Tiny Talk Tuesday Thursday

One thing you just don't anticipate hearing when they place that tiny baby in your arms and announce, "It's a boy!".....

"This jock strap feels weird!" :)

He is so excited for his first year of football!

Annnd....they're off!

You'd think after 8 years of doing this gig (and even more, if you count preschool), it would have dawned on me before now.  I'm a little slow that way.

Here it is, the big revelation:  School makes me crazy.

All year long last year I fought with my kids almost every (week)day about running late, messing around in the mornings, not getting their stuff done, not doing their chores, homework, messy rooms (ok, this one is ongoing), and on and on and ON.  I thought it was them.  Lazy.  Undisciplined.  Careless.  Couldn't-care-less.  Bad attitudes.

And then I thought it was me.  Overbearing.  Impatient.  Too-high expectations.  Drill sergeant.  All-around bad parent.

After a couple of weeks of being out of school this summer, things started to mellow out a little.  We all started getting along better.  Tempers flared less and less often.  Less arguing (between them and me, not between themselves), less grouching, less frustration.  More harmony.  More laughter.  More relaxed.

Yesterday - on day ONE of school - I woke up and prayed, "God, I don't want to go back to the way things were last year.  Please give me the patience of Your Spirit.  Please fill me with Your love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness....  I want our home to be full of Your PEACE...."

And on day ONE of school, both kids were STARTING their lunches 5 minutes before time to go (yes, they make their own.  Bad mom.).  Kloe was asking me - as she should have been walking out the door - "Do I take these supplies that were in my backpack from last year?  Or only the ones in the sack?"  Didn't we already go through all this?

Jacob picked up his sack of supplies and the handle tore off, nearly dumping notebook paper and spirals and dry erase markers everywhere.  His hair looked like he just crawled out of bed - after he brushed it.  He wore a shirt with bleach stains on it.  Oh yes he did.  On the first day of school.

After school I got a text from Kloe saying she wouldn't be at her usual pickup spot, but instead was by the front doors of the school.  Of course traffic was RIDICULOUS, because every parent in the known world picks up their kid on the first day of school (WHY?).  So I waited and waited and waited in the pickup line (normally I can just drive right through the middle because of where she usually waits), only to get to the front and....no Kloe.

I found a parking place where I could see the front of the school and I started the search.  After a while I found her, standing over to the side, talking to a group of friends, totally not watching for me at all.  Grrr.  So I waited awhile, hoping she would glance up and I could catch her attention, but no.  Finally, I climbed out of the car and began The March to the front of the school.  The poor Assistant Principal happened to be working traffic.  She smiled her big, beautiful smile at me and said, "HI!!  How's the first day of school?"  I practically growled at her.

I'm sure you can guess how the rest of that scenario went.

Happy first day of school.

Today started out even worse.  Even though we got up earlier, everyone was running later.  More procrastinating.  More tempers flaring.  More arguing.  When Kloe and I were ready to walk out the door, I asked Jacob, "Where's your lunch?"  He said, "I didn't make it yet."  What??  He said, "What am I going to do?"  And I barked said, "I don't know.  You're going to have to figure out a plan."

Fortunately for him, The Mister was still at home and had time to wait.  I took Kloe to school while he made his lunch, then came back home and got him.

And somewhere in the middle of all that it dawned on me.

It isn't them.  It isn't me.

It's SCHOOL.

It makes us all crazy.

We don't roll this way.  We're not organized, orderly, stay-in-the-lines kind of people.  We're more the march-to-our-own drummer, take our own sweet time to do it our own way kind of people, and it seems we just don't fit in the standardized school mold.

And yet we have no choice but to keep doing it, year after year after year.

What is it they say about the definition of insanity?  Yeah.  This.

And so in the midst of all the craziness, in the midst of the chaos and frustration and not knowing how to make it be any different, this mama rushed everyone out the door on the first day of school to do what we always do - take pictures before her little loves rush headlong back into another year of crazy.  Pictures that hopefully we'll look back on and remember all of the good - and not so much of the insanity.

And tomorrow morning we'll get up and do it all again (minus the pictures).

Kloe - 8th grade

Jacob - 5th grade

A moment of peace. :)

TMI - Honesty in all its ugliness - the not-conclusion.

