TMI - Honesty in all its ugliness - the not-conclusion.

I’ve been pondering how to wrap up this little mini-series I started a couple of weeks ago. I’m starting to realize that “conclusion coming soon” was a lie. Because the conclusion isn’t here yet, and I’m not really sure when it’s coming. 

I’ve realized that just realizing where you’ve been doesn’t get you out of where you’ve been. I think realizing it is half the battle. But then there’s that other half….  And I’m not sure how to get out of where I’ve been. 

You know that story in John chapter 5 about the man Jesus encountered at the Pool of Bethesda? 

“Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda, and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’” John 5:1-6 

Why do you think Jesus asked him if he wanted to get well? Doesn’t that seem like a silly question? We think, “Of course he wanted to get well!” But you know what? It’s not a silly question. Some people don’t want to get well. Sometimes it’s so much easier just to stay where we are – even if it’s hard and painful. Sometimes familiar pain is easier than change. 

Well, I want to get well. 

I’m not sure exactly what happened last summer. I think something in my heart just snapped from the overwhelming-ness of coming back from Africa a second time, and when I just couldn’t take it anymore, Jesus offered me a reprieve from the weight of it all. Except I took that reprieve as being enough and decided I could just live there. Except I don’t want to anymore. 

So now here I am. Not sure where I’m going, but knowing where I’ve been living the past year, and knowing I don’t want to stay there. I want to be well. Does anyone remember those old cassette tape players – the kind that when you pressed the “pause” button, it would stay down? And then when you pressed the button again, it would pop back up and the tape would continue playing. It’s kind of like I pushed the pause button on my life, and it’s been stuck in the “down” position for a year, and now I’m ready to press the button again for it to pop back up and life to continue. I know I won’t be picking up right where I left off like a cassette tape would, but I’m ready to pick up and move on, nonetheless. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Yes, Jesus, I want to get well.

TMI: Honesty in all its ugliness - part 2.

Once I was finally able to come up for air, I think my thoughts were something along the lines of, "Whew! Man, that was a rough season! Thank You, Jesus, for rescuing me out of that. Glad that’s over." But my eyes were still full of sand, and my clothes were still wet and ragged, and I was so relieved at not drowning, that I didn't even realize I was still a mess. I just continued stumbling around in the dark for....oh, I don't know....the last year.

Because you say, “I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,” and you do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked. Rev. 3:17

Added on top of all the emotional mess I was in, watching so many of my friends and former teammates move on into lives of service and purpose and passion – adopting, raising money to support ministries, traveling on and leading mission trips – while I was still struggling to catch my breath, well, it left me a little….ok, jealous.

And jealousy is an enemy to your soul. It hold its hands over the eyes of your heart and leaves you walking along in darkness when you don't even know it.  It was blindness on top of blindness.

Then sometime this past spring, I began to notice a few things. Things like....we hadn't taken the kids on kid dates in forever and I hadn't even realized it. Like, we hadn't done family nights in months and I didn't even have the energy to care. Like, I had lost contact with many of my friends except for an occasional text every couple of months or so.

Slowly, slowly I began to realize I’d been living life in a daze.  At first I wasn’t sure what had happened or why.  What was it that had caused me to be sleepwalking through my life?  I actually don't think it was until I started working on this post that I finally started to see what had happened.  

The nearest I can figure is that I never let Jesus completely heal my heart from the wreckage that happened last summer when I left Uganda.

A couple of weeks ago, I read this on Shaun Groves’ blog.  Shaun is the leader – director? developer? – of Compassion Bloggers. Two to three times a year, he leads a group of bloggers on trips with Compassion International to raise awareness about what Compassion does.

"On the last night of every Compassion Bloggers trip we sit around a table together and talk about how to go back home. Because re-entry is a peculiar and scary thing. We talk about the myriad responses we may have when we get there. There’s no telling what’s going to happen when a person goes from slum to Super Target.

Some people are numb, unable to feel anything.
Some are battered by guilt and embarrassment over how easy their life is.
Some feel inexplicably sad, over nothing…or everything.
Some lose their drive and ambition entirely and quit blogging.
Some get angry.

