TMI - Honesty in all its ugliness - the not-conclusion.

I’ve been pondering how to wrap up this little mini-series I started a couple of weeks ago. I’m starting to realize that “conclusion coming soon” was a lie. Because the conclusion isn’t here yet, and I’m not really sure when it’s coming. 

I’ve realized that just realizing where you’ve been doesn’t get you out of where you’ve been. I think realizing it is half the battle. But then there’s that other half….  And I’m not sure how to get out of where I’ve been. 

You know that story in John chapter 5 about the man Jesus encountered at the Pool of Bethesda? 

“Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda, and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’” John 5:1-6 

Why do you think Jesus asked him if he wanted to get well? Doesn’t that seem like a silly question? We think, “Of course he wanted to get well!” But you know what? It’s not a silly question. Some people don’t want to get well. Sometimes it’s so much easier just to stay where we are – even if it’s hard and painful. Sometimes familiar pain is easier than change. 

Well, I want to get well. 

I’m not sure exactly what happened last summer. I think something in my heart just snapped from the overwhelming-ness of coming back from Africa a second time, and when I just couldn’t take it anymore, Jesus offered me a reprieve from the weight of it all. Except I took that reprieve as being enough and decided I could just live there. Except I don’t want to anymore. 

So now here I am. Not sure where I’m going, but knowing where I’ve been living the past year, and knowing I don’t want to stay there. I want to be well. Does anyone remember those old cassette tape players – the kind that when you pressed the “pause” button, it would stay down? And then when you pressed the button again, it would pop back up and the tape would continue playing. It’s kind of like I pushed the pause button on my life, and it’s been stuck in the “down” position for a year, and now I’m ready to press the button again for it to pop back up and life to continue. I know I won’t be picking up right where I left off like a cassette tape would, but I’m ready to pick up and move on, nonetheless. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Yes, Jesus, I want to get well.

TMI: Honesty in all its ugliness - part 2.

Once I was finally able to come up for air, I think my thoughts were something along the lines of, "Whew! Man, that was a rough season! Thank You, Jesus, for rescuing me out of that. Glad that’s over." But my eyes were still full of sand, and my clothes were still wet and ragged, and I was so relieved at not drowning, that I didn't even realize I was still a mess. I just continued stumbling around in the dark for....oh, I don't know....the last year.

Because you say, “I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,” and you do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked. Rev. 3:17

Added on top of all the emotional mess I was in, watching so many of my friends and former teammates move on into lives of service and purpose and passion – adopting, raising money to support ministries, traveling on and leading mission trips – while I was still struggling to catch my breath, well, it left me a little….ok, jealous.

And jealousy is an enemy to your soul. It hold its hands over the eyes of your heart and leaves you walking along in darkness when you don't even know it.  It was blindness on top of blindness.

Then sometime this past spring, I began to notice a few things. Things like....we hadn't taken the kids on kid dates in forever and I hadn't even realized it. Like, we hadn't done family nights in months and I didn't even have the energy to care. Like, I had lost contact with many of my friends except for an occasional text every couple of months or so.

Slowly, slowly I began to realize I’d been living life in a daze.  At first I wasn’t sure what had happened or why.  What was it that had caused me to be sleepwalking through my life?  I actually don't think it was until I started working on this post that I finally started to see what had happened.  

The nearest I can figure is that I never let Jesus completely heal my heart from the wreckage that happened last summer when I left Uganda.

A couple of weeks ago, I read this on Shaun Groves’ blog.  Shaun is the leader – director? developer? – of Compassion Bloggers. Two to three times a year, he leads a group of bloggers on trips with Compassion International to raise awareness about what Compassion does.

"On the last night of every Compassion Bloggers trip we sit around a table together and talk about how to go back home. Because re-entry is a peculiar and scary thing. We talk about the myriad responses we may have when we get there. There’s no telling what’s going to happen when a person goes from slum to Super Target.

Some people are numb, unable to feel anything.
Some are battered by guilt and embarrassment over how easy their life is.
Some feel inexplicably sad, over nothing…or everything.
Some lose their drive and ambition entirely and quit blogging.
Some get angry.

And, I tell the bloggers, some people experience all of this in one afternoon!
No matter what you feel, I tell them, it’s normal. You’re not the only one."

Ahh….finally, there it was! THIS is what had been wrong with me!  Not only had I experienced pretty much "all of this in one afternoon", I had continued to experience all of it for an ENTIRE YEAR.  And I didn't know what to do with all of it.  I didn't know how to process it.  So instead of working through it with Jesus the way I should have, sub-consciously I just pulled myself into a cocoon, and I hid as best I could.

I distinctly remember, when the waves of sadness would start to engulf me, I would say to myself, "It's ok.  It's ok.  I can do this." - meaning "It's ok that I feel this way.  It's normal, and I'll be fine."  Umm, yes, it's ok to feel that way.  It's not ok to stay that way.  And the only way I could be fine was to let Jesus heal me.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not LET yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Gal. 5:1

When Jesus reached down and rescued me from that oppressive weight that I thought was going to suffocate me, I didn’t realize that I needed to continue pressing hard into Him in order to not LET myself continue to be burdened by the YOKE OF SLAVERY that still had its clutches around me.

Did you know you can LET yourself be burdened by a yoke of slavery?  Caught in a stronghold?  Even after Jesus died to set you free?  Yep.  Jesus has provided us the victory, but just like salvation, it's up to us to choose it.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.  {YOU} Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil." Eph. 6:10-11

Sheesh, y'all.  I know this stuff.  I've done Beth's Moore's Breaking Free.  I've done Believing God.  Twice.  I've filled one index card spiral after another after another with scripture.  I've quoted it and prayed it and memorized it.  I KNOW how to stand firm against the yoke of slavery, against strongholds, against the schemes of the devil.  I KNOW how to put on the full armor of God....His truth, His righteousness, the shield of faith, and the sword of the Spirit (His WORD).  

But man, Satan is so devious.  I totally expected the struggle of coming back from Africa.  I expected the sadness, the guilt, the anger and frustration.  And because I expected it, I accepted it.  I just laid right down and LET that yoke wrap itself right around my heart and mind.

*sigh*

....conclusion coming soon

TMI: Honesty in all its ugliness - part 1.

I didn't actually mean to stop blogging. Not really.

I kept meaning to get back to it, and every couple of weeks or so I'd think, "Man, I really need to catch up on my blog." But then somehow I just never did.

