TMI - Honesty in all its ugliness - the not-conclusion.

I’ve been pondering how to wrap up this little mini-series I started a couple of weeks ago. I’m starting to realize that “conclusion coming soon” was a lie. Because the conclusion isn’t here yet, and I’m not really sure when it’s coming. 

I’ve realized that just realizing where you’ve been doesn’t get you out of where you’ve been. I think realizing it is half the battle. But then there’s that other half….  And I’m not sure how to get out of where I’ve been. 

You know that story in John chapter 5 about the man Jesus encountered at the Pool of Bethesda? 

“Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda, and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’” John 5:1-6 

Why do you think Jesus asked him if he wanted to get well? Doesn’t that seem like a silly question? We think, “Of course he wanted to get well!” But you know what? It’s not a silly question. Some people don’t want to get well. Sometimes it’s so much easier just to stay where we are – even if it’s hard and painful. Sometimes familiar pain is easier than change. 

Well, I want to get well. 

I’m not sure exactly what happened last summer. I think something in my heart just snapped from the overwhelming-ness of coming back from Africa a second time, and when I just couldn’t take it anymore, Jesus offered me a reprieve from the weight of it all. Except I took that reprieve as being enough and decided I could just live there. Except I don’t want to anymore. 

So now here I am. Not sure where I’m going, but knowing where I’ve been living the past year, and knowing I don’t want to stay there. I want to be well. Does anyone remember those old cassette tape players – the kind that when you pressed the “pause” button, it would stay down? And then when you pressed the button again, it would pop back up and the tape would continue playing. It’s kind of like I pushed the pause button on my life, and it’s been stuck in the “down” position for a year, and now I’m ready to press the button again for it to pop back up and life to continue. I know I won’t be picking up right where I left off like a cassette tape would, but I’m ready to pick up and move on, nonetheless. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Yes, Jesus, I want to get well.

TMI: Honesty in all its ugliness - part 2.

Once I was finally able to come up for air, I think my thoughts were something along the lines of, "Whew! Man, that was a rough season! Thank You, Jesus, for rescuing me out of that. Glad that’s over." But my eyes were still full of sand, and my clothes were still wet and ragged, and I was so relieved at not drowning, that I didn't even realize I was still a mess. I just continued stumbling around in the dark for....oh, I don't know....the last year.

Because you say, “I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,” and you do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked. Rev. 3:17

Added on top of all the emotional mess I was in, watching so many of my friends and former teammates move on into lives of service and purpose and passion – adopting, raising money to support ministries, traveling on and leading mission trips – while I was still struggling to catch my breath, well, it left me a little….ok, jealous.

And jealousy is an enemy to your soul. It hold its hands over the eyes of your heart and leaves you walking along in darkness when you don't even know it.  It was blindness on top of blindness.

Then sometime this past spring, I began to notice a few things. Things like....we hadn't taken the kids on kid dates in forever and I hadn't even realized it. Like, we hadn't done family nights in months and I didn't even have the energy to care. Like, I had lost contact with many of my friends except for an occasional text every couple of months or so.

Slowly, slowly I began to realize I’d been living life in a daze.  At first I wasn’t sure what had happened or why.  What was it that had caused me to be sleepwalking through my life?  I actually don't think it was until I started working on this post that I finally started to see what had happened.  

The nearest I can figure is that I never let Jesus completely heal my heart from the wreckage that happened last summer when I left Uganda.

A couple of weeks ago, I read this on Shaun Groves’ blog.  Shaun is the leader – director? developer? – of Compassion Bloggers. Two to three times a year, he leads a group of bloggers on trips with Compassion International to raise awareness about what Compassion does.

"On the last night of every Compassion Bloggers trip we sit around a table together and talk about how to go back home. Because re-entry is a peculiar and scary thing. We talk about the myriad responses we may have when we get there. There’s no telling what’s going to happen when a person goes from slum to Super Target.

Some people are numb, unable to feel anything.
Some are battered by guilt and embarrassment over how easy their life is.
Some feel inexplicably sad, over nothing…or everything.
Some lose their drive and ambition entirely and quit blogging.
Some get angry.

And, I tell the bloggers, some people experience all of this in one afternoon!
No matter what you feel, I tell them, it’s normal. You’re not the only one."

Ahh….finally, there it was! THIS is what had been wrong with me!  Not only had I experienced pretty much "all of this in one afternoon", I had continued to experience all of it for an ENTIRE YEAR.  And I didn't know what to do with all of it.  I didn't know how to process it.  So instead of working through it with Jesus the way I should have, sub-consciously I just pulled myself into a cocoon, and I hid as best I could.

I distinctly remember, when the waves of sadness would start to engulf me, I would say to myself, "It's ok.  It's ok.  I can do this." - meaning "It's ok that I feel this way.  It's normal, and I'll be fine."  Umm, yes, it's ok to feel that way.  It's not ok to stay that way.  And the only way I could be fine was to let Jesus heal me.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not LET yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Gal. 5:1

When Jesus reached down and rescued me from that oppressive weight that I thought was going to suffocate me, I didn’t realize that I needed to continue pressing hard into Him in order to not LET myself continue to be burdened by the YOKE OF SLAVERY that still had its clutches around me.

Did you know you can LET yourself be burdened by a yoke of slavery?  Caught in a stronghold?  Even after Jesus died to set you free?  Yep.  Jesus has provided us the victory, but just like salvation, it's up to us to choose it.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.  {YOU} Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil." Eph. 6:10-11

Sheesh, y'all.  I know this stuff.  I've done Beth's Moore's Breaking Free.  I've done Believing God.  Twice.  I've filled one index card spiral after another after another with scripture.  I've quoted it and prayed it and memorized it.  I KNOW how to stand firm against the yoke of slavery, against strongholds, against the schemes of the devil.  I KNOW how to put on the full armor of God....His truth, His righteousness, the shield of faith, and the sword of the Spirit (His WORD).  