And, I tell the bloggers, some people experience all of this in one afternoon!
No matter what you feel, I tell them, it’s normal. You’re not the only one."

Ahh….finally, there it was! THIS is what had been wrong with me!  Not only had I experienced pretty much "all of this in one afternoon", I had continued to experience all of it for an ENTIRE YEAR.  And I didn't know what to do with all of it.  I didn't know how to process it.  So instead of working through it with Jesus the way I should have, sub-consciously I just pulled myself into a cocoon, and I hid as best I could.

I distinctly remember, when the waves of sadness would start to engulf me, I would say to myself, "It's ok.  It's ok.  I can do this." - meaning "It's ok that I feel this way.  It's normal, and I'll be fine."  Umm, yes, it's ok to feel that way.  It's not ok to stay that way.  And the only way I could be fine was to let Jesus heal me.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not LET yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Gal. 5:1

When Jesus reached down and rescued me from that oppressive weight that I thought was going to suffocate me, I didn’t realize that I needed to continue pressing hard into Him in order to not LET myself continue to be burdened by the YOKE OF SLAVERY that still had its clutches around me.

Did you know you can LET yourself be burdened by a yoke of slavery?  Caught in a stronghold?  Even after Jesus died to set you free?  Yep.  Jesus has provided us the victory, but just like salvation, it's up to us to choose it.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.  {YOU} Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil." Eph. 6:10-11

Sheesh, y'all.  I know this stuff.  I've done Beth's Moore's Breaking Free.  I've done Believing God.  Twice.  I've filled one index card spiral after another after another with scripture.  I've quoted it and prayed it and memorized it.  I KNOW how to stand firm against the yoke of slavery, against strongholds, against the schemes of the devil.  I KNOW how to put on the full armor of God....His truth, His righteousness, the shield of faith, and the sword of the Spirit (His WORD).  

But man, Satan is so devious.  I totally expected the struggle of coming back from Africa.  I expected the sadness, the guilt, the anger and frustration.  And because I expected it, I accepted it.  I just laid right down and LET that yoke wrap itself right around my heart and mind.

*sigh*

....conclusion coming soon

TMI: Honesty in all its ugliness - part 1.

I didn't actually mean to stop blogging. Not really.

I kept meaning to get back to it, and every couple of weeks or so I'd think, "Man, I really need to catch up on my blog." But then somehow I just never did.

So much life has happened during the past year that I never got around to documenting (or only did so minimally). Our sweet Kloe turned 12. Her last year as a pre-teen. And I was mentally absent for much of it (more about that later).

I resigned from PTA – a big change for me after 5½ years (I’ve actually accepted a new position for this coming school year, though). We got a new (used) minivan. I miss the Expedition terribly, but you know, we have to eat. :)

Our sweet Annie died last August, and we brought home a new puppy in January. Also in January, I was asked to speak during a local Christian schools’ chapel time about my mission trips. Wow, that was an amazing experience!

February was a big month. Jacob turned 10. Double digits. Did I even post a blog about that? I don’t think so. I started having some issues with my hip that still aren’t resolved. I got my braces off (yay!), had a minor procedure done on my foot that left me hobbling around in a “shoe” (you know the kind) for two weeks, and we had TWO school snow days in a row! I also went to Nashville for leadership training with Visiting Orphans, the organization I have traveled to Africa with the past two summers.

Other things I missed? Kloe’s first overnight band trip (I actually went on the trip as a chaperone, but you know….mentally absent), her first band UIL contest, her first major ballet production, Passover, my mom’s birthday, Jacob’s school field trip….and the list goes on.

It's been such a strange season for me this past year. If anybody's still hanging around here who was with me back when I came home from Uganda last summer, you may remember what a hard time I had transitioning back into "normal" life. I really thought I was gonna go under there for a while. And then one day, through God's abundant mercy and kindness, He pulled me up out of the pit and set my feet back on some semi-solid ground. After weeks of feeling like I was suffocating to death, at last I could finally breathe again.

The Nile River

Funny thing, though. I came up out of the pit....but I never really came out of the fog. I felt such relief at finally being able to just get through my day without breaking down in tears....at being able to take a breath without feeling like there was an elephant sitting on my chest - on my heart - that I didn't realize I was still wandering around in the dark.