So much life has happened during the past year that I never got around to documenting (or only did so minimally). Our sweet Kloe turned 12. Her last year as a pre-teen. And I was mentally absent for much of it (more about that later).

I resigned from PTA – a big change for me after 5½ years (I’ve actually accepted a new position for this coming school year, though). We got a new (used) minivan. I miss the Expedition terribly, but you know, we have to eat. :)

Our sweet Annie died last August, and we brought home a new puppy in January. Also in January, I was asked to speak during a local Christian schools’ chapel time about my mission trips. Wow, that was an amazing experience!

February was a big month. Jacob turned 10. Double digits. Did I even post a blog about that? I don’t think so. I started having some issues with my hip that still aren’t resolved. I got my braces off (yay!), had a minor procedure done on my foot that left me hobbling around in a “shoe” (you know the kind) for two weeks, and we had TWO school snow days in a row! I also went to Nashville for leadership training with Visiting Orphans, the organization I have traveled to Africa with the past two summers.

Other things I missed? Kloe’s first overnight band trip (I actually went on the trip as a chaperone, but you know….mentally absent), her first band UIL contest, her first major ballet production, Passover, my mom’s birthday, Jacob’s school field trip….and the list goes on.

It's been such a strange season for me this past year. If anybody's still hanging around here who was with me back when I came home from Uganda last summer, you may remember what a hard time I had transitioning back into "normal" life. I really thought I was gonna go under there for a while. And then one day, through God's abundant mercy and kindness, He pulled me up out of the pit and set my feet back on some semi-solid ground. After weeks of feeling like I was suffocating to death, at last I could finally breathe again.

The Nile River

Funny thing, though. I came up out of the pit....but I never really came out of the fog. I felt such relief at finally being able to just get through my day without breaking down in tears....at being able to take a breath without feeling like there was an elephant sitting on my chest - on my heart - that I didn't realize I was still wandering around in the dark.

It was kind of like Jesus, in all of His great mercy, reached down into the raging waters that were threatening to drown me, grabbed my hand, and pulled me up onto a sand bar. As I lay there gasping for air, so grateful that I wasn't having to struggle for every breath, so thankful for some solid ground under my hands and knees, I never bothered to look around me and realize that I was still standing in the middle of the ocean, surrounded on every side by waves and emptiness.

I was still LOST, but I didn't know it. So I didn't bother trying to get found.

...to be continued

Do it afraid.

On October 4, 2010 – just a little over 2½ years ago – I clicked “contact me” on a new adoption/missions blog I had been reading, and typed the following:

Hi Kari,

I know missions in general is God's will, but how do you know if it's YOUR time to go? Is it ever NOT God's will for someone to go on a mission trip? Seems to me that surely it would sometimes not be His will???

Ever since I found your blog about the trip to Uganda next summer, I've been drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Seriously. Like, it sucks me in and I just can't get away from it. Does that mean it's God? Could it just be me? Yes, I am oh-so-scared about the thought of traveling to such a foreign country, but even more so, I am scared to death of making a decision on my own accord that is not what God wants from me! HELP!

Wow. I was a little bit freaked out.

Remember this? And this?

Kari’s answer to me, in a nutshell, was “DO IT AFRAID.” And I did. Actually, I did it petrified.

And who in the world ever would have DREAMED that 2½ years after sending that message I would have become good friends with the (once-a-stranger) author of that blog, fallen madly in love with that country and its people, have a spiritual son on the other side of the globe, and be busily planning my 3rd trip to Uganda – and this time, praying about taking my whole family with me!

Only God.

“God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!” Eph 3:20 (The Message)

Y’all. I want you to come with me. For real.

Maybe you’ve dreamed of going on a mission trip, but the huge expense or the thought of having to do fundraising has deterred you? Maybe concerns about who would care for your children, not being able to spare that much time away, or maybe even a little FEAR have kept you from diving in. This is YOUR chance. If you feel God tugging on your heart, don’t ignore Him! My African love-affair started just like this – with me reading a blog post by someone else who had been there and couldn’t contain her passion and excitement about what God had done in her life through missions.

What does that “tugging” feel like? Here’s what I wrote about it in a guest post for Kari’s blog:

During this time (the time I was trying to figure out if I was supposed to go or not) I started reading books like Red Letters by Tom Davis, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and most recently, Radical by David Platt. Let me tell you something, these books messed. me. up. Especially Radical. From the moment I picked up that book I started to feel a churning on the inside that only grew stronger the more I read. A churning that I didn’t understand, couldn’t explain, and didn’t know what to do with, but it kept me awake at night and distracted me during the day. I was restless. Uneasy. Confused. Anxious. And frustrated – because I didn’t know what to do with all the feelings building up on the inside of me.

Excitement. A flutter in your heart or nervousness in your stomach when you read about it. A wanting – a longing – to go, but maybe you brush it off because of all the “what-ifs”.

Y’all, I was a mess during those 3-ish weeks of trying to figure it out. A MESS. A total wreck. I can’t even begin to explain what a basket case I was. And it had way more to do with a fear of missing God’s will than it did with actually going on the trip. See how messed up the lies of the enemy are? I had been praying to go to Africa for so long, that when God finally said yes I didn’t believe that I’d heard Him right.

The top two concerns I hear from people about going on a mission trip are: #1) the money, and #2) being away from their kids for so long.

Can I just tell you this? God will provide. It sounds so trite, but I promise you it is 100% true. He. Will. Provide. I promise. He won’t call you to go on a mission trip and then leave you high and dry to figure out all the logistics on your own. He will provide the money. He will provide trustworthy care for your children while you’re gone. Is your spouse not on board? Pray about it – God will provide a willing heart.

I did NOT sit down today planning to write a post inviting you to come on my mission trip with me – so it has to be God speaking! This is your opportunity to travel to Africa and make a difference in the life of an orphan. More than that, it’s an opportunity for you to allow God to radically change your own life in ways you’ve never imagined. To share in HIS heart for those who are broken and hurting. I don’t want you to miss out on this incredible opportunity! You really can travel to Uganda with me and visit these beautiful faces….watch this video and pray about joining me on a life-changing adventure!!

Pure Religion: Uganda 2011 with Visiting Orphans from Jennifer Hanson on Vimeo.

“And if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry, and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.” Isaiah 58:10 (go read the rest of this chapter!)

Trip dates are December 26 (I know, I know – but God will provide!) through January 7. I just KNOW one of you is supposed to go with me!!

Hello Thursday

Well, hello, Thursday. My, you snuck up on me quick this week. (I don’t really think “snuck” is a word, but my spell check says it’s ok, so I’m going with it.)