But man, Satan is so devious.  I totally expected the struggle of coming back from Africa.  I expected the sadness, the guilt, the anger and frustration.  And because I expected it, I accepted it.  I just laid right down and LET that yoke wrap itself right around my heart and mind.

*sigh*

....conclusion coming soon

TMI: Honesty in all its ugliness - part 1.

I didn't actually mean to stop blogging. Not really.

I kept meaning to get back to it, and every couple of weeks or so I'd think, "Man, I really need to catch up on my blog." But then somehow I just never did.

So much life has happened during the past year that I never got around to documenting (or only did so minimally). Our sweet Kloe turned 12. Her last year as a pre-teen. And I was mentally absent for much of it (more about that later).

I resigned from PTA – a big change for me after 5½ years (I’ve actually accepted a new position for this coming school year, though). We got a new (used) minivan. I miss the Expedition terribly, but you know, we have to eat. :)

Our sweet Annie died last August, and we brought home a new puppy in January. Also in January, I was asked to speak during a local Christian schools’ chapel time about my mission trips. Wow, that was an amazing experience!

February was a big month. Jacob turned 10. Double digits. Did I even post a blog about that? I don’t think so. I started having some issues with my hip that still aren’t resolved. I got my braces off (yay!), had a minor procedure done on my foot that left me hobbling around in a “shoe” (you know the kind) for two weeks, and we had TWO school snow days in a row! I also went to Nashville for leadership training with Visiting Orphans, the organization I have traveled to Africa with the past two summers.

Other things I missed? Kloe’s first overnight band trip (I actually went on the trip as a chaperone, but you know….mentally absent), her first band UIL contest, her first major ballet production, Passover, my mom’s birthday, Jacob’s school field trip….and the list goes on.

It's been such a strange season for me this past year. If anybody's still hanging around here who was with me back when I came home from Uganda last summer, you may remember what a hard time I had transitioning back into "normal" life. I really thought I was gonna go under there for a while. And then one day, through God's abundant mercy and kindness, He pulled me up out of the pit and set my feet back on some semi-solid ground. After weeks of feeling like I was suffocating to death, at last I could finally breathe again.

The Nile River

Funny thing, though. I came up out of the pit....but I never really came out of the fog. I felt such relief at finally being able to just get through my day without breaking down in tears....at being able to take a breath without feeling like there was an elephant sitting on my chest - on my heart - that I didn't realize I was still wandering around in the dark.

It was kind of like Jesus, in all of His great mercy, reached down into the raging waters that were threatening to drown me, grabbed my hand, and pulled me up onto a sand bar. As I lay there gasping for air, so grateful that I wasn't having to struggle for every breath, so thankful for some solid ground under my hands and knees, I never bothered to look around me and realize that I was still standing in the middle of the ocean, surrounded on every side by waves and emptiness.

I was still LOST, but I didn't know it. So I didn't bother trying to get found.

...to be continued

The rest of the story.

When I told God I was surrendering all my hopes and dreams to Him, of course, in the back of my mind were all those stories you hear about people who say the minute they surrendered their dreams to God, He did something beyond anything they could ever have imagined.  And I tried so very hard not to let those thoughts stay in my head, because if I let myself think that was going to happen to me, well then I wouldn't really be giving up control, would I?  That would be trying to manipulate God, and of course that can never lead to anything but disaster.

I tried really hard.  And every time those kinds of thoughts would try to sneak into my mind, I would repeat over and over, "I surrender to You, God.  I lay it all down.  Whatever You want.  I choose You."

I wrote that list (in the last post) in my journal last Tuesday, March 5.  And on that Thursday I posted the following on Facebook:

"Received this Feb 16 edition of Jesus Calling in my email inbox this week:
THANK ME for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again....Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My Presence with you. Do not despise these simple ways of serving Me. Although you feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in spiritual realms.

Then heard this song on the radio this morning:
I've had all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold, and I don't know why.
I got a front row seat to the longest wait
And I just can't see past the things I pray today.
But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel deep in my heart grows strangely dim
All my worries fade and fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face and don't look around
Any place I'm in grows strangely dim

And this pic in my email today - think God is trying to tell me something?"

{Habakkuk 2:3 says, "For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail.  Though it tarries, WAIT for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay."}

Yes, God, I hear You.

I'm waiting.

I'm surrendering.

I'm giving up and trusting You.

And on Friday, I received the following email from the Uganda trip coordinator at VO:

"Hello Valerie and Amanda (it was sent to me and a sweet friend that I went to training with, who I met on my first trip to Uganda), this is S__ from VO. I hope you guys enjoyed the training we just finished.  I just wanted to throw this out to both of you as an option - we're starting to put multiple co-leaders on trips if possible, and there's a Uganda trip that I'll be putting on the calendar that will be December 27-January 7.  If you both would like to be co-leaders on this trip, that would be great.  If only one of you wants to, that will work as well.  I just wanted to give you both the opportunity to do this since you're friends.  Let me know if you'd like to co-lead and I'll put you down for it and get the trip on the calendar. Thanks!"

And there you have it.

Just like that, the wait is over.  I'm going back to Uganda!!

Hello? Is this thing on? (the story of me and where I'm at)

So, it's been pretty quiet here around the ol' blog lately. For quite a while actually. Not much going on. Not much to say about what's going on. Kinda been in my own little world for these past few months. Ruminating. Pondering. Waiting....

and waiting....


and waiting....


I've spent a lot of time in prayer. Not nearly as much as I should have probably, but a lot.

Lots of time reading. Getting the message loud and clear -- Wait.

And pray.

And then....keep waiting.

In case you're wondering exactly what it is I've been waiting ON, well, I'm kind of wondering that myself.

You see, a few years ago God began telling me to DO SOMETHING, do something, do something - and it took me the longest time to figure out what it was I was supposed to be DOING. And finally, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I went on a mission trip to Uganda. Two trips, actually.