It was kind of like Jesus, in all of His great mercy, reached down into the raging waters that were threatening to drown me, grabbed my hand, and pulled me up onto a sand bar. As I lay there gasping for air, so grateful that I wasn't having to struggle for every breath, so thankful for some solid ground under my hands and knees, I never bothered to look around me and realize that I was still standing in the middle of the ocean, surrounded on every side by waves and emptiness.

I was still LOST, but I didn't know it. So I didn't bother trying to get found.

...to be continued

The rest of the story.

When I told God I was surrendering all my hopes and dreams to Him, of course, in the back of my mind were all those stories you hear about people who say the minute they surrendered their dreams to God, He did something beyond anything they could ever have imagined.  And I tried so very hard not to let those thoughts stay in my head, because if I let myself think that was going to happen to me, well then I wouldn't really be giving up control, would I?  That would be trying to manipulate God, and of course that can never lead to anything but disaster.

I tried really hard.  And every time those kinds of thoughts would try to sneak into my mind, I would repeat over and over, "I surrender to You, God.  I lay it all down.  Whatever You want.  I choose You."

I wrote that list (in the last post) in my journal last Tuesday, March 5.  And on that Thursday I posted the following on Facebook:

"Received this Feb 16 edition of Jesus Calling in my email inbox this week:
THANK ME for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again....Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My Presence with you. Do not despise these simple ways of serving Me. Although you feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in spiritual realms.

Then heard this song on the radio this morning:
I've had all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold, and I don't know why.
I got a front row seat to the longest wait
And I just can't see past the things I pray today.
But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel deep in my heart grows strangely dim
All my worries fade and fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face and don't look around
Any place I'm in grows strangely dim

And this pic in my email today - think God is trying to tell me something?"

{Habakkuk 2:3 says, "For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail.  Though it tarries, WAIT for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay."}

Yes, God, I hear You.

I'm waiting.

I'm surrendering.

I'm giving up and trusting You.

And on Friday, I received the following email from the Uganda trip coordinator at VO:

"Hello Valerie and Amanda (it was sent to me and a sweet friend that I went to training with, who I met on my first trip to Uganda), this is S__ from VO. I hope you guys enjoyed the training we just finished.  I just wanted to throw this out to both of you as an option - we're starting to put multiple co-leaders on trips if possible, and there's a Uganda trip that I'll be putting on the calendar that will be December 27-January 7.  If you both would like to be co-leaders on this trip, that would be great.  If only one of you wants to, that will work as well.  I just wanted to give you both the opportunity to do this since you're friends.  Let me know if you'd like to co-lead and I'll put you down for it and get the trip on the calendar. Thanks!"

And there you have it.

Just like that, the wait is over.  I'm going back to Uganda!!

Hello? Is this thing on? (the story of me and where I'm at)

So, it's been pretty quiet here around the ol' blog lately. For quite a while actually. Not much going on. Not much to say about what's going on. Kinda been in my own little world for these past few months. Ruminating. Pondering. Waiting....

and waiting....


and waiting....


I've spent a lot of time in prayer. Not nearly as much as I should have probably, but a lot.

Lots of time reading. Getting the message loud and clear -- Wait.

And pray.

And then....keep waiting.

In case you're wondering exactly what it is I've been waiting ON, well, I'm kind of wondering that myself.

You see, a few years ago God began telling me to DO SOMETHING, do something, do something - and it took me the longest time to figure out what it was I was supposed to be DOING. And finally, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I went on a mission trip to Uganda. Two trips, actually.

When I came home from my first trip two summers ago, I immediately turned right around and signed up to go back again the next summer (which is now last summer). But when I got home from that second trip, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to DO next. My heart was both broken for and in love with the country of Uganda and its people, and I fully expected to come home to some huge revelation from God about what was next on the agenda for me and Uganda.

And there was nothing. Crickets.

I was more burdened and confused than I think I may ever have been before in my life, and I didn't know what to do about it.

And when I asked God what to DO, He said, "Wait."

And I said, "Ok, what do I DO while I'm waiting?"

And He said, "Pray."

Um. Ok. What exactly am I waiting and praying FOR?