**Edit: this started out as sort of a “random Thursday” post, but kind of turned into a mostly-about-Ebenezer post. Sorry. I can’t seem to help myself. :)

So much going on around here lately – seems we are busy, busy, busy all the time, but at the same time it seems like really nothing is going on. When it’s the same-o, same-o, I guess it seems like nothing, even if it’s a lot.

Let’s see.

So….Uganda. LOTS going on with that already. Update in the next post (whenever that may be).

Kloe is preparing for her first major ballet production. She is so excited she could pop. She’s been taking ballet for just over a year, and she auditioned for a part in the spring production and got it! We are SO proud of her. It’s a small, group part, but just to be able to say she’s in the production is so awesome!

Jacob? Is, well, Jacob. :) He’s not playing any sports right now, and I’m SO thankful. Practices and games every week just about wear me out. He’s doing Boy Scouts (loves), preparing for Battle of the Books at school, and is learning to do his own laundry. Glory. And hallelujah.

The Mister is B.U.S.Y. with a capital “B” this time of year. He sells drip irrigation systems, so they are trying to squeeze in every last sale and minute of work they can before the farmers plant. We typically see him between 9 (or 10) p.m. and 7 (or 6) a.m. I am oh-so-ready for planting season to get here!

My newest bloggy loves: We Are THAT Family and Gloriously Ruined. If you aren’t reading them, you should. Wynne from Gloriously Ruined is a photographer and is good friends with my mission trip leader, Kari Gibson. She was part of the Man Up and Go team and is pretty much all-around awesome. I just recently found out that she only lives a couple of hours away from me! We are totally planning a get-together soon. ;-)

I’m still making letters for Ebenezer, and even yesterday when I walked into Jacob’s school, the workroom assistant stopped me and ordered 3 more.  Oh Lord. Whew. Making those letters is SO involved and SO time-consuming and SO frustrating to me….and yet, the orders just keep coming. I really don’t even make that much profit from them to donate to Ebenezer, and yet I can’t seem to get away from them. Thank you, Jesus, for Your purpose.

Speaking of Ebenezer, I have to tell you THE. COOLEST. STORY. EVER. IN. THE. HISTORY. OF. THE. WORLD. Ever.

About six-ish weeks ago, the director of Hope Grafted In (HGI) (which is the U.S. non-profit that handles donations for Ebenezer) contacted me and asked if I would host an online 31 Gifts party (she’s a consultant) as a fundraiser for Ebenezer. I said, “Uh, sure, but I typically don’t do very well with parties.”

I thought maybe if I got a friend to team up with me we would do better. So my friend A graciously jumped on board, and we had an online party for 3 weeks. And we got 3 orders. Three. We raised all of $50 for Ebenezer. Which is good, don’t get me wrong, but I was a little discouraged to say the least.

Well. Right after we found out the total from the party – like that same day – Ebenezer posted on their FB page that the heavy rains of the Ugandan rainy season had caused their school/church structure to collapse. And by “structure”, I mean it was a metal roof held up by some wooden poles. Not even “poles” as you would picture them, but just trimmed down tree-poles. That structure is where they hold classes for their school, which is a source of income to the ministry. George posted that they needed 90,500 shillings to fix the structure. OH. MY. GOSH. Do you know how much 90,500 shillings is? Approximately $34.

I emailed HGI right away and said, “OH. MY. GOSH.” (I like emailing in all caps when I’m excited.) “Am I reading this right? It’s going to cost less than $40 to fix the structure???” They emailed back and said, “Yes, I think so! God knew what He was doing – looks like your 31 party will cover the whole thing!”

I was beside myself. SOOO cool that my “disappointing” $50 donation was now going to completely pay to fix their school room/church structure!

Ohhhh, but wait, it gets better.

Almost as soon as I got that email from HGI – in fact, I think while I was reading it – George posted an update on FB that said, “Sorry, the repairs are not 90,500 shillings, they’re 900,500 shillings.”

Oh, the difference a zero can make! What we thought was going to take $34 to fix was actually going to take $335. HGI emailed me again and said, “Your $50 will still help them get there.”

*sigh*

Now wait. Remember I’m still making letters for them? Earlier that day – before all the drama – I had just so happened to “randomly” check the balance in the separate checking account I use for that money. There was $282.00 in the account.

Check this.

$335.00 (to fix the structure)
-  50.00 (31 Gifts fundraiser)
$285.00

$285!!!!
Y’ALL!!!
(Yes. Yes, I DO need all those exclamation points!!!!)

GOD. IS. SO. COOL!!!!

Never have I ever been SO. ECSTATIC. about God's awesomeness (ok, maybe not "never")!!  And that, my friends, makes any day a good day.  Happy Thursday (night)!

The rest of the story.

When I told God I was surrendering all my hopes and dreams to Him, of course, in the back of my mind were all those stories you hear about people who say the minute they surrendered their dreams to God, He did something beyond anything they could ever have imagined.  And I tried so very hard not to let those thoughts stay in my head, because if I let myself think that was going to happen to me, well then I wouldn't really be giving up control, would I?  That would be trying to manipulate God, and of course that can never lead to anything but disaster.

I tried really hard.  And every time those kinds of thoughts would try to sneak into my mind, I would repeat over and over, "I surrender to You, God.  I lay it all down.  Whatever You want.  I choose You."

I wrote that list (in the last post) in my journal last Tuesday, March 5.  And on that Thursday I posted the following on Facebook:

"Received this Feb 16 edition of Jesus Calling in my email inbox this week:
THANK ME for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again....Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My Presence with you. Do not despise these simple ways of serving Me. Although you feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in spiritual realms.

Then heard this song on the radio this morning:
I've had all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold, and I don't know why.
I got a front row seat to the longest wait
And I just can't see past the things I pray today.
But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel deep in my heart grows strangely dim
All my worries fade and fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face and don't look around
Any place I'm in grows strangely dim

And this pic in my email today - think God is trying to tell me something?"

{Habakkuk 2:3 says, "For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail.  Though it tarries, WAIT for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay."}

Yes, God, I hear You.

I'm waiting.

I'm surrendering.

I'm giving up and trusting You.