When I came home from my first trip two summers ago, I immediately turned right around and signed up to go back again the next summer (which is now last summer). But when I got home from that second trip, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to DO next. My heart was both broken for and in love with the country of Uganda and its people, and I fully expected to come home to some huge revelation from God about what was next on the agenda for me and Uganda.

And there was nothing. Crickets.

I was more burdened and confused than I think I may ever have been before in my life, and I didn't know what to do about it.

And when I asked God what to DO, He said, "Wait."

And I said, "Ok, what do I DO while I'm waiting?"

And He said, "Pray."

Um. Ok. What exactly am I waiting and praying FOR?

And so while I waited to hear what God wanted me to DO, I prayed. I prayed that I would be willing to WAIT (are you seeing the vicious circle here?) I prayed that my heart would be changed. I prayed that I would learn to totally and completely surrender to God's plan. I prayed for the nation of Uganda, and for Christopher, and for George, and for all the friends I had made while I was there. I prayed for their ministries, and I prayed that God would let me go back there again someday. And then I prayed some more that I would be willing to surrender to God's plan. :) I prayed for my heart and my husband's heart and my children's hearts. I prayed. And I waited.  And I prayed some more.

While I waited I made some wooden letters, and I sold some jewelry, and I had an auction, all to raise money for one of the ministries I love in Uganda. Just to have something to DO. I wrote letters pouring out my love to my sweet Christopher. I kept up with Ugandan friends on Facebook and tried oh so hard not to be envious of former teammates who were already back there or planning their returns.....while I waited.

And then at last, in February - something to DO!

After much PRAYER, I felt like God was giving me the go-ahead to go to Team Leader Training with Visiting Orphans - the organization I've been to Uganda with both times. And so I spent a weekend in Nashville learning how to lead a mission team! I was SO, SO excited about the training, and I told the Mister before I left, "You know I'm coming home with a trip on the calendar, right?"

V.O. staff and brand new leaders

The weekend was fabulous and amazing and exciting and fun and.....and.....and I came home with no trip scheduled. You see, all the 2013 trips already have leaders, and they aren't scheduling trips for 2014 yet. And so, I got to come back home and.....wait.

And finally - finally - I gave up. That was it. That was the straw that broke....well....me. I gave in. And through tears, I surrendered my heart to God's plan. Through tears, I told Him, "I lay it all down. Whatever You want, I choose You. Fill my heart with a desire for nothing else other than to follow You and obey You."

I made a list. "God, I am laying down:
-Uganda
-going there with my family
-Canaan's
-leading a trip
-seeing Christopher again
-Ebenezer
-Sixty Feet
....and even if I never get to go back to Uganda again, I choose You."

To be continued....

Busy waiting.

A few years ago, seemingly out of the blue, I started hearing God whisper to me over and over and over, “Do Something”. Everywhere I turned, it seemed like every blog post, every email, every sermon repeated the message DO SOMETHING. Even an investing seminar The Mister and I went to. Honestly, it got a little comical.

And so, after much praying and seeking and praying some more, I did something. Something that changed my heart forever. I went to Africa. Twice.

And when I came home from Africa, the DOING changed to WAITING.

And now, for the past few months, I’ve been hearing God whisper to me over and over and over, “Wait and pray”. Everywhere I turn, it seems like every blog post, every email, every sermon repeats the message WAIT AND PRAY.

And so I'm waiting.  And praying.  And still waiting.

And not only have I been receiving the message to WAIT loud and clear - everywhere I turn - but God in His grace has even recently led me to this video clip by Steven Furtick (remember how much I love him?) about what waiting is, and this blog post about what waiting is not (even though it was written about a different kind of "waiting".  *ahem*). God is so cool.

And so, while I wait, I’ve been researching a few options of things I can do to be active in my waiting. I’ve been trying to be in the Word more. Which – let me just admit right now – I’m not very consistent with. But I’m working on it.

And I’ve also been planning a trip for our family to go see this movie premiere in Springfield, Missouri, in two weeks….which I could. not. be. more. excited. about. The movie was filmed and produced by a Visiting Orphans team that went to Africa right after my trip last year. Their purpose is to encourage men to become involved in missions, because something like 85% of the people on short-term mission teams are women.  (Watch the trailer here.  No really.  Please, go watch it.  The man speaking in the video is Roger Gibson, husband of my awesome team leader, Kari!)

There are several twisting, intertwined links between this team and the two teams I’ve traveled with. First, the two leaders of my team this year are married to the two men who led the first Man Up and Go team, and they’re all good friends with the film maker and his wife. Some of the people from the original MU&G team – or their spouses – were on my team this year. (And, guess who else was on that MU&G team? Ever heard of these guys?)

Anyway, let me just tell you right now, I am expecting God to do BIG things through this movie premiere!! BIG things….HUGE….in the hearts of my husband and myself and my children. I am praying for it with all my heart. That our hearts will be open and READY to receive ALL that God has for us during that weekend. That our hearts will be broken for the things that break His. That our eyes will be wide open and we will receive His vision for our family.

Will you please pray with me?

While I wait.

Just a small sampling of one of the many many ways God has sweetly and faithfully reminded me over and over again during the past few weeks that I am indeed exactly where I'm supposed to be right now....waiting on Him.

"Demonstrate your trust in Me by sitting quietly in My presence.  Put aside all that is waiting to be done, and refuse to worry about anything.  This sacred time together strengthens you and prepares you to face whatever the day will bring.  By waiting with Me before you begin the day's activities, you proclaim the reality of My living presence.  This act of faith - waiting before working - is noted in the spirit world, where your demonstration of trust weakens principalities and powers of darkness.

The most effective way to resist evil is to draw near Me.  When you need to take action, I will guide you clearly through My Spirit and My Word.  The world is so complex and overstimulating that you can easily lose your sense of direction.  Doing countless unnecessary activities will dissipate your energy.  When you spend time with Me, I restore your sense of direction.  As you look to Me for guidance, I enable you to do less but accomlish more."

~ Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, August 29 entry

A new season.