And so while I waited to hear what God wanted me to DO, I prayed. I prayed that I would be willing to WAIT (are you seeing the vicious circle here?) I prayed that my heart would be changed. I prayed that I would learn to totally and completely surrender to God's plan. I prayed for the nation of Uganda, and for Christopher, and for George, and for all the friends I had made while I was there. I prayed for their ministries, and I prayed that God would let me go back there again someday. And then I prayed some more that I would be willing to surrender to God's plan. :) I prayed for my heart and my husband's heart and my children's hearts. I prayed. And I waited.  And I prayed some more.

While I waited I made some wooden letters, and I sold some jewelry, and I had an auction, all to raise money for one of the ministries I love in Uganda. Just to have something to DO. I wrote letters pouring out my love to my sweet Christopher. I kept up with Ugandan friends on Facebook and tried oh so hard not to be envious of former teammates who were already back there or planning their returns.....while I waited.

And then at last, in February - something to DO!

After much PRAYER, I felt like God was giving me the go-ahead to go to Team Leader Training with Visiting Orphans - the organization I've been to Uganda with both times. And so I spent a weekend in Nashville learning how to lead a mission team! I was SO, SO excited about the training, and I told the Mister before I left, "You know I'm coming home with a trip on the calendar, right?"

V.O. staff and brand new leaders

The weekend was fabulous and amazing and exciting and fun and.....and.....and I came home with no trip scheduled. You see, all the 2013 trips already have leaders, and they aren't scheduling trips for 2014 yet. And so, I got to come back home and.....wait.

And finally - finally - I gave up. That was it. That was the straw that broke....well....me. I gave in. And through tears, I surrendered my heart to God's plan. Through tears, I told Him, "I lay it all down. Whatever You want, I choose You. Fill my heart with a desire for nothing else other than to follow You and obey You."

I made a list. "God, I am laying down:
-Uganda
-going there with my family
-Canaan's
-leading a trip
-seeing Christopher again
-Ebenezer
-Sixty Feet
....and even if I never get to go back to Uganda again, I choose You."

To be continued....

Busy waiting.

A few years ago, seemingly out of the blue, I started hearing God whisper to me over and over and over, “Do Something”. Everywhere I turned, it seemed like every blog post, every email, every sermon repeated the message DO SOMETHING. Even an investing seminar The Mister and I went to. Honestly, it got a little comical.

And so, after much praying and seeking and praying some more, I did something. Something that changed my heart forever. I went to Africa. Twice.

And when I came home from Africa, the DOING changed to WAITING.

And now, for the past few months, I’ve been hearing God whisper to me over and over and over, “Wait and pray”. Everywhere I turn, it seems like every blog post, every email, every sermon repeats the message WAIT AND PRAY.

And so I'm waiting.  And praying.  And still waiting.

And not only have I been receiving the message to WAIT loud and clear - everywhere I turn - but God in His grace has even recently led me to this video clip by Steven Furtick (remember how much I love him?) about what waiting is, and this blog post about what waiting is not (even though it was written about a different kind of "waiting".  *ahem*). God is so cool.

And so, while I wait, I’ve been researching a few options of things I can do to be active in my waiting. I’ve been trying to be in the Word more. Which – let me just admit right now – I’m not very consistent with. But I’m working on it.

And I’ve also been planning a trip for our family to go see this movie premiere in Springfield, Missouri, in two weeks….which I could. not. be. more. excited. about. The movie was filmed and produced by a Visiting Orphans team that went to Africa right after my trip last year. Their purpose is to encourage men to become involved in missions, because something like 85% of the people on short-term mission teams are women.  (Watch the trailer here.  No really.  Please, go watch it.  The man speaking in the video is Roger Gibson, husband of my awesome team leader, Kari!)

There are several twisting, intertwined links between this team and the two teams I’ve traveled with. First, the two leaders of my team this year are married to the two men who led the first Man Up and Go team, and they’re all good friends with the film maker and his wife. Some of the people from the original MU&G team – or their spouses – were on my team this year. (And, guess who else was on that MU&G team? Ever heard of these guys?)