I’ve been pondering how to wrap up this little mini-series I started a couple of weeks ago. I’m starting to realize that “conclusion coming soon” was a lie. Because the conclusion isn’t here yet, and I’m not really sure when it’s coming. 

I’ve realized that just realizing where you’ve been doesn’t get you out of where you’ve been. I think realizing it is half the battle. But then there’s that other half….  And I’m not sure how to get out of where I’ve been. 

You know that story in John chapter 5 about the man Jesus encountered at the Pool of Bethesda? 

“Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda, and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’” John 5:1-6 

Why do you think Jesus asked him if he wanted to get well? Doesn’t that seem like a silly question? We think, “Of course he wanted to get well!” But you know what? It’s not a silly question. Some people don’t want to get well. Sometimes it’s so much easier just to stay where we are – even if it’s hard and painful. Sometimes familiar pain is easier than change. 

Well, I want to get well. 

I’m not sure exactly what happened last summer. I think something in my heart just snapped from the overwhelming-ness of coming back from Africa a second time, and when I just couldn’t take it anymore, Jesus offered me a reprieve from the weight of it all. Except I took that reprieve as being enough and decided I could just live there. Except I don’t want to anymore. 

So now here I am. Not sure where I’m going, but knowing where I’ve been living the past year, and knowing I don’t want to stay there. I want to be well. Does anyone remember those old cassette tape players – the kind that when you pressed the “pause” button, it would stay down? And then when you pressed the button again, it would pop back up and the tape would continue playing. It’s kind of like I pushed the pause button on my life, and it’s been stuck in the “down” position for a year, and now I’m ready to press the button again for it to pop back up and life to continue. I know I won’t be picking up right where I left off like a cassette tape would, but I’m ready to pick up and move on, nonetheless. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Yes, Jesus, I want to get well.

I interrupt this blog series....

Oh you guys, I am so SO excited to break up the seriousness of my past couple of posts to bring you this EXCITING, newly released video from Visiting Orphans (VO).  I'm sure you remember that VO is the mission-sending organization I have traveled to Africa with the past two summers, and will be leading a trip with this December. I am so honored to be part of a team of bloggers who have the privilege of presenting this fresh look at VO today.  I just watched the video myself for the first time this morning, and I cried through the whole thing.  Because I know these people.  I know their hearts.  I know their passion is to see the world changed - to BE the change - through bringing the love of Jesus to the nations. 

I know first-hand that VO is committed to seeing lives transformed by empowering and equipping Christ-followers to GO to the nations, BE focused on relationship, and LOVE like Christ by caring for children and communities world-wide.  GO. BE. LOVE.  It's about so much more than just a cool trip to tell your friends about.  It's about being the very hands and feet of Jesus.

I know sometimes it's hard to pause in the middle of your morning blog-surfing to watch a 10-minute video (ok, 11 minutes), but y'all, please please take just a few minutes (ok, 11) to stop and watch this beautiful video.  I so want to share with all of you the amazing organization that has captured my heart, and which God has used and is using to send me to the nations. Do it for me?



You can read more about VO's vision and their mission at these links.

And if your heart has been stirred?  If you feel a tugging inside to GO. BE. LOVE. to the nations?  Leave me a comment right here and I can hook you up!  (especially if that tug should be pulling you toward Uganda this December!)

TMI: Honesty in all its ugliness - part 2.

Once I was finally able to come up for air, I think my thoughts were something along the lines of, "Whew! Man, that was a rough season! Thank You, Jesus, for rescuing me out of that. Glad that’s over." But my eyes were still full of sand, and my clothes were still wet and ragged, and I was so relieved at not drowning, that I didn't even realize I was still a mess. I just continued stumbling around in the dark for....oh, I don't know....the last year.

Because you say, “I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,” and you do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked. Rev. 3:17

Added on top of all the emotional mess I was in, watching so many of my friends and former teammates move on into lives of service and purpose and passion – adopting, raising money to support ministries, traveling on and leading mission trips – while I was still struggling to catch my breath, well, it left me a little….ok, jealous.