This is not at all the blog post I sat down to write today. I fully intended to just pop in, say hi, give a little update about what's been going on around here lately, tell you how I almost killed Jacob's fish today when I DROPPED IT DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL, and maybe post a picture or two (not of the fish). But, well, this is what came flowing out of my fingertips....

It's been quiet here around the ol' blog lately. Not a lot going on. I've been laying low, taking some time off to think, reflect, contemplate, pray.

Coming home from Africa nearly did me in this year. Last year was hard. But this year? Just about ate my lunch. And dinner. I was overwhelmed in a way I’ve never experienced before and didn't know how to process.... wanting to be back there, missing Christopher until my heart ached, insanely homesick for a place that is not my home. I was going through the motions of everyday life, but my heart was not functioning. I felt horribly, horribly sad every waking moment of the day. And I didn't know what to do about it.

Uganda was the first thought on my mind every morning and the last thought on my mind every night. I was obsessed, I tell you. I prayed constantly, feverishly - for George, for Christopher, for Pastor Samuel. I cried and pleaded with the Lord over and over, "What am I supposed to do now? Show me what to DO. I don't know what to DO." After more than two years of hearing God say to me, "Do Something," the sheer panic of not knowing what to DO with all those emotions was really about to make me crazy.

What do I DO?

And then one day we all decided to go get ice cream. (Nice segue, huh? The next sentence should be “The End”.)

I was standing at the counter waiting for the lady to process my debit card, and I looked over to my left, and there taped to the ice cream case was a post card. On the post card was this verse:

Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you...

and pray to the Lord on its behalf,

for in its welfare you will have welfare. Jer. 29:7

Um.  Wow.

That was it. I heard God saying, “This is your something to do. Pray.” Do you know how hard it is to pray when you want to DO? I’m not very good at it.

And because I’m not very good at it, although I kept on praying, I also kept on asking, “But what am I supposed to DO?” Sheesh, I’m slow.

I was so desperate to hear something from God that I started asking Him to please speak to me through someone else. I said, “I know You speak through Your word, and I know You whisper in my heart, but I could totally make up either one of those things. Would You please speak to me through someone else?”

Truth be told, I only 1/2 expected Him to answer. Maybe 1/3.

Fast forward to church this past Sunday. In our Sunday School class we’re doing a video series right now, and after the video we always break up into groups of 2 or 3 to pray. I got paired up with an amazing woman named Moray. (I don’t know how to spell her name, but when she introduced herself she said, “I’m Moray – like the eel.” :) )

I was wearing this beauty, which I wear almost every day:

…and Moray said, “Tell me about Africa.” Ha! She didn’t know what she was getting herself into! ;)

As I began to share my (condensed) story, she seemed enraptured and kept saying things like, “Oh, Valerie! That’s amazing! Wow!” All the things a story-teller wants to hear. :)

When I finished my story, I said, “And so….I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now!”

And she said (dramatic pause for effect).....

“Well. That’s all the more reason to be in the Word. This is a time of learning, a time of studying and growing, a time of stretching so that you will be ready when God reveals His plan to you.”

Now, I know to you those just seem like sound words of wisdom. But to me, they sounded like the voice of God granting my request for Him to speak to me through someone else. A reconfirming that what I'm supposed to be DOing right now is waiting....and praying.  Being still and knowing that He is God.  I’ve felt so much more at peace since then. Not completely – but much more than before.

This is uncharted territory for me. A new season. Never before can I remember ever being in a time of purposeful, intentional waiting before the Lord. Before now, “waiting” has always consisted of me impatiently standing around, tapping my foot, waiting for God to “do His thang.” Like a kid waiting for you to finish doing the dishes so you can take him to the park. “Is it time yet? Now? Now is it time? Are you done yet? Can we go now?”

For the first time (ever?), I’m choosing to sit, and be quiet, and be still, and listen, and learn…..and wait.

And it’s hard.

Because instead of, “I’m listening, Lord,” what I really want to say is, “Can we go now?”

And then it was over. Or not.

Apparently it's harder to blog from Africa than I thought it would be. :)

Not just because of the time constraints - we were on the go every day from breakfast through late dinners - but also because of the sheer overwhelmingness of what we saw and did every day.  Where do you even start?  It's like coming home and having someone ask "How was your trip?"  There's just no easy response.

Good?  Amazing?  Incredible.  Overwhelming.

Life changing.

Sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean.

How many things in life can we say truly are Life Changing?  Meaning, they truly, literally CHANGE your very life?

Remember my New Year's Quest to Be Different?  I pray with all my heart that the last two summers I spent in Africa will absolutely CHANGE the way I live my life.  Because it needs to be changed.  I don't for one single second believe God allowed me to go on these two incredible journeys so that I could come home and say, "Wow, that was amazing," and go back to life as usual.  What would be the point in that?

I don't know what that means, or what it looks like, or what it will entail going forward, but I'm going to be praying for it with all my heart.  Because I want to be different.  And I want my family to be different.  And I want us to MAKE a difference.

And so.  With that, let's talk about Africa. ;)

Airport in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia

Day two of our adventure (see day one in the previous post) was supposed to be THE BIG DAY, when we would visit a leper village near Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, called Korah, as well as a community that was literally built on top of the trash dump.

Look at this picture below.  Do you see the people there?  Those people don't VISIT the dump every day to dig through the trash.....they LIVE there.  Are you getting this?  They LIVE in little shacks and shanties that they have built from pieces of tin and cardboard - right. on. top. of. the. trash. dump. (oh, and all those flecks you see in the sky?  vultures.)

They live there every single minute of every single day.  Their children are born there.  They scrounge through the GARBAGE to find food to feed their families.  Truly....truly....stop and think about that existence for a minute.  Your family.  Your children.  THIS is why we can't go on living our lives blind to the rest of the world.

The government of Addis has recently closed the trash dump to groups (gee, I wonder why), and so we weren't allowed to visit the villagers who live there.  We were, however, able to visit Korah, which began as a leper colony right next to the trash dump.  About 75 years ago, the government established Korah as a "throw-away" village, where lepers were cast out of the city to live in seclusion....exactly like in Bible times. 