Anyway, let me just tell you right now, I am expecting God to do BIG things through this movie premiere!! BIG things….HUGE….in the hearts of my husband and myself and my children. I am praying for it with all my heart. That our hearts will be open and READY to receive ALL that God has for us during that weekend. That our hearts will be broken for the things that break His. That our eyes will be wide open and we will receive His vision for our family.

Will you please pray with me?

While I wait.

Just a small sampling of one of the many many ways God has sweetly and faithfully reminded me over and over again during the past few weeks that I am indeed exactly where I'm supposed to be right now....waiting on Him.

"Demonstrate your trust in Me by sitting quietly in My presence.  Put aside all that is waiting to be done, and refuse to worry about anything.  This sacred time together strengthens you and prepares you to face whatever the day will bring.  By waiting with Me before you begin the day's activities, you proclaim the reality of My living presence.  This act of faith - waiting before working - is noted in the spirit world, where your demonstration of trust weakens principalities and powers of darkness.

The most effective way to resist evil is to draw near Me.  When you need to take action, I will guide you clearly through My Spirit and My Word.  The world is so complex and overstimulating that you can easily lose your sense of direction.  Doing countless unnecessary activities will dissipate your energy.  When you spend time with Me, I restore your sense of direction.  As you look to Me for guidance, I enable you to do less but accomlish more."

~ Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, August 29 entry

Still waiting.

Y’all.

So….yeah.  After last week’s post that was all, “Ooolala, I feel so much better, I heard from God, yada yada yada,” today I woke up in a mood.  A mood, I tell you. A mood to not believe any of it for a single minute. Because that’s how I roll.

1. Get desperate about something. Anything. Everything.
2. Receive a wonderful, encouraging word from God.
3. Feel better.
4. Rest in His peace for about 3 minutes.
5. Start to doubt myself.
6. Start to doubt God.
7. Decide I never heard from Him in the first place and I made it all up.
8. Eat seven miniature York Peppermint Patties. Or Kit-Kats. Or both.

Ok, so I only had five. But still.

When? When does this crazy cycle end?

And why? Why is God so patient and merciful with me?

This morning I had to walk a couple of blocks over to the hospital for my annual employee health screen. On the way there I had a melt-down with God about – well, everything. On the way back I said I was sorry and that really I’m thankful.

And then later, in the span of just a couple of hours, I read this on The Ruined Life blog (shared with permission):

"We've had strong desires for a life in missions but beyond going on a few trips to Africa we have effected very little movement towards that end. I have often wondered why our move into missions/God's vision for our life was moving so interminably slow, why after two years we still don't know exactly what or how He would like for us to carry out the Great Commission - at this point I'd even settle for a vague idea.

And then today I had a duh-slap-yourself-in-the-head revelation.

We have been so focused on things that we should be DOING for God that we have completely neglected relationship. God cares very little for how much we DO. He wants a relationship with us. Not just a "see Ya on Sunday" relationship, but daily seeking Him out. Not just when we need direction or healing, but seek Him out as much as we seek time on Facebook, eating comfort foods, watching movies. We've tried to skip the disciplined parts of relationship (prayer and study of the written words of God) in hopes of going straight to part of relationship that offers immediate good feelings and feedback, but let's face it, it's just emptiness without real fellowship.

So the vision for our family, [will] come out of our relationship with Him. Until then we are just doing stuff. Clanging cymbal kind of stuff.
Spinning our wheels.
Going nowhere.

As we press into Him, discipline our minds to study and our hearts to prayer, He will reveal desires and orchestrate opportunities, provide motivation, increase passion, impart boldness, give vision, etc.

Proverbs 2:4 If you seek it like silver and search for it like hidden treasures...

May just as well have said, "If I will seek it like time on fb and search for it like a snicker bar".

Casually seeking and accidentally running into God will not get us to our purpose, but rather purposeful, deliberate pursuit, irregardless of how uninteresting or boring it seems at the moment - create taste, desire, passion, boldness for Him by spending deliberate time with Him." (all emphasis mine)


I could have totally written that.  In fact, I think I have to some degree.
And then I read this on Ann Voskamp’s A Holy Experience:

No matter what the hands claim is the work, prayer IS the work, and the only work that will outlast fire.

Which reminded me of the EXACT SAME QUOTE in the Kelly Minter Bible study I’m doing right now, Nehemiah-A Heart that can Break.....prayer IS the work.