And on Friday, I received the following email from the Uganda trip coordinator at VO:

"Hello Valerie and Amanda (it was sent to me and a sweet friend that I went to training with, who I met on my first trip to Uganda), this is S__ from VO. I hope you guys enjoyed the training we just finished.  I just wanted to throw this out to both of you as an option - we're starting to put multiple co-leaders on trips if possible, and there's a Uganda trip that I'll be putting on the calendar that will be December 27-January 7.  If you both would like to be co-leaders on this trip, that would be great.  If only one of you wants to, that will work as well.  I just wanted to give you both the opportunity to do this since you're friends.  Let me know if you'd like to co-lead and I'll put you down for it and get the trip on the calendar. Thanks!"

And there you have it.

Just like that, the wait is over.  I'm going back to Uganda!!

Hello? Is this thing on? (the story of me and where I'm at)

So, it's been pretty quiet here around the ol' blog lately. For quite a while actually. Not much going on. Not much to say about what's going on. Kinda been in my own little world for these past few months. Ruminating. Pondering. Waiting....

and waiting....


and waiting....


I've spent a lot of time in prayer. Not nearly as much as I should have probably, but a lot.

Lots of time reading. Getting the message loud and clear -- Wait.

And pray.

And then....keep waiting.

In case you're wondering exactly what it is I've been waiting ON, well, I'm kind of wondering that myself.

You see, a few years ago God began telling me to DO SOMETHING, do something, do something - and it took me the longest time to figure out what it was I was supposed to be DOING. And finally, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I went on a mission trip to Uganda. Two trips, actually.

When I came home from my first trip two summers ago, I immediately turned right around and signed up to go back again the next summer (which is now last summer). But when I got home from that second trip, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to DO next. My heart was both broken for and in love with the country of Uganda and its people, and I fully expected to come home to some huge revelation from God about what was next on the agenda for me and Uganda.

And there was nothing. Crickets.

I was more burdened and confused than I think I may ever have been before in my life, and I didn't know what to do about it.

And when I asked God what to DO, He said, "Wait."

And I said, "Ok, what do I DO while I'm waiting?"

And He said, "Pray."

Um. Ok. What exactly am I waiting and praying FOR?

And so while I waited to hear what God wanted me to DO, I prayed. I prayed that I would be willing to WAIT (are you seeing the vicious circle here?) I prayed that my heart would be changed. I prayed that I would learn to totally and completely surrender to God's plan. I prayed for the nation of Uganda, and for Christopher, and for George, and for all the friends I had made while I was there. I prayed for their ministries, and I prayed that God would let me go back there again someday. And then I prayed some more that I would be willing to surrender to God's plan. :) I prayed for my heart and my husband's heart and my children's hearts. I prayed. And I waited.  And I prayed some more.

While I waited I made some wooden letters, and I sold some jewelry, and I had an auction, all to raise money for one of the ministries I love in Uganda. Just to have something to DO. I wrote letters pouring out my love to my sweet Christopher. I kept up with Ugandan friends on Facebook and tried oh so hard not to be envious of former teammates who were already back there or planning their returns.....while I waited.

And then at last, in February - something to DO!

After much PRAYER, I felt like God was giving me the go-ahead to go to Team Leader Training with Visiting Orphans - the organization I've been to Uganda with both times. And so I spent a weekend in Nashville learning how to lead a mission team! I was SO, SO excited about the training, and I told the Mister before I left, "You know I'm coming home with a trip on the calendar, right?"

V.O. staff and brand new leaders

The weekend was fabulous and amazing and exciting and fun and.....and.....and I came home with no trip scheduled. You see, all the 2013 trips already have leaders, and they aren't scheduling trips for 2014 yet. And so, I got to come back home and.....wait.

And finally - finally - I gave up. That was it. That was the straw that broke....well....me. I gave in. And through tears, I surrendered my heart to God's plan. Through tears, I told Him, "I lay it all down. Whatever You want, I choose You. Fill my heart with a desire for nothing else other than to follow You and obey You."

I made a list. "God, I am laying down:
-Uganda
-going there with my family
-Canaan's
-leading a trip
-seeing Christopher again
-Ebenezer
-Sixty Feet
....and even if I never get to go back to Uganda again, I choose You."

To be continued....

Going to the chapel.

Look at me, blogging twice in one week. If I’m not careful, this could become a habit.

Two weeks ago this past Wednesday, I was standing at my kitchen sink doing the dishes when my phone rang. It was my dear friend Tammi, who I’ve known for over 16 years, and who is a kindergarten teacher at a local Christian school. She said, "We want you to come talk about your trips to Uganda during chapel at school!" She was SO excited, and I could tell she expected me to be, too.

My immediate, emphatic, and serious response was "NO."

For real.

Tammi was shocked, "What?! Why not? You have to! You LOVE Uganda! This is a chance for you to talk about what you did and the people there that you love!"

Yes, I love Uganda, thanks, but NO, I will not stand on a stage in our (very large) church and talk in front of all those people! Thank You, God, for the opportunity, but no thanks. Ha - I'm so dumb.

Tammi and I argued and argued and argued about it, like only the best of friends can do, until finally she said, "Well, you pray about it and let me know tomorrow what you decide."

Almost immediately when I got off the phone, God reminded me of the verse that says, “Whoever can be trusted with little can also be trusted with much." (Luke 16:10) He said, “Valerie, I’m giving you this opportunity. Can you be trusted with little? Are you going to turn this down when you’ve asked Me over and over again to give you opportunities to do something more for Uganda?” Sheesh.

I thought about the letters I painted to help raise money for Ebenezer. Little. I thought about the jewelry sale and auction I did for them. Little. Both of those were time consuming and frustrating in their own way, but I stuck it out. I wanted to be trusted with the little.

And I felt like maybe God was giving me this opportunity to take a tiny step forward on the path, traveling from "little" toward the general direction of "much". Sigh. But did it have to be something so hard? (Why I thought it would be anything less, I have no idea.) I H.A.T.E. speaking in front of people. Did you know that the fear of death is the SECOND most common fear people have? Do you know what #1 is?

Public speaking. Mmm-hmm. Hence my immediate "no" to Tammi's invitation.

Long Short story short, I called Tammi the next day and reluctantly told her I would do it. Tammi had a great idea that she could be on the stage with me, and we would do the presentation more like an interview. Whew! That made it SOO much better. It put my mind at great ease, and I actually started to get a little excited about it.

Tammi had assured me there was no reason to be nervous, because after all, I would be speaking to pre-k through 3rd graders. “Yes, and teachers and parents!” I said. She said, “Oh no, there’s only 5 (I think that’s what she said) classes (meaning only 5 teachers) and only a few parents come to chapel.”  She totally lied.