Today there are thousands of people who live in Korah (the last estimate I read was 130,000), and they are considered the lowest of the low.  They are so "forgotten", in fact, that many people in the capital city of Addis Ababa - of which Korah is a part, a burrough, if you will - don't even know it EXISTS.

The children coming to greet us! :)

Let me tell you a story about one of the children of Korah.  His name is Sammy.  Both of Sammy's parents were lepers.  His father eventually died of leprosy, leaving Sammy alone in Korah with his mother and sister.  When Sammy was about 12 (14?) years old, a Young Life team visited Korah, and Sammy met a man who took an interest in him, and through a series of events, eventually helped Sammy find Jesus, get out of Korah, and get an education.  [You can read more of Sammy's store here.]

Sammy has now returned to Korah, and he's making it his life's work to change the lives of the people who live there.  He has started a ministry called Great Hope, which has several arms under its canopy: a feeding program; a daycare where moms can leave their children while they work; a ministry called Mission Ethiopia, where the women of Korah make bead necklaces to sell and earn money; another ministry called Project 61 that secures sponsors for the children of Korah, whereby they can get out of the village and attend boarding school; and he's just now starting to build a coffee shop RIGHT IN THE VILLAGE, where visiting teams can buy coffee (brewed or unbrewed) to help support his other ministries.

And he's 26 years old.

THIS is someone whose life was changed, and who is doing the most he can to make a difference in the world.  A huge difference.  I am totally amazed at all he's doing with the opportunities God has given him.

Meet Sammy.  What an incredible (and handsome!) young man of God.

So...what did we do in Korah?

Walked.
Saw.
Played.
Loved.
Learned.
Changed.

We walked through a large portion of the village, playing with and loving on kids along the way, greeting the villagers with "Selam", which means, "Peace".  We touched and hugged and held hands with lepers - those who may not have felt the love of human touch in many, many years.  We had the humbling honor of being the hands of Jesus.

We watched women hand-spinning cotton into thread and then watched the men hand-loom the thread into fabric, creating with their hands the very sustenance of their lives.  I loved this.  Loved witnessing the way God has brought provision to this forgotten community and given them a means of supporting themselves and their families, when before there was no hope but what they could find on the dump.

We also had the opportunity to serve with our hands by painting three rooms of the building where the women of Mission Ethiopia make beads out of clay and paper, and then use those beads to make necklaces which, again, they can sell to provide income for their families.  A wholesome, alternative means of income.  Alternative to....the things they were forced to resort to before.

Spinning cotton into thread.

Weaving the thread into fabric.

One of the rooms we painted. :)

Making clay beads in their lovely new blue room!

And, maybe most importantly, we were changed.  Hopefully forever.  We learned that life is about so much more than anything we normally think about on a typical day in America.  We learned that following Jesus is about so much more than just dressing up for church and attending Bible study and picnics.  We saw with our own eyes what it means to BE the body of Christ.

Please, please take a few minutes to watch this video about Korah.  This isn't our team - but it will give you a very good idea about what Korah is like (and you'll see Sammy several times in the video as well! :)

And then take a minute and ask God what He wants you to do with what you've seen.  Share it?  Tell others?  Facebook?  Blog?  Sponsor a child?  Find other ministries to support and get involved with? 

Because I promise you, whether you get involved with Korah and Great Hope Ministry or not....I know God wants you - wants all of us - to do something.

Once our eyes are opened we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows we know and holds us responsible to act. Proverbs 24:12

And so it begins.

It started today.

I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t prepared. I’d forgotten. Took me totally by surprise. Right. Out. Of. Left. Field. as I sat at my desk at work.

And yet, by God’s amazing grace, He allowed me to recognize it almost immediately.

The Voice.

“You shouldn’t be going on this trip! What are you thinking?”

“You don’t belong with those people. They are GODLY people. UPRIGHT people. People who know what they’re doing. People who BELONG on this trip. People of WIDSOM. People who know when to keep their mouths shut….”

Knowing the source of The Voice….knowing its origin and purpose….knowing that it’s a liar….doesn’t stop the feelings. The heaviness. The tears. They rushed at me with a suddenness and intensity that just about knocked me down.

“You’re going to look like an idiot. They’re all going to wonder why you even came.”

A boss who was frustrated with me – and frustrating me . A co-worker who started more than one sentence today with “Well, I suggest you….” You know that tone. A day of especially wanting to be home with my kids. A husband who is courting a job I’m not sure is God’s will. The tiny little catches in your heart that build one on another on another, until all the sudden it’s perfect timing for that one thought - a memory of something I said on the trip last year that silenced the room.

And suddenly words like “stupid” and “idiot” – and even “stupid idiot” – fly at me and fill my mind out of nowhere.

For someone who’s struggled with self-image my whole life, it often only takes an instant. One comment leads to one thought, and WHAM. Actually, I didn’t really struggle with self-image – for most of my life I just laid down and let it beat me up. I didn’t know any better. But after spending many hours with a cup of coffee and Beth Moore, I slowly started recognizing the lies. And I learned how to fight them.

And let me tell you, you can’t fight the lies of the enemy with self-help books and positive thinking.

You fight LIES with TRUTH.

The truth of God’s Word.

“I am the way, the TRUTH, and the life…” John 14:6

This is what Beth taught me: You let that truth come out of your mouth, and you swing it like the sword that it is. "For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword" (Heb 4:12). "And take....the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." (Eph. 6:17) "Now I know that you are a man of God and that the word of the LORD in your mouth (notice it doesn't say in your heart) is truth.” 1 Kings 17:24 "Do not let this Book of the Law (which is the word of God) depart from your mouth" Josh 1:8 "With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak." 2 Cor 4:13

Satan is not omnicient. He can't read your mind, sister. He can PUT the thoughts there, but he can't hear your silent reply. And let me tell you, the longer I sat silent, the worse it got. But by God's grace He reminded me - OPEN YOUR MOUTH. And this....THIS is why we fill our minds with scripture. THIS is why we teach our kids memory verses. So that when the time comes - and it will - that the enemy is on the prowl (for your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8) you will have a weapon at the ready with which you can fight.