And then I read this in an email from Steven Furtick:

“If you’ve been a Christian for any amount of time, you’ve more than likely found yourself asking the question, “What does God want to do through my life?” Often times, the answer to that question can be found within the answer to another question – “What makes you miserable?” While that seems to be an unlikely place to start, many times it is in our misery where God chooses to speak to us.”

And what makes me more miserable than W-A-I-T-I-N-G???

So there you have it.

Back to step 2 of the process.  Our kind and patient God - not on account of any merit of my own, but only on account of His great compassion (Daniel 9:18) - speaks yet another encouraging word. The same word.  “No, you didn’t make this up. I really told you to be still and wait and pray. So get busy.”

Hmpf.

A new season.

This is not at all the blog post I sat down to write today. I fully intended to just pop in, say hi, give a little update about what's been going on around here lately, tell you how I almost killed Jacob's fish today when I DROPPED IT DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL, and maybe post a picture or two (not of the fish). But, well, this is what came flowing out of my fingertips....

It's been quiet here around the ol' blog lately. Not a lot going on. I've been laying low, taking some time off to think, reflect, contemplate, pray.

Coming home from Africa nearly did me in this year. Last year was hard. But this year? Just about ate my lunch. And dinner. I was overwhelmed in a way I’ve never experienced before and didn't know how to process.... wanting to be back there, missing Christopher until my heart ached, insanely homesick for a place that is not my home. I was going through the motions of everyday life, but my heart was not functioning. I felt horribly, horribly sad every waking moment of the day. And I didn't know what to do about it.

Uganda was the first thought on my mind every morning and the last thought on my mind every night. I was obsessed, I tell you. I prayed constantly, feverishly - for George, for Christopher, for Pastor Samuel. I cried and pleaded with the Lord over and over, "What am I supposed to do now? Show me what to DO. I don't know what to DO." After more than two years of hearing God say to me, "Do Something," the sheer panic of not knowing what to DO with all those emotions was really about to make me crazy.

What do I DO?

And then one day we all decided to go get ice cream. (Nice segue, huh? The next sentence should be “The End”.)

I was standing at the counter waiting for the lady to process my debit card, and I looked over to my left, and there taped to the ice cream case was a post card. On the post card was this verse:

Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you...

and pray to the Lord on its behalf,

for in its welfare you will have welfare. Jer. 29:7

Um.  Wow.

That was it. I heard God saying, “This is your something to do. Pray.” Do you know how hard it is to pray when you want to DO? I’m not very good at it.

And because I’m not very good at it, although I kept on praying, I also kept on asking, “But what am I supposed to DO?” Sheesh, I’m slow.

I was so desperate to hear something from God that I started asking Him to please speak to me through someone else. I said, “I know You speak through Your word, and I know You whisper in my heart, but I could totally make up either one of those things. Would You please speak to me through someone else?”

Truth be told, I only 1/2 expected Him to answer. Maybe 1/3.

Fast forward to church this past Sunday. In our Sunday School class we’re doing a video series right now, and after the video we always break up into groups of 2 or 3 to pray. I got paired up with an amazing woman named Moray. (I don’t know how to spell her name, but when she introduced herself she said, “I’m Moray – like the eel.” :) )

I was wearing this beauty, which I wear almost every day:

…and Moray said, “Tell me about Africa.” Ha! She didn’t know what she was getting herself into! ;)

As I began to share my (condensed) story, she seemed enraptured and kept saying things like, “Oh, Valerie! That’s amazing! Wow!” All the things a story-teller wants to hear. :)

When I finished my story, I said, “And so….I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now!”

And she said (dramatic pause for effect).....

“Well. That’s all the more reason to be in the Word. This is a time of learning, a time of studying and growing, a time of stretching so that you will be ready when God reveals His plan to you.”

Now, I know to you those just seem like sound words of wisdom. But to me, they sounded like the voice of God granting my request for Him to speak to me through someone else. A reconfirming that what I'm supposed to be DOing right now is waiting....and praying.  Being still and knowing that He is God.  I’ve felt so much more at peace since then. Not completely – but much more than before.