And jealousy is an enemy to your soul. It hold its hands over the eyes of your heart and leaves you walking along in darkness when you don't even know it.  It was blindness on top of blindness.

Then sometime this past spring, I began to notice a few things. Things like....we hadn't taken the kids on kid dates in forever and I hadn't even realized it. Like, we hadn't done family nights in months and I didn't even have the energy to care. Like, I had lost contact with many of my friends except for an occasional text every couple of months or so.

Slowly, slowly I began to realize I’d been living life in a daze.  At first I wasn’t sure what had happened or why.  What was it that had caused me to be sleepwalking through my life?  I actually don't think it was until I started working on this post that I finally started to see what had happened.  

The nearest I can figure is that I never let Jesus completely heal my heart from the wreckage that happened last summer when I left Uganda.

A couple of weeks ago, I read this on Shaun Groves’ blog.  Shaun is the leader – director? developer? – of Compassion Bloggers. Two to three times a year, he leads a group of bloggers on trips with Compassion International to raise awareness about what Compassion does.

"On the last night of every Compassion Bloggers trip we sit around a table together and talk about how to go back home. Because re-entry is a peculiar and scary thing. We talk about the myriad responses we may have when we get there. There’s no telling what’s going to happen when a person goes from slum to Super Target.

Some people are numb, unable to feel anything.
Some are battered by guilt and embarrassment over how easy their life is.
Some feel inexplicably sad, over nothing…or everything.
Some lose their drive and ambition entirely and quit blogging.
Some get angry.

And, I tell the bloggers, some people experience all of this in one afternoon!
No matter what you feel, I tell them, it’s normal. You’re not the only one."

Ahh….finally, there it was! THIS is what had been wrong with me!  Not only had I experienced pretty much "all of this in one afternoon", I had continued to experience all of it for an ENTIRE YEAR.  And I didn't know what to do with all of it.  I didn't know how to process it.  So instead of working through it with Jesus the way I should have, sub-consciously I just pulled myself into a cocoon, and I hid as best I could.

I distinctly remember, when the waves of sadness would start to engulf me, I would say to myself, "It's ok.  It's ok.  I can do this." - meaning "It's ok that I feel this way.  It's normal, and I'll be fine."  Umm, yes, it's ok to feel that way.  It's not ok to stay that way.  And the only way I could be fine was to let Jesus heal me.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not LET yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Gal. 5:1

When Jesus reached down and rescued me from that oppressive weight that I thought was going to suffocate me, I didn’t realize that I needed to continue pressing hard into Him in order to not LET myself continue to be burdened by the YOKE OF SLAVERY that still had its clutches around me.

Did you know you can LET yourself be burdened by a yoke of slavery?  Caught in a stronghold?  Even after Jesus died to set you free?  Yep.  Jesus has provided us the victory, but just like salvation, it's up to us to choose it.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.  {YOU} Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil." Eph. 6:10-11

Sheesh, y'all.  I know this stuff.  I've done Beth's Moore's Breaking Free.  I've done Believing God.  Twice.  I've filled one index card spiral after another after another with scripture.  I've quoted it and prayed it and memorized it.  I KNOW how to stand firm against the yoke of slavery, against strongholds, against the schemes of the devil.  I KNOW how to put on the full armor of God....His truth, His righteousness, the shield of faith, and the sword of the Spirit (His WORD).  

But man, Satan is so devious.  I totally expected the struggle of coming back from Africa.  I expected the sadness, the guilt, the anger and frustration.  And because I expected it, I accepted it.  I just laid right down and LET that yoke wrap itself right around my heart and mind.

*sigh*

....conclusion coming soon

TMI: Honesty in all its ugliness - part 1.

I didn't actually mean to stop blogging. Not really.

I kept meaning to get back to it, and every couple of weeks or so I'd think, "Man, I really need to catch up on my blog." But then somehow I just never did.

So much life has happened during the past year that I never got around to documenting (or only did so minimally). Our sweet Kloe turned 12. Her last year as a pre-teen. And I was mentally absent for much of it (more about that later).

I resigned from PTA – a big change for me after 5½ years (I’ve actually accepted a new position for this coming school year, though). We got a new (used) minivan. I miss the Expedition terribly, but you know, we have to eat. :)

Our sweet Annie died last August, and we brought home a new puppy in January. Also in January, I was asked to speak during a local Christian schools’ chapel time about my mission trips. Wow, that was an amazing experience!