Some weapons like these:

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Ps. 139:14)

God demonstrated His own love for ME in this: While I was still a sinner, Christ died for ME. (Rom. 5:8)

But I have this treasure (the knowledge of God's glory) in THIS jar of clay.... (2 Cor. 4:7)

I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in ME; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved ME and gave Himself up for ME. (Gal. 2:20)

And how about this one:

For God so loved ME, that He gave His only begotten Son, so that I - who believe in Him - shall not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

So sharpen your swords, sisters. You never know when a surprise attack is coming. Be ready. And swing to kill.

My Hero.

On Friday.

I had planned to write a light-hearted Five for Friday post today.  I was going about my morning, emptying the dishwasher, watering the tulips, planning the five things for my post (because I'm actually off work today, gloria and hallelujah!), and then I sat down at my computer with my cup of coffee, opened my email, and read this post from Lara at To Overflowing.  And there went Five for Friday.

By God's divine non-coincidence, the kids and I have been reading Exodus chapters 11-13 this week in our morning devotions.  We started at Genesis 1:1 way back when and have been reading straight through, and this is where we are this week. :)

You friends who hang out around here know I'm not a great deep thinker.  I wish I were.  I pretend to be - ha!  But in fact, I'm not.  Not a deep thinker, not a deep, spiritual teacher, grasping or creating profound teaching moments for my kids.  And so I have to work with what I've got.  And one thing I've got is a great love for ceremony and ritual and tradition.  It sounds grand doesn't it? :)  Like I orchestrate great, moving traditions for our family.  Ha - not hardly!  But small, familiar traditions, yes.

So...Lara's post....Exodus chapters 11-13....and tradition.  Hmm.  Do those 3 things have anything in common at all?  Well, a little.  If you think creatively. :)

Because I love tradition, and because I tend to rely on rituals and ceremony to create those teachable  moments for my kids, we've been trying in our own little way to get ready for this Resurrection weekend by preparing our hearts and focusing on what it's all really about.  Not bunnies (though cute), not eggs (though so much fun - and YES, we will be coloring some tomorrow!), but Jesus.  Jesus who died.....died.....DIED so we - so I - wouldn't have to.  Because He loves me.  Because He longed for His creation to be redeemed. 

And so to try to remember that, we've been reading this week from Max Lucado's book, This is Love, and we've been reading the scripture passages that tell about what happened in Jesus' life between Palm Sunday and Good Friday (I've always thought it was so weird that that whole week usually gets left out of the story).

And tonight we will celebrate Passover.  Oh, how I love this tradition!  I love the symbolism and the reading of the scriptures, and knowing that for thousands of years, God's people have celebrated this same festival in exactly the same a similar way.  And I love beyond words how every. single. part. of the Passover seder points to JESUS!!  It is absolutely amazing how all those thousands of years before Jesus was even born, God was writing His story into the celebration of Passover.

I love how the matzah (the bread - Jesus is our bread of life) is striped and pierced like Jesus was.  I love how there are 3 pieces of bread (representing the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), how the second piece of matzah is broken (as Jesus' body was broken) and hidden (as Jesus was laid in the tomb).  I LOVE that Jesus was celebrating the Passover meal with His disciples when He broke the bread (did you ever wonder why He broke it?  It's part of the Passover seder ceremony) and said, "This bread is my body, which is broken for you." 

I love that the Israelites sacrificed a lamb (ok, I don't love it for the lamb, but you know....), and that as they placed the blood of the lamb over their doorposts, they were saved.  And it's the blood Jesus, our sacrificial Lamb, that now saves us.  I love that the 4 cups of wine at Passover all represent Jesus - the cup of sanctification, the cup of deliverance, the cup of redemption (this 3rd cup  - the cup of redemption - is the cup of which Jesus said, "This cup is the new covenant in My blood - ooooooh, I love this!!) , and the cup of hope, which isn't drunk at the meal - it's the cup we will partake of in heaven!

This is what Beth Moore wrote about the cup of redemption in her study Jesus the One and Only:

I am convinced this cup (the 3rd cup of Passover) is also the symbolic cup to which Christ referred only an hour or so later in the garden of Gethsemane when He asked God to "take this cup from me" (Luke 22:42).  This was a cup He could partake only with outstretched arms upon the cross.
The imminent fulfillment of the cup of redemption signaled the release of the new covenant that would be written in blood.  We know Christ did not literally drink this third cup because He stated in Luke 22:18 that He would not drink of another cup until the coming of the kingdom of God.  Instead of drinking the cup, He would do something of sin-shattering significance.  He would, in essence, become the cup and pour out His life the the redemption of man.

Love.

And that's why my family celebrates Passover.

Not because we're Jewish (we're obviously not).  Not because we're under the Law (we're obviously not).  But because the Passover screams of Jesus and what He did for us on this most holy of weekends.

My kids often ask me why we call it "good" Friday if it's the day Jesus died.  It is good because Jesus is the Lamb who was slain for our sins before the foundation of the world.

How does your family celebrate Good Friday?

Bring Love to Life

I've been restless on the inside
Wondering about this heart of mine
I've been desperately trying to find
A way to prove that I'm still alive

Has the love I speak so loudly of quietly grown cold?

Has my life been an empty voice?
What I say needs to be seen.
I need to step out and make the choice
To let go of everything.

Would You reignite this heart spark here in the dark?

Bring Your love to life inside of me
Why don't You break my heart 'til it moves my hands and feet
For the hopeless and the broken
For the ones who don't know that You love them
Bring Your love to life inside of me

A generation You're calling out
Living everything that we sing about
A revelation right here and now
Of love beyond a shadow of a doubt
Love that's greater than our own
Won't remain unknown, when You...