When I walked into the church Wednesday morning, the sanctuary was PACKED!! Ok, not packed. But we have a pretty large sanctuary, and it was at least half full. There were TONS of parents there. Tons. Including one of our local news anchors (his child goes to school there). Not to mention a TOUR GROUP of visitors from South Korea! What?!

Seriously. You people have no idea how much I hate this. Tammi simply cannot FATHOM why this is so hard for me. She is just about as sanguine as they come and has no concept.

But I fought down my urge to bolt, and sucked it up and got up on that stage. In the end, Tammi had ended up emailing me a list of 12 questions that the kids themselves had come up with. The kids (and Tammi) sat on the stage with me, and as I answered their questions, I did a slide show of pictures that went along with the answers.

And you know what?

I had fun.

Don’t tell anyone. :)

God gave me the opportunity to tell probably 200 (?) people about my love for Uganda! Are you kidding me? Yes, I was petrified. But God totally came through, and after the first little kindergartener asked me his question, the Holy Spirit filled me with total peace (John 14:27), and I was able to sit on that stage, reminisce about my lovely Uganda, and tell people what God allowed me to do there.

Amazing.

God is good. (and patient)

“Courage is being scared to death, and saddling up anyway.” ~ John Wayne

While I wait.

Just a small sampling of one of the many many ways God has sweetly and faithfully reminded me over and over again during the past few weeks that I am indeed exactly where I'm supposed to be right now....waiting on Him.

"Demonstrate your trust in Me by sitting quietly in My presence.  Put aside all that is waiting to be done, and refuse to worry about anything.  This sacred time together strengthens you and prepares you to face whatever the day will bring.  By waiting with Me before you begin the day's activities, you proclaim the reality of My living presence.  This act of faith - waiting before working - is noted in the spirit world, where your demonstration of trust weakens principalities and powers of darkness.

The most effective way to resist evil is to draw near Me.  When you need to take action, I will guide you clearly through My Spirit and My Word.  The world is so complex and overstimulating that you can easily lose your sense of direction.  Doing countless unnecessary activities will dissipate your energy.  When you spend time with Me, I restore your sense of direction.  As you look to Me for guidance, I enable you to do less but accomlish more."

~ Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, August 29 entry

Our sweet, beautiful Annie Marie went to live with Jesus during the night last night.

Please don't tell me any different.

God mercifully and faithfully answered the three prayers I had been praying for many months: that she wouldn't suffer, we wouldn't have to have her put down, and Jacob wouldn't be the one to find her. I sat by her side on the laundry room floor for hours, until she just didn't have the strength to take one more breath.

Please pray for our family today and in the coming days. Our hearts are desperately broken, and we will miss her so terribly. :(

Still waiting.

Y’all.

So….yeah.  After last week’s post that was all, “Ooolala, I feel so much better, I heard from God, yada yada yada,” today I woke up in a mood.  A mood, I tell you. A mood to not believe any of it for a single minute. Because that’s how I roll.

1. Get desperate about something. Anything. Everything.
2. Receive a wonderful, encouraging word from God.
3. Feel better.
4. Rest in His peace for about 3 minutes.
5. Start to doubt myself.
6. Start to doubt God.
7. Decide I never heard from Him in the first place and I made it all up.
8. Eat seven miniature York Peppermint Patties. Or Kit-Kats. Or both.

Ok, so I only had five. But still.

When? When does this crazy cycle end?

And why? Why is God so patient and merciful with me?

This morning I had to walk a couple of blocks over to the hospital for my annual employee health screen. On the way there I had a melt-down with God about – well, everything. On the way back I said I was sorry and that really I’m thankful.

And then later, in the span of just a couple of hours, I read this on The Ruined Life blog (shared with permission):

"We've had strong desires for a life in missions but beyond going on a few trips to Africa we have effected very little movement towards that end. I have often wondered why our move into missions/God's vision for our life was moving so interminably slow, why after two years we still don't know exactly what or how He would like for us to carry out the Great Commission - at this point I'd even settle for a vague idea.

And then today I had a duh-slap-yourself-in-the-head revelation.

We have been so focused on things that we should be DOING for God that we have completely neglected relationship. God cares very little for how much we DO. He wants a relationship with us. Not just a "see Ya on Sunday" relationship, but daily seeking Him out. Not just when we need direction or healing, but seek Him out as much as we seek time on Facebook, eating comfort foods, watching movies. We've tried to skip the disciplined parts of relationship (prayer and study of the written words of God) in hopes of going straight to part of relationship that offers immediate good feelings and feedback, but let's face it, it's just emptiness without real fellowship.

So the vision for our family, [will] come out of our relationship with Him. Until then we are just doing stuff. Clanging cymbal kind of stuff.
Spinning our wheels.
Going nowhere.

As we press into Him, discipline our minds to study and our hearts to prayer, He will reveal desires and orchestrate opportunities, provide motivation, increase passion, impart boldness, give vision, etc.

Proverbs 2:4 If you seek it like silver and search for it like hidden treasures...

May just as well have said, "If I will seek it like time on fb and search for it like a snicker bar".

Casually seeking and accidentally running into God will not get us to our purpose, but rather purposeful, deliberate pursuit, irregardless of how uninteresting or boring it seems at the moment - create taste, desire, passion, boldness for Him by spending deliberate time with Him." (all emphasis mine)


I could have totally written that.  In fact, I think I have to some degree.
And then I read this on Ann Voskamp’s A Holy Experience:

No matter what the hands claim is the work, prayer IS the work, and the only work that will outlast fire.

Which reminded me of the EXACT SAME QUOTE in the Kelly Minter Bible study I’m doing right now, Nehemiah-A Heart that can Break.....prayer IS the work.


And then I read this in an email from Steven Furtick:

“If you’ve been a Christian for any amount of time, you’ve more than likely found yourself asking the question, “What does God want to do through my life?” Often times, the answer to that question can be found within the answer to another question – “What makes you miserable?” While that seems to be an unlikely place to start, many times it is in our misery where God chooses to speak to us.”

And what makes me more miserable than W-A-I-T-I-N-G???

So there you have it.

Back to step 2 of the process.  Our kind and patient God - not on account of any merit of my own, but only on account of His great compassion (Daniel 9:18) - speaks yet another encouraging word. The same word.  “No, you didn’t make this up. I really told you to be still and wait and pray. So get busy.”

Hmpf.

A new season.

This is not at all the blog post I sat down to write today. I fully intended to just pop in, say hi, give a little update about what's been going on around here lately, tell you how I almost killed Jacob's fish today when I DROPPED IT DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL, and maybe post a picture or two (not of the fish). But, well, this is what came flowing out of my fingertips....