February was a big month. Jacob turned 10. Double digits. Did I even post a blog about that? I don’t think so. I started having some issues with my hip that still aren’t resolved. I got my braces off (yay!), had a minor procedure done on my foot that left me hobbling around in a “shoe” (you know the kind) for two weeks, and we had TWO school snow days in a row! I also went to Nashville for leadership training with Visiting Orphans, the organization I have traveled to Africa with the past two summers.

Other things I missed? Kloe’s first overnight band trip (I actually went on the trip as a chaperone, but you know….mentally absent), her first band UIL contest, her first major ballet production, Passover, my mom’s birthday, Jacob’s school field trip….and the list goes on.

It's been such a strange season for me this past year. If anybody's still hanging around here who was with me back when I came home from Uganda last summer, you may remember what a hard time I had transitioning back into "normal" life. I really thought I was gonna go under there for a while. And then one day, through God's abundant mercy and kindness, He pulled me up out of the pit and set my feet back on some semi-solid ground. After weeks of feeling like I was suffocating to death, at last I could finally breathe again.

The Nile River

Funny thing, though. I came up out of the pit....but I never really came out of the fog. I felt such relief at finally being able to just get through my day without breaking down in tears....at being able to take a breath without feeling like there was an elephant sitting on my chest - on my heart - that I didn't realize I was still wandering around in the dark.

It was kind of like Jesus, in all of His great mercy, reached down into the raging waters that were threatening to drown me, grabbed my hand, and pulled me up onto a sand bar. As I lay there gasping for air, so grateful that I wasn't having to struggle for every breath, so thankful for some solid ground under my hands and knees, I never bothered to look around me and realize that I was still standing in the middle of the ocean, surrounded on every side by waves and emptiness.

I was still LOST, but I didn't know it. So I didn't bother trying to get found.

...to be continued

Do it afraid.

On October 4, 2010 – just a little over 2½ years ago – I clicked “contact me” on a new adoption/missions blog I had been reading, and typed the following:

Hi Kari,

I know missions in general is God's will, but how do you know if it's YOUR time to go? Is it ever NOT God's will for someone to go on a mission trip? Seems to me that surely it would sometimes not be His will???

Ever since I found your blog about the trip to Uganda next summer, I've been drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Seriously. Like, it sucks me in and I just can't get away from it. Does that mean it's God? Could it just be me? Yes, I am oh-so-scared about the thought of traveling to such a foreign country, but even more so, I am scared to death of making a decision on my own accord that is not what God wants from me! HELP!

Wow. I was a little bit freaked out.

Remember this? And this?

Kari’s answer to me, in a nutshell, was “DO IT AFRAID.” And I did. Actually, I did it petrified.

And who in the world ever would have DREAMED that 2½ years after sending that message I would have become good friends with the (once-a-stranger) author of that blog, fallen madly in love with that country and its people, have a spiritual son on the other side of the globe, and be busily planning my 3rd trip to Uganda – and this time, praying about taking my whole family with me!

Only God.

“God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!” Eph 3:20 (The Message)

Y’all. I want you to come with me. For real.

Maybe you’ve dreamed of going on a mission trip, but the huge expense or the thought of having to do fundraising has deterred you? Maybe concerns about who would care for your children, not being able to spare that much time away, or maybe even a little FEAR have kept you from diving in. This is YOUR chance. If you feel God tugging on your heart, don’t ignore Him! My African love-affair started just like this – with me reading a blog post by someone else who had been there and couldn’t contain her passion and excitement about what God had done in her life through missions.

What does that “tugging” feel like? Here’s what I wrote about it in a guest post for Kari’s blog:

During this time (the time I was trying to figure out if I was supposed to go or not) I started reading books like Red Letters by Tom Davis, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and most recently, Radical by David Platt. Let me tell you something, these books messed. me. up. Especially Radical. From the moment I picked up that book I started to feel a churning on the inside that only grew stronger the more I read. A churning that I didn’t understand, couldn’t explain, and didn’t know what to do with, but it kept me awake at night and distracted me during the day. I was restless. Uneasy. Confused. Anxious. And frustrated – because I didn’t know what to do with all the feelings building up on the inside of me.