Bring Your love to life inside of me
Why don't You break my heart 'til it moves my hands and feet
For the hopeless and the broken
For the ones who don't know that You love them
Bring Your love to life inside of me

Love come to life
Love come to life
Bring love to life inside of me


Love Come to Life
Big Daddy Weave

Wooohooo! Love this!

Jesus shows up at Oprah's "Legends Ball"...

Disturb Us, Lord

Disclaimer: Blogger's spacing problems are about to drive me out of my little mind. I could probably fix all the spacing weirdness, but it would take forever and I'm not really in the mood right now. :) I can't figure out why none of the blogs I read seem to be having this problem? Maybe they're just better people than I am and take the time to fix it! Sorry - hope you can bear with me!

I saw this poem on Beth Moore's blog a couple of years ago. It really struck a chord with me at the time, and even more so now with my upcoming trip to Uganda.

Disturb us, Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves,

When our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little,

When we arrived safely

because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when,

With the abundance of things we possess

we have lost our thirst for the waters of life;

Having fallen in love with life,

we have ceased to dream of eternity,

And in our efforts to build a new earth,

we have allowed our vision of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,

To venture on wider seas

where storms will show Your mastery;

Where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back the horizons of our hopes;

And to push into the future in strength, courage, hope, and love.

[Sir Francis Drake]

Seems everywhere I turn lately, God is compelling me to make the decision to go deeper with Him. Further. To make a choice. A deliberate choice. A hard choice. Not one I want to make flippantly or half-heartedly.

I'm not talking about spending more time in Bible study, at church, or necessarily even in serving or in prayer. I'm talking about the kind of decision that makes my heart start to pound. I'm talking about the "I will follow You anywhere, no matter what" prayer. Have you ever prayed the "no matter what" prayer? Really no matter what? Not me. It scares me. It scares the bejeebers out of me.

I want to do a much better job of living my faith, not just proclaiming it. To love with my actions, not just my words. God is stirring in me a yearning to be the body of Christ - His hands and feet. Jesus doesn't have a physical body on earth anymore. But when His Spirit lives inside us, WE become His physical body. So if He were physically on the earth today, would He be spending time in church? Sure. Some. On a committee? Um, well. Going to Bible study? Perhaps. But where did we mostly see Him when He was on earth? Spending time with His Father and serving others.

So if we are His physical body now - if I am part of His physical body now - where do I need to be spending my time? Where HE would. I am HIS body. I should be spending time with His/my Father, and serving the least of these.

Man, as I get closer and closer to Uganda, this scripture is becoming louder and louder in my spirit:

And the king will reply, "I tell you the truth. Whatever you did for one of the least of these, my brothers, you did for me." Matt 25:40

What do I do with that? Do I hand Jesus a $5 bill at the stop light? Do I give Him a sackful of my children's too-small and worn-out clothes? Do I send Him a "one-time gift" through some charitable organization and feel like I've done my part? Or do I give Him my all? My kids' best, cutest clothes? Or maybe the money I was saving for a new TV or a vacation for my family? Do I invite Him over for supper? Do I go out of my way to help or offer assistance when it doesn't fit into my schedule, or when my kids are tired and cranky and I'm tired and frustrated and I just don't want to? No. I don't. I don't.

And how can I be the body of Christ if I don't?

I'm not sure where this post is going. Maybe nowhere - just my random thoughts swirling around looking for some sense and order. Just some things I've been mulling over and pondering lately in regards to my own claims of Christianity. I'm starting to think that being the body of Christ looks far different than what I want it to. Than what I'm used to. Than what most (?) people are used to.

Beth says God never allows us to be sifted unless there is something in us that NEEDS sifting. I know there is MUCH in me that needs to be sifted. I'm hoping (dare I say praying?) some things will be sifted out of me in Uganda. (Oh Lord, please sift gently!) Tomorrow Soon, hopefully, I want to show you something that has blown a hole in my nice, neat little picture of the Ugandan adventure I'm about to go on. It is shaking me to the core -- sifting, perhaps? And I'm disturbed and grateful all at the same time.

A big conversation with a little boy.

Tuesday night I had a PTA meeting, and the Mister was working late so the kids went with me. The meeting ran late, which always throws me into a tizzy trying to get home and get the kids in bed because, poor things, they are up late way too often.

When we got home I sent them straight to their rooms to get ready for bed. Jacob was being poky, and I was scurrying around trying to hurry him along as usual. "Come on, buddy, it's time for bed. Hurry up. Come on. Get your jammies on."

I turned to hurry to Kloe's room to make sure she was getting her pj's on too, and as I headed out the door of Jacob's room he stopped me with a question.

Jacob: "Mom?"
Me: *sigh* (turning back into his room) "What?"
J: "Does God have plans for my future?"

??!??!

Me: "Yes, He does have plans for you, buddy. The Bible says God has GOOD plans for you. Plans for your future."
J: Well, if God has plans for me, then why do I keep getting in trouble so much?"
M: "You've been getting in trouble a lot?"
J: "Yeah, I keep getting 5 minutes." {5 minutes sitting out during recess}
M: "For what?"
J: "I keep forgetting my library book."
M: "Well, you get consequences so that it will help you remember to do what you're supposed to."
J: "But if God has plans for me, why doesn't He make me remember?"
M: "Because you have a choice. He doesn't MAKE you do anything. He lets you choose whether or not you'll do what you're supposed to."
J: "But He's in control of me."
Me: -- silence -- "Umm...." (Inside my brain, a thousand thoughts are tumbling over each other. Don't we always teach our kids that God is in control? Yes, definitely....God is in control. Um, but He's not in control of you? Wait, no. He IS in control of you. Sort of. Wow. I always thought I had this figured out. Just exactly how much is God in control? Yes, He's in control of everything. But not us. No, wait. He IS in control of us. But not really. We get to choose. Man this is hard....)

Me: "He does have plans for you, but He doesn't MAKE you do those plans. He gives you a choice. You get to choose whether or not to do what He plans. But things always work out better for us if we choose His way." Whew. "Now put your pajamas on."