This is uncharted territory for me. A new season. Never before can I remember ever being in a time of purposeful, intentional waiting before the Lord. Before now, “waiting” has always consisted of me impatiently standing around, tapping my foot, waiting for God to “do His thang.” Like a kid waiting for you to finish doing the dishes so you can take him to the park. “Is it time yet? Now? Now is it time? Are you done yet? Can we go now?”

For the first time (ever?), I’m choosing to sit, and be quiet, and be still, and listen, and learn…..and wait.

And it’s hard.

Because instead of, “I’m listening, Lord,” what I really want to say is, “Can we go now?”

I just know there's more.

I'm sitting here staring at the blinking curser on my screen, knowing that there is so much more to write about my time in Africa, and not even knowing where to begin.  I went back and read my posts from last year, and now I know why I never finished writing about that trip.  I just. don't. know. what to say.

It's next to impossible (for a non-writer like me) to put into words the things you do and see and experience and feel when you visit a third-world country like Ethiopia or Uganda (or any other).  I sit and I ponder, and I pray, and I wonder what in the world I'm supposed to do now.  And putting it all into words?  I just don't know how.


Chuko Weyama, Ethiopia



(through the bus window :))

I've read several blog posts over the past few days, written by my fellow teammates about their experiences during our trip, and they are all so eloquent!  Perfectly describing not just the facts, but their thoughts, feelings, and impressions about all that we saw.  Me?  Eloquent isn't on my resume.

This beautiful little girl was asking for money as we were loading the bus. :(

And this precious little boy's grandmother asked me
to take him back to America with me. :(

I can do the facts pretty well - after all, I'm a detail girl - but I think last year I over-explained every little FACT because I just couldn't express the emotions that went along with them.  I can't even explain what I'm feeling to my own self.  How can I possibly write it out here?

But here's the thing I do know.  Uganda is huge....HUGE....gigantic....in my heart.  I've known that for a year now, but it kinda tends to fade with the passing of time, you know?  You get busy with life - work, school, PTA, soccer, ballet, church, boy scouts, bills, laundry, grocery shopping, blah blah blah - and somehow the passions of your heart, when you're distracted with the cares of day-to-day life, get pushed to the back burner and start to fade a little.

We were so honored to get to help serve lunch to the beautiful children at Return Ministries!

So after spending the first week of our trip in Ethiopia, I was not in ANY way expecting the tidal wave of emotion that swept over me when our plane landed in Uganda.  Before we even touched down the tears started flowing, and I cried until I had to pull myself together to get off the plane.  What in the world?  What was that all about? 

It was overwhelming, unexpected love.  A love that could only come straight from the heart and plan of God.  A love for this amazing country and its beautiful people.  A love I can't begin to explain, didn't expect or seek out, and don't know what to do with now that I'm home.

Children living near Kampala, Uganda.

Actually, my heart is swimming in a battery of different emotions, and really, I don't know what to do with ANY of them.  I'm....
sad - because I'm not there and I don't know when I'll get to go back. 
homesick - for a place that's not my home. 
longing - to know what's going on in the lives of the people I came to love there. 
confused - about where I go from here and what I'm supposed to do now. 
anxious - for my family to share this love and passion.
frustrated - over all of the above.

My sweet friend Ashley (thank you, friend) told me, "As hard as it is, I know Jesus is speaking to you through your passion, pain and ache for Uganda.  Listen to the ache and you will hear Him."  Oh, how I love that!  It's so hard - and so counterintuitive - and so RIGHT.  Because to "listen to the ache" you have to sit in it for a while.  And be still.  And wait.  And listen.  And who wants to do that?  Not this girl!

I want ANSWERS!

I want DIRECTION!

I want a PURPOSE!

But....listening to the ache?  On one hand, it sounds so depressing.  But on this other hand over here, I just know that it's right. 

"Be still and know that I am God."  Ps. 46:10

"The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by."  Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a still small voice." 1 Kings 19:11-12

And oddly enough, it feels right, too.  Because what else am I gonna do with this ache in my heart?  Wallow in it?  Pretend it's not there?  Ignore it until it fades away like last year's passion?  No.  I want to be still, and wait, and listen to the ache until I hear Him tell me what it means.
 
Because I just know there's more.