Excitement. A flutter in your heart or nervousness in your stomach when you read about it. A wanting – a longing – to go, but maybe you brush it off because of all the “what-ifs”.

Y’all, I was a mess during those 3-ish weeks of trying to figure it out. A MESS. A total wreck. I can’t even begin to explain what a basket case I was. And it had way more to do with a fear of missing God’s will than it did with actually going on the trip. See how messed up the lies of the enemy are? I had been praying to go to Africa for so long, that when God finally said yes I didn’t believe that I’d heard Him right.

The top two concerns I hear from people about going on a mission trip are: #1) the money, and #2) being away from their kids for so long.

Can I just tell you this? God will provide. It sounds so trite, but I promise you it is 100% true. He. Will. Provide. I promise. He won’t call you to go on a mission trip and then leave you high and dry to figure out all the logistics on your own. He will provide the money. He will provide trustworthy care for your children while you’re gone. Is your spouse not on board? Pray about it – God will provide a willing heart.

I did NOT sit down today planning to write a post inviting you to come on my mission trip with me – so it has to be God speaking! This is your opportunity to travel to Africa and make a difference in the life of an orphan. More than that, it’s an opportunity for you to allow God to radically change your own life in ways you’ve never imagined. To share in HIS heart for those who are broken and hurting. I don’t want you to miss out on this incredible opportunity! You really can travel to Uganda with me and visit these beautiful faces….watch this video and pray about joining me on a life-changing adventure!!

Pure Religion: Uganda 2011 with Visiting Orphans from Jennifer Hanson on Vimeo.

“And if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry, and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.” Isaiah 58:10 (go read the rest of this chapter!)

Trip dates are December 26 (I know, I know – but God will provide!) through January 7. I just KNOW one of you is supposed to go with me!!

Hello Thursday

Well, hello, Thursday. My, you snuck up on me quick this week. (I don’t really think “snuck” is a word, but my spell check says it’s ok, so I’m going with it.)

**Edit: this started out as sort of a “random Thursday” post, but kind of turned into a mostly-about-Ebenezer post. Sorry. I can’t seem to help myself. :)

So much going on around here lately – seems we are busy, busy, busy all the time, but at the same time it seems like really nothing is going on. When it’s the same-o, same-o, I guess it seems like nothing, even if it’s a lot.

Let’s see.

So….Uganda. LOTS going on with that already. Update in the next post (whenever that may be).

Kloe is preparing for her first major ballet production. She is so excited she could pop. She’s been taking ballet for just over a year, and she auditioned for a part in the spring production and got it! We are SO proud of her. It’s a small, group part, but just to be able to say she’s in the production is so awesome!

Jacob? Is, well, Jacob. :) He’s not playing any sports right now, and I’m SO thankful. Practices and games every week just about wear me out. He’s doing Boy Scouts (loves), preparing for Battle of the Books at school, and is learning to do his own laundry. Glory. And hallelujah.

The Mister is B.U.S.Y. with a capital “B” this time of year. He sells drip irrigation systems, so they are trying to squeeze in every last sale and minute of work they can before the farmers plant. We typically see him between 9 (or 10) p.m. and 7 (or 6) a.m. I am oh-so-ready for planting season to get here!

My newest bloggy loves: We Are THAT Family and Gloriously Ruined. If you aren’t reading them, you should. Wynne from Gloriously Ruined is a photographer and is good friends with my mission trip leader, Kari Gibson. She was part of the Man Up and Go team and is pretty much all-around awesome. I just recently found out that she only lives a couple of hours away from me! We are totally planning a get-together soon. ;-)

I’m still making letters for Ebenezer, and even yesterday when I walked into Jacob’s school, the workroom assistant stopped me and ordered 3 more.  Oh Lord. Whew. Making those letters is SO involved and SO time-consuming and SO frustrating to me….and yet, the orders just keep coming. I really don’t even make that much profit from them to donate to Ebenezer, and yet I can’t seem to get away from them. Thank you, Jesus, for Your purpose.