I have no idea what all that was about, and at the time I really didn't think all that much about it. Until today, when I got one of those chain email thingies with Jeremiah 29:11 on it - from two different friends. And then I read this post from Amy over at Building the Blocks, about lukewarm Christians, and choosing the parts of the Bible that are "safe and convenient". About being brainwashed by the world into believing that money and comfort are what life is all about - even for a Christian. About choosing God 100%, all the way, at any cost, no matter what anyone thinks.

Amy wrote, "We have been brain washed that we can ‘control’ our lives and our futures if we make the right plans."

Yes, God has good plans for us, but He won't MAKE us choose them. It's up to us to choose. To choose the easy, convenient, comfortable way, or to choose God regardless of what that looks like. Sometimes God's good plans for us don't look all that good to us in the beginning. Can't God's way be easy? Maybe. Convenient? Sometimes. Comfortable? Hardly ever. Because (I know you've heard it dozens of times just like I have) God is far more concerned with our character than our comfort.

Tonight in the video at Bible study (Jesus the One and Only, by Beth) she talked about John preparing the way for Jesus. That his primary purpose in life was to make straight paths for the coming Messiah. The Greek word for "path" in Luke 3:4 means "a beaten pathway." Then Beth asked, "Are you preparing for a powerful work of God in your life? Have you prepared a pathway for Him by going to Him over and over and over and over, so that He can pour His power into your life? What debris is in the way? God wants to do a new thing in your life - but it will require you to go places you've never been before. You must let go and move on."

His plans.
He has good plans for us. For me.
But I must choose. I must choose Him.
I must prepare the way.
Prepare the way for the Lord. Make straight paths for Him.
Remove the debris. Go to Him over and over and over.
Let go and move on - to places I've never been before.

"Consecrate yourselves {choose, prepare, straighten, remove, let go - my words}, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you." Josh. 3:5

SSMT, verse 2

Wow, I can't believe it's time for our second verse already! It's so funny...for days I was asking the Lord, "What verse do You want me to memorize?" over and over and over. Oh sure, there were plenty that I thought would be good, but none that just - you know - grabbed me.

Finally I decided on one, wrote it in my spiral, and then suddenly it seemed like verses were jumping out at me all over the place! I started jotting them down on sticky notes (I'm weird, I just can't put them in my spiral until it's time) and before I knew it little flourescent squares were stuck everywhere. Isn't that about how it goes? At least I shouldn't have trouble coming up with a verse for the new few months.

Anyway, since you're holding me accountable, here's my verse from the 1st, typed from memory:

"Lord, I have heard of Your fame, I stand in awe of Your deeds. Renew them in our day. In our time make them known. In wrath remember mercy." Hab. 3:2 (I have to abbreviate the reference because I did NOT memorize how to spell that book.)

I can't prove I typed it from memory, so you'll just have to trust me. And if you know me in real life, one thing you know about me is that I follow the rules. ;)

And, without further ado (adieu? no, that means goodbye. why do I keep using this word?), here is my new verse for the 15th:



Compassion? Check. Kindness? Uh.... Humility? Great. Gentleness, patience? Dangit. Looks like I've got a lot more work to do here than just memorizing.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. James 1:22

Hang on, let me get another sticky note...

SSMT

About 5-ish years ago I was part of a Bible study group that was doing Beth Moore's Believing God study. Oh man, did God ever change my life through that study. So much so that I did it twice. Believing God, then Breaking Free, then Believing God again. Talk about an intense several months. Intense and hard. Tortuous. In a good way, of course. Have you done either of these studies? Uh-may-zing. Beth has since revised Breaking Free and recorded all new videos. I'm chomping at the bit for a chance to do it again (wait, what am I saying?) but so far God hasn't presented the opportunity.

In Believing God, Beth taught us about doing scripture memory using spiral-bound index cards. I used those little jewels faithfully throughout all of her studies that I did with that particular group. Ohhh, buying a new card spiral (and sometimes cool new pens) every semester was like a trip to the candy store. I loved cracking open that new pack of cards and writing the first verse in it. Mmm. The best.

Anyhoo. After that particular group stopped meeting, little by little I stopped doing the spirals - and hence, stopped memorizing scripture. Every once in a while I'd try to give it a go again, but never with much success.

Then two years ago, Beth did a scripture memory challenge on her blog. You may have been part of it. Any Siestas out there? I started with gusto - so, so excited about the challenge of memorizing scripture again - and, like most things I start with gusto, before long I fizzled out. Online accountability just doesn't do much for me the way in-person, every-week accountability does.

*sigh*

But this year, the Siesta Scripture Memory Team has returned. Yay! I just love second (and 10th) chances. And this year, Beth and her staff have created these cute little spirals for us to use to write our verses in.



Don't you love 'em? You can order them from her website. I may or may not have screamed like a girl when mine came in the mail. Fortunately, I am a girl. And here is my first verse for the new year.



I don't remember for sure, but I think I may have actually learned this verse during Believing God. Love it. "Lord, I have heard of Your fame, I stand in awe of Your deeds. Renew them in our day..." We could all use some of God's awe-inducing deeds in our lives, couldn't we? Renew them in our day, Lord.

And...are you ready for some more squeal-worthy news? Guess who's doing SSMT with me?



Yep, Kloe has her own spiral and is choosing her own verses. (Her first verse is one that she's memorizing as part of the requirements for a badge at church.) So fun!

But wait, there's more! At the end of the year - next January actually - Beth is having a "Siesta Scripture Memory Team" get-together in Houston! Everyone who keeps up with their memory verses and does at least 21 out of 24 (we do 2 per month) is invited. Sooooo cool! That's accountability enough for me! (I hope) Wanna join the team? I'd love to see you there!

Anyone else doing SSMT this year? Did you do it last time?

Have you done any of Beth's studies? Which was your favorite?

What's your favorite Bible verse?

P.S. If you're wondering what a "siesta" has to do with scripture memory, here's the story.