It's been quiet here around the ol' blog lately. Not a lot going on. I've been laying low, taking some time off to think, reflect, contemplate, pray.

Coming home from Africa nearly did me in this year. Last year was hard. But this year? Just about ate my lunch. And dinner. I was overwhelmed in a way I’ve never experienced before and didn't know how to process.... wanting to be back there, missing Christopher until my heart ached, insanely homesick for a place that is not my home. I was going through the motions of everyday life, but my heart was not functioning. I felt horribly, horribly sad every waking moment of the day. And I didn't know what to do about it.

Uganda was the first thought on my mind every morning and the last thought on my mind every night. I was obsessed, I tell you. I prayed constantly, feverishly - for George, for Christopher, for Pastor Samuel. I cried and pleaded with the Lord over and over, "What am I supposed to do now? Show me what to DO. I don't know what to DO." After more than two years of hearing God say to me, "Do Something," the sheer panic of not knowing what to DO with all those emotions was really about to make me crazy.

What do I DO?

And then one day we all decided to go get ice cream. (Nice segue, huh? The next sentence should be “The End”.)

I was standing at the counter waiting for the lady to process my debit card, and I looked over to my left, and there taped to the ice cream case was a post card. On the post card was this verse:

Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you...

and pray to the Lord on its behalf,

for in its welfare you will have welfare. Jer. 29:7

Um.  Wow.

That was it. I heard God saying, “This is your something to do. Pray.” Do you know how hard it is to pray when you want to DO? I’m not very good at it.

And because I’m not very good at it, although I kept on praying, I also kept on asking, “But what am I supposed to DO?” Sheesh, I’m slow.

I was so desperate to hear something from God that I started asking Him to please speak to me through someone else. I said, “I know You speak through Your word, and I know You whisper in my heart, but I could totally make up either one of those things. Would You please speak to me through someone else?”

Truth be told, I only 1/2 expected Him to answer. Maybe 1/3.

Fast forward to church this past Sunday. In our Sunday School class we’re doing a video series right now, and after the video we always break up into groups of 2 or 3 to pray. I got paired up with an amazing woman named Moray. (I don’t know how to spell her name, but when she introduced herself she said, “I’m Moray – like the eel.” :) )

I was wearing this beauty, which I wear almost every day:

…and Moray said, “Tell me about Africa.” Ha! She didn’t know what she was getting herself into! ;)

As I began to share my (condensed) story, she seemed enraptured and kept saying things like, “Oh, Valerie! That’s amazing! Wow!” All the things a story-teller wants to hear. :)

When I finished my story, I said, “And so….I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now!”

And she said (dramatic pause for effect).....

“Well. That’s all the more reason to be in the Word. This is a time of learning, a time of studying and growing, a time of stretching so that you will be ready when God reveals His plan to you.”

Now, I know to you those just seem like sound words of wisdom. But to me, they sounded like the voice of God granting my request for Him to speak to me through someone else. A reconfirming that what I'm supposed to be DOing right now is waiting....and praying.  Being still and knowing that He is God.  I’ve felt so much more at peace since then. Not completely – but much more than before.

This is uncharted territory for me. A new season. Never before can I remember ever being in a time of purposeful, intentional waiting before the Lord. Before now, “waiting” has always consisted of me impatiently standing around, tapping my foot, waiting for God to “do His thang.” Like a kid waiting for you to finish doing the dishes so you can take him to the park. “Is it time yet? Now? Now is it time? Are you done yet? Can we go now?”

For the first time (ever?), I’m choosing to sit, and be quiet, and be still, and listen, and learn…..and wait.

And it’s hard.

Because instead of, “I’m listening, Lord,” what I really want to say is, “Can we go now?”

I just know there's more.

I'm sitting here staring at the blinking curser on my screen, knowing that there is so much more to write about my time in Africa, and not even knowing where to begin.  I went back and read my posts from last year, and now I know why I never finished writing about that trip.  I just. don't. know. what to say.

It's next to impossible (for a non-writer like me) to put into words the things you do and see and experience and feel when you visit a third-world country like Ethiopia or Uganda (or any other).  I sit and I ponder, and I pray, and I wonder what in the world I'm supposed to do now.  And putting it all into words?  I just don't know how.


Chuko Weyama, Ethiopia



(through the bus window :))

I've read several blog posts over the past few days, written by my fellow teammates about their experiences during our trip, and they are all so eloquent!  Perfectly describing not just the facts, but their thoughts, feelings, and impressions about all that we saw.  Me?  Eloquent isn't on my resume.

This beautiful little girl was asking for money as we were loading the bus. :(

And this precious little boy's grandmother asked me
to take him back to America with me. :(

I can do the facts pretty well - after all, I'm a detail girl - but I think last year I over-explained every little FACT because I just couldn't express the emotions that went along with them.  I can't even explain what I'm feeling to my own self.  How can I possibly write it out here?

But here's the thing I do know.  Uganda is huge....HUGE....gigantic....in my heart.  I've known that for a year now, but it kinda tends to fade with the passing of time, you know?  You get busy with life - work, school, PTA, soccer, ballet, church, boy scouts, bills, laundry, grocery shopping, blah blah blah - and somehow the passions of your heart, when you're distracted with the cares of day-to-day life, get pushed to the back burner and start to fade a little.

We were so honored to get to help serve lunch to the beautiful children at Return Ministries!

So after spending the first week of our trip in Ethiopia, I was not in ANY way expecting the tidal wave of emotion that swept over me when our plane landed in Uganda.  Before we even touched down the tears started flowing, and I cried until I had to pull myself together to get off the plane.  What in the world?  What was that all about? 

It was overwhelming, unexpected love.  A love that could only come straight from the heart and plan of God.  A love for this amazing country and its beautiful people.  A love I can't begin to explain, didn't expect or seek out, and don't know what to do with now that I'm home.

Children living near Kampala, Uganda.

Actually, my heart is swimming in a battery of different emotions, and really, I don't know what to do with ANY of them.  I'm....
sad - because I'm not there and I don't know when I'll get to go back. 
homesick - for a place that's not my home. 
longing - to know what's going on in the lives of the people I came to love there. 
confused - about where I go from here and what I'm supposed to do now. 
anxious - for my family to share this love and passion.
frustrated - over all of the above.