Speaking of Ebenezer, I have to tell you THE. COOLEST. STORY. EVER. IN. THE. HISTORY. OF. THE. WORLD. Ever.

About six-ish weeks ago, the director of Hope Grafted In (HGI) (which is the U.S. non-profit that handles donations for Ebenezer) contacted me and asked if I would host an online 31 Gifts party (she’s a consultant) as a fundraiser for Ebenezer. I said, “Uh, sure, but I typically don’t do very well with parties.”

I thought maybe if I got a friend to team up with me we would do better. So my friend A graciously jumped on board, and we had an online party for 3 weeks. And we got 3 orders. Three. We raised all of $50 for Ebenezer. Which is good, don’t get me wrong, but I was a little discouraged to say the least.

Well. Right after we found out the total from the party – like that same day – Ebenezer posted on their FB page that the heavy rains of the Ugandan rainy season had caused their school/church structure to collapse. And by “structure”, I mean it was a metal roof held up by some wooden poles. Not even “poles” as you would picture them, but just trimmed down tree-poles. That structure is where they hold classes for their school, which is a source of income to the ministry. George posted that they needed 90,500 shillings to fix the structure. OH. MY. GOSH. Do you know how much 90,500 shillings is? Approximately $34.

I emailed HGI right away and said, “OH. MY. GOSH.” (I like emailing in all caps when I’m excited.) “Am I reading this right? It’s going to cost less than $40 to fix the structure???” They emailed back and said, “Yes, I think so! God knew what He was doing – looks like your 31 party will cover the whole thing!”

I was beside myself. SOOO cool that my “disappointing” $50 donation was now going to completely pay to fix their school room/church structure!

Ohhhh, but wait, it gets better.

Almost as soon as I got that email from HGI – in fact, I think while I was reading it – George posted an update on FB that said, “Sorry, the repairs are not 90,500 shillings, they’re 900,500 shillings.”

Oh, the difference a zero can make! What we thought was going to take $34 to fix was actually going to take $335. HGI emailed me again and said, “Your $50 will still help them get there.”

*sigh*

Now wait. Remember I’m still making letters for them? Earlier that day – before all the drama – I had just so happened to “randomly” check the balance in the separate checking account I use for that money. There was $282.00 in the account.

Check this.

$335.00 (to fix the structure)
-  50.00 (31 Gifts fundraiser)
$285.00

$285!!!!
Y’ALL!!!
(Yes. Yes, I DO need all those exclamation points!!!!)

GOD. IS. SO. COOL!!!!

Never have I ever been SO. ECSTATIC. about God's awesomeness (ok, maybe not "never")!!  And that, my friends, makes any day a good day.  Happy Thursday (night)!

The rest of the story.

When I told God I was surrendering all my hopes and dreams to Him, of course, in the back of my mind were all those stories you hear about people who say the minute they surrendered their dreams to God, He did something beyond anything they could ever have imagined.  And I tried so very hard not to let those thoughts stay in my head, because if I let myself think that was going to happen to me, well then I wouldn't really be giving up control, would I?  That would be trying to manipulate God, and of course that can never lead to anything but disaster.

I tried really hard.  And every time those kinds of thoughts would try to sneak into my mind, I would repeat over and over, "I surrender to You, God.  I lay it all down.  Whatever You want.  I choose You."

I wrote that list (in the last post) in my journal last Tuesday, March 5.  And on that Thursday I posted the following on Facebook:

"Received this Feb 16 edition of Jesus Calling in my email inbox this week:
THANK ME for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again....Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My Presence with you. Do not despise these simple ways of serving Me. Although you feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in spiritual realms.

Then heard this song on the radio this morning:
I've had all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold, and I don't know why.
I got a front row seat to the longest wait
And I just can't see past the things I pray today.
But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel deep in my heart grows strangely dim
All my worries fade and fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face and don't look around
Any place I'm in grows strangely dim

And this pic in my email today - think God is trying to tell me something?"

{Habakkuk 2:3 says, "For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail.  Though it tarries, WAIT for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay."}

Yes, God, I hear You.

I'm waiting.

I'm surrendering.

I'm giving up and trusting You.

And on Friday, I received the following email from the Uganda trip coordinator at VO:

"Hello Valerie and Amanda (it was sent to me and a sweet friend that I went to training with, who I met on my first trip to Uganda), this is S__ from VO. I hope you guys enjoyed the training we just finished.  I just wanted to throw this out to both of you as an option - we're starting to put multiple co-leaders on trips if possible, and there's a Uganda trip that I'll be putting on the calendar that will be December 27-January 7.  If you both would like to be co-leaders on this trip, that would be great.  If only one of you wants to, that will work as well.  I just wanted to give you both the opportunity to do this since you're friends.  Let me know if you'd like to co-lead and I'll put you down for it and get the trip on the calendar. Thanks!"

And there you have it.

Just like that, the wait is over.  I'm going back to Uganda!!

Hello? Is this thing on? (the story of me and where I'm at)

So, it's been pretty quiet here around the ol' blog lately. For quite a while actually. Not much going on. Not much to say about what's going on. Kinda been in my own little world for these past few months. Ruminating. Pondering. Waiting....

and waiting....


and waiting....


I've spent a lot of time in prayer. Not nearly as much as I should have probably, but a lot.

Lots of time reading. Getting the message loud and clear -- Wait.

And pray.

And then....keep waiting.

In case you're wondering exactly what it is I've been waiting ON, well, I'm kind of wondering that myself.

You see, a few years ago God began telling me to DO SOMETHING, do something, do something - and it took me the longest time to figure out what it was I was supposed to be DOING. And finally, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I went on a mission trip to Uganda. Two trips, actually.

When I came home from my first trip two summers ago, I immediately turned right around and signed up to go back again the next summer (which is now last summer). But when I got home from that second trip, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to DO next. My heart was both broken for and in love with the country of Uganda and its people, and I fully expected to come home to some huge revelation from God about what was next on the agenda for me and Uganda.

And there was nothing. Crickets.

I was more burdened and confused than I think I may ever have been before in my life, and I didn't know what to do about it.

And when I asked God what to DO, He said, "Wait."

And I said, "Ok, what do I DO while I'm waiting?"

And He said, "Pray."

Um. Ok. What exactly am I waiting and praying FOR?

And so while I waited to hear what God wanted me to DO, I prayed. I prayed that I would be willing to WAIT (are you seeing the vicious circle here?) I prayed that my heart would be changed. I prayed that I would learn to totally and completely surrender to God's plan. I prayed for the nation of Uganda, and for Christopher, and for George, and for all the friends I had made while I was there. I prayed for their ministries, and I prayed that God would let me go back there again someday. And then I prayed some more that I would be willing to surrender to God's plan. :) I prayed for my heart and my husband's heart and my children's hearts. I prayed. And I waited.  And I prayed some more.

While I waited I made some wooden letters, and I sold some jewelry, and I had an auction, all to raise money for one of the ministries I love in Uganda. Just to have something to DO. I wrote letters pouring out my love to my sweet Christopher. I kept up with Ugandan friends on Facebook and tried oh so hard not to be envious of former teammates who were already back there or planning their returns.....while I waited.

And then at last, in February - something to DO!

After much PRAYER, I felt like God was giving me the go-ahead to go to Team Leader Training with Visiting Orphans - the organization I've been to Uganda with both times. And so I spent a weekend in Nashville learning how to lead a mission team! I was SO, SO excited about the training, and I told the Mister before I left, "You know I'm coming home with a trip on the calendar, right?"

V.O. staff and brand new leaders

The weekend was fabulous and amazing and exciting and fun and.....and.....and I came home with no trip scheduled. You see, all the 2013 trips already have leaders, and they aren't scheduling trips for 2014 yet. And so, I got to come back home and.....wait.

And finally - finally - I gave up. That was it. That was the straw that broke....well....me. I gave in. And through tears, I surrendered my heart to God's plan. Through tears, I told Him, "I lay it all down. Whatever You want, I choose You. Fill my heart with a desire for nothing else other than to follow You and obey You."

I made a list. "God, I am laying down:
-Uganda
-going there with my family
-Canaan's
-leading a trip
-seeing Christopher again
-Ebenezer
-Sixty Feet
....and even if I never get to go back to Uganda again, I choose You."

To be continued....