My sweet friend Ashley (thank you, friend) told me, "As hard as it is, I know Jesus is speaking to you through your passion, pain and ache for Uganda.  Listen to the ache and you will hear Him."  Oh, how I love that!  It's so hard - and so counterintuitive - and so RIGHT.  Because to "listen to the ache" you have to sit in it for a while.  And be still.  And wait.  And listen.  And who wants to do that?  Not this girl!

I want ANSWERS!

I want DIRECTION!

I want a PURPOSE!

But....listening to the ache?  On one hand, it sounds so depressing.  But on this other hand over here, I just know that it's right. 

"Be still and know that I am God."  Ps. 46:10

"The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by."  Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a still small voice." 1 Kings 19:11-12

And oddly enough, it feels right, too.  Because what else am I gonna do with this ache in my heart?  Wallow in it?  Pretend it's not there?  Ignore it until it fades away like last year's passion?  No.  I want to be still, and wait, and listen to the ache until I hear Him tell me what it means.
 
Because I just know there's more.
 

And then it was over. Or not.

Apparently it's harder to blog from Africa than I thought it would be. :)

Not just because of the time constraints - we were on the go every day from breakfast through late dinners - but also because of the sheer overwhelmingness of what we saw and did every day.  Where do you even start?  It's like coming home and having someone ask "How was your trip?"  There's just no easy response.

Good?  Amazing?  Incredible.  Overwhelming.

Life changing.

Sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean.

How many things in life can we say truly are Life Changing?  Meaning, they truly, literally CHANGE your very life?

Remember my New Year's Quest to Be Different?  I pray with all my heart that the last two summers I spent in Africa will absolutely CHANGE the way I live my life.  Because it needs to be changed.  I don't for one single second believe God allowed me to go on these two incredible journeys so that I could come home and say, "Wow, that was amazing," and go back to life as usual.  What would be the point in that?

I don't know what that means, or what it looks like, or what it will entail going forward, but I'm going to be praying for it with all my heart.  Because I want to be different.  And I want my family to be different.  And I want us to MAKE a difference.

And so.  With that, let's talk about Africa. ;)

Airport in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia

Day two of our adventure (see day one in the previous post) was supposed to be THE BIG DAY, when we would visit a leper village near Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, called Korah, as well as a community that was literally built on top of the trash dump.

Look at this picture below.  Do you see the people there?  Those people don't VISIT the dump every day to dig through the trash.....they LIVE there.  Are you getting this?  They LIVE in little shacks and shanties that they have built from pieces of tin and cardboard - right. on. top. of. the. trash. dump. (oh, and all those flecks you see in the sky?  vultures.)

They live there every single minute of every single day.  Their children are born there.  They scrounge through the GARBAGE to find food to feed their families.  Truly....truly....stop and think about that existence for a minute.  Your family.  Your children.  THIS is why we can't go on living our lives blind to the rest of the world.

The government of Addis has recently closed the trash dump to groups (gee, I wonder why), and so we weren't allowed to visit the villagers who live there.  We were, however, able to visit Korah, which began as a leper colony right next to the trash dump.  About 75 years ago, the government established Korah as a "throw-away" village, where lepers were cast out of the city to live in seclusion....exactly like in Bible times. 

Today there are thousands of people who live in Korah (the last estimate I read was 130,000), and they are considered the lowest of the low.  They are so "forgotten", in fact, that many people in the capital city of Addis Ababa - of which Korah is a part, a burrough, if you will - don't even know it EXISTS.

The children coming to greet us! :)

Let me tell you a story about one of the children of Korah.  His name is Sammy.  Both of Sammy's parents were lepers.  His father eventually died of leprosy, leaving Sammy alone in Korah with his mother and sister.  When Sammy was about 12 (14?) years old, a Young Life team visited Korah, and Sammy met a man who took an interest in him, and through a series of events, eventually helped Sammy find Jesus, get out of Korah, and get an education.  [You can read more of Sammy's store here.]

Sammy has now returned to Korah, and he's making it his life's work to change the lives of the people who live there.  He has started a ministry called Great Hope, which has several arms under its canopy: a feeding program; a daycare where moms can leave their children while they work; a ministry called Mission Ethiopia, where the women of Korah make bead necklaces to sell and earn money; another ministry called Project 61 that secures sponsors for the children of Korah, whereby they can get out of the village and attend boarding school; and he's just now starting to build a coffee shop RIGHT IN THE VILLAGE, where visiting teams can buy coffee (brewed or unbrewed) to help support his other ministries.

And he's 26 years old.

THIS is someone whose life was changed, and who is doing the most he can to make a difference in the world.  A huge difference.  I am totally amazed at all he's doing with the opportunities God has given him.

Meet Sammy.  What an incredible (and handsome!) young man of God.

So...what did we do in Korah?

Walked.
Saw.
Played.
Loved.
Learned.
Changed.

We walked through a large portion of the village, playing with and loving on kids along the way, greeting the villagers with "Selam", which means, "Peace".  We touched and hugged and held hands with lepers - those who may not have felt the love of human touch in many, many years.  We had the humbling honor of being the hands of Jesus.

We watched women hand-spinning cotton into thread and then watched the men hand-loom the thread into fabric, creating with their hands the very sustenance of their lives.  I loved this.  Loved witnessing the way God has brought provision to this forgotten community and given them a means of supporting themselves and their families, when before there was no hope but what they could find on the dump.

We also had the opportunity to serve with our hands by painting three rooms of the building where the women of Mission Ethiopia make beads out of clay and paper, and then use those beads to make necklaces which, again, they can sell to provide income for their families.  A wholesome, alternative means of income.  Alternative to....the things they were forced to resort to before.

Spinning cotton into thread.

Weaving the thread into fabric.

One of the rooms we painted. :)

Making clay beads in their lovely new blue room!

And, maybe most importantly, we were changed.  Hopefully forever.  We learned that life is about so much more than anything we normally think about on a typical day in America.  We learned that following Jesus is about so much more than just dressing up for church and attending Bible study and picnics.  We saw with our own eyes what it means to BE the body of Christ.

Please, please take a few minutes to watch this video about Korah.  This isn't our team - but it will give you a very good idea about what Korah is like (and you'll see Sammy several times in the video as well! :)

And then take a minute and ask God what He wants you to do with what you've seen.  Share it?  Tell others?  Facebook?  Blog?  Sponsor a child?  Find other ministries to support and get involved with? 

Because I promise you, whether you get involved with Korah and Great Hope Ministry or not....I know God wants you - wants all of us - to do something.

Once our eyes are opened we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows we know and holds us responsible to act. Proverbs 24:12

Hello from Africa!!

You will have to excuse my incoherence - I've only slept a total of about 6 hours since the time I woke up on Tuesday morning!

My adventure began eaaarly Wednesday morning at 4 a.m.  My sweet friend B had offered to drive me to the airport in Dallas to catch my flight to Washington DC. God was so obviously working on my behalf throughout the day! The details are tedious, but the highlights include Him leading us in the right way when we got lost (!), getting me to the airport on time despite being lost, faithfully walking me through getting my bags checked without paying the baggage fee (they're not supposed to charge you when you're connecting to an international flight, but the ticket agent was not convinced of that!), getting me to TWO flights on time despite running late, and allowing me a 3rd bag for free when security made me check it! Thank you so much for all of your prayers - they have been so obvious in my life the past two days!

I flew from Dallas to Charlotte, NC, then from there to Washington DC where we spent the night. Thursday morning our awesome team of 23 left DC for a 12 1/2 hour flight to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, where we arrived at about 7:15 Friday morning (we are 7 hours ahead of Washington DC). We had a few minutes to drop our stuff at the guest house, and then we were off to visit the beautiful ladies at Fistula Women's Hospital (photos are not allowed). This is the amazing hospital from the documentary "A Walk to Beautiful". Have you seen it? If not, you should definitely try to track it down (I know it's on Netflix, and maybe Hulu(?)).  This place and the care they give to these women is AMAZING. You may have even heard of it when Oprah visited there about 7 years ago and made a rather hefty donation. :)

After the hospital we had a DELICIOUS home-cooked lunch at our guesthouse and then everybody crashed for naps! :) About half the team just left to visit an orphanage, about 1/3 of the team never woke up from their naps, and the rest of us (3) are blogging/emailing/facebook messaging. :)

Tonight we have dinner at a local restaurant, and tomorrow is THE BIG DAY when we will be visiting and loving on the people of the village of Korah, which is literally built on top of a trash dump. For real. So did you even know that there truly are people whose whole existence consists every day of digging through the trash that the trucks bring in, in order to find their sustenance? Meaning their food. And maybe a few salvagable trinkets they might be able to sell. Other people's trash and leftovers.

We in America have no. i. dea.

I would love to have your prayers for myself and my team over the next two weeks. We have already heard so many stories of God's faithfulness just in the 2 days we've been traveling so far. He's been so amazing and gracious! I'm hoping I'll be able to update here a little better this year than I did last year, with the help of the awesome treat I posted about last week. :) Most likely, though, my posts will be short and sweet due to not having much time in the evenings, and also because there are 23 of us trying to use the very limited wifi all at once.

{uggggh. I can NOT figure out how to upload pictures into a blog post on the ipad. When I click on the little insert photo icon, the "select pictures" button is grayed out. Anyone know how to do this? If not, none of my posts will have pictures until I get back home! If you're my friend on FB, I'm posting a very FEW pics there....very slow internet :) }

More to come!!

SixtyFeet came. And then they left.

Oh, what an amazing....and at the same time un-amazing....time it was!  I was giddy all week getting ready for the guys from SixtyFeet to come.  I wore my SixtyFeet t-shirt so they could recognize me at the airport, and when I walked by Judd, he was talking on the phone and motioned to me like "You're here for me."  I was GIDDY I tell you!  I felt like my junior high celebrity crush had just given me the finger-gun-wink. ;)  I could hardly concentrate on the road as I chauffeured them around all day.  Not because of them - I barely knew who Judd and Jonathan were before that day - but because of ALL of them - everyone involved with SixtyFeet and what they do.  I.  Love.  Them.  And I had worked SO long and SO hard and had SO much frustration trying to get them here.  And now here they were!  It was fantastic!

I asked the guys if they wanted to go set up the film before or after dinner, and they emphatically, eagerly agreed that we needed to go immediately after I picked them up from the airport at 2:00.  And ohhhh, how right they were.  We got to the church about 3:00, and at 4:30 we left the pastor there by himself STILL trying to get the video to work.  We went to eat dinner, and when we got back at 6:30 he was still working on it. 

The event was supposed to start at 7:00. 

At 7:15, they finally got the video working. 

Phew!  Thank You, Jesus!

The video and the presentation were awesome.  I hadn't seen the video before, and it was so incredible to see "first hand" the huge difference SixtyFeet is making in the lives of the children in Ugandan prisons.  And Judd and Jonathan were awesome.  Truly, truly, it felt like we had known them forever, and that they were close friends we were being reunited with after not seeing each other for years.  It was amazing.  We had so much fun!  And finally being able to have them here in person and see the fruit of all my efforts was just awesome. [yes, I did use all those "awesomes" on purpose ;)]


SixtyFeet board member extraordinaire, Judd Harper. :)

Not so awesome?  Hardly anybody was there!  Y'all.  I was so. sad.  As far as I know, only one donation was made, and that was from one of my sweet friends.  And as far as I know, only two purchases of their merchandise were made - one by another of my sweet friends, and one by us.

My beautiful friends Bethany and Michelle who came to share my love. :)

And that was it.

No one asked them questions.  No one engaged them in conversation.  The audience seemed completely uninvolved and unmoved and interested only in the cupcakes at the end. :(



Because of the Cupcake Kids.



Sweet Kloe served lemonade.

And now.....well, now what?

Um, I totally don't get it.  Nine months of planning and scheduling and emailing and rescheduling and looking for a place and trying, trying, trying to give up and feeling like I really just wasn't supposed to....and why?  I told God that even if this one thing was all He had for me to do with SixtyFeet, I was so thankful.  And really, I am.  But I kind of thought there would be more.  Even if not more for me, I was so sure there would be more of a response.  More people wanting to get involved.  More...I don't know...just more that would come from it.

And maybe there has been and I just don't know it.  Maybe people went to the website and decided to get involved.  Maybe people made donations or bought merchandise online.  Maybe God planted seeds in people's hearts that will sprout sometime in the future.  I don't know.

I told one of my friends it was like having a wedding without a marriage. :)  You plan and plan and plan, and then the big day comes, and then it's over and you just go on with life.

So there you have it.  My SixtyFeet adventure in a nutshell.  I don't know if anything more will ever come of it.  I don't know what the purpose was for all of it.  I don't know if God has anything else for me to do with SixtyFeet.  I don't know if we'll ever see our long-lost friends Judd and Jonathan again. 

But I know SixtyFeet and the imprisoned children of Uganda are still in my heart.  And at this point, that's about all I know. 

The end.

Jonathan, Jacob, me, Kloe, The Mister, and Judd.