TMI - Honesty in all its ugliness - the not-conclusion.

I’ve been pondering how to wrap up this little mini-series I started a couple of weeks ago. I’m starting to realize that “conclusion coming soon” was a lie. Because the conclusion isn’t here yet, and I’m not really sure when it’s coming. 

I’ve realized that just realizing where you’ve been doesn’t get you out of where you’ve been. I think realizing it is half the battle. But then there’s that other half….  And I’m not sure how to get out of where I’ve been. 

You know that story in John chapter 5 about the man Jesus encountered at the Pool of Bethesda? 

“Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda, and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’” John 5:1-6 

Why do you think Jesus asked him if he wanted to get well? Doesn’t that seem like a silly question? We think, “Of course he wanted to get well!” But you know what? It’s not a silly question. Some people don’t want to get well. Sometimes it’s so much easier just to stay where we are – even if it’s hard and painful. Sometimes familiar pain is easier than change. 

Well, I want to get well. 

I’m not sure exactly what happened last summer. I think something in my heart just snapped from the overwhelming-ness of coming back from Africa a second time, and when I just couldn’t take it anymore, Jesus offered me a reprieve from the weight of it all. Except I took that reprieve as being enough and decided I could just live there. Except I don’t want to anymore. 

So now here I am. Not sure where I’m going, but knowing where I’ve been living the past year, and knowing I don’t want to stay there. I want to be well. Does anyone remember those old cassette tape players – the kind that when you pressed the “pause” button, it would stay down? And then when you pressed the button again, it would pop back up and the tape would continue playing. It’s kind of like I pushed the pause button on my life, and it’s been stuck in the “down” position for a year, and now I’m ready to press the button again for it to pop back up and life to continue. I know I won’t be picking up right where I left off like a cassette tape would, but I’m ready to pick up and move on, nonetheless. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Yes, Jesus, I want to get well.

I interrupt this blog series....

Oh you guys, I am so SO excited to break up the seriousness of my past couple of posts to bring you this EXCITING, newly released video from Visiting Orphans (VO).  I'm sure you remember that VO is the mission-sending organization I have traveled to Africa with the past two summers, and will be leading a trip with this December. I am so honored to be part of a team of bloggers who have the privilege of presenting this fresh look at VO today.  I just watched the video myself for the first time this morning, and I cried through the whole thing.  Because I know these people.  I know their hearts.  I know their passion is to see the world changed - to BE the change - through bringing the love of Jesus to the nations. 

I know first-hand that VO is committed to seeing lives transformed by empowering and equipping Christ-followers to GO to the nations, BE focused on relationship, and LOVE like Christ by caring for children and communities world-wide.  GO. BE. LOVE.  It's about so much more than just a cool trip to tell your friends about.  It's about being the very hands and feet of Jesus.

I know sometimes it's hard to pause in the middle of your morning blog-surfing to watch a 10-minute video (ok, 11 minutes), but y'all, please please take just a few minutes (ok, 11) to stop and watch this beautiful video.  I so want to share with all of you the amazing organization that has captured my heart, and which God has used and is using to send me to the nations. Do it for me?



You can read more about VO's vision and their mission at these links.

And if your heart has been stirred?  If you feel a tugging inside to GO. BE. LOVE. to the nations?  Leave me a comment right here and I can hook you up!  (especially if that tug should be pulling you toward Uganda this December!)

TMI: Honesty in all its ugliness - part 2.

Once I was finally able to come up for air, I think my thoughts were something along the lines of, "Whew! Man, that was a rough season! Thank You, Jesus, for rescuing me out of that. Glad that’s over." But my eyes were still full of sand, and my clothes were still wet and ragged, and I was so relieved at not drowning, that I didn't even realize I was still a mess. I just continued stumbling around in the dark for....oh, I don't know....the last year.

Because you say, “I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,” and you do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked. Rev. 3:17

Added on top of all the emotional mess I was in, watching so many of my friends and former teammates move on into lives of service and purpose and passion – adopting, raising money to support ministries, traveling on and leading mission trips – while I was still struggling to catch my breath, well, it left me a little….ok, jealous.

And jealousy is an enemy to your soul. It hold its hands over the eyes of your heart and leaves you walking along in darkness when you don't even know it.  It was blindness on top of blindness.

Then sometime this past spring, I began to notice a few things. Things like....we hadn't taken the kids on kid dates in forever and I hadn't even realized it. Like, we hadn't done family nights in months and I didn't even have the energy to care. Like, I had lost contact with many of my friends except for an occasional text every couple of months or so.

Slowly, slowly I began to realize I’d been living life in a daze.  At first I wasn’t sure what had happened or why.  What was it that had caused me to be sleepwalking through my life?  I actually don't think it was until I started working on this post that I finally started to see what had happened.  

The nearest I can figure is that I never let Jesus completely heal my heart from the wreckage that happened last summer when I left Uganda.

A couple of weeks ago, I read this on Shaun Groves’ blog.  Shaun is the leader – director? developer? – of Compassion Bloggers. Two to three times a year, he leads a group of bloggers on trips with Compassion International to raise awareness about what Compassion does.

"On the last night of every Compassion Bloggers trip we sit around a table together and talk about how to go back home. Because re-entry is a peculiar and scary thing. We talk about the myriad responses we may have when we get there. There’s no telling what’s going to happen when a person goes from slum to Super Target.

Some people are numb, unable to feel anything.
Some are battered by guilt and embarrassment over how easy their life is.
Some feel inexplicably sad, over nothing…or everything.
Some lose their drive and ambition entirely and quit blogging.
Some get angry.

And, I tell the bloggers, some people experience all of this in one afternoon!
No matter what you feel, I tell them, it’s normal. You’re not the only one."

Ahh….finally, there it was! THIS is what had been wrong with me!  Not only had I experienced pretty much "all of this in one afternoon", I had continued to experience all of it for an ENTIRE YEAR.  And I didn't know what to do with all of it.  I didn't know how to process it.  So instead of working through it with Jesus the way I should have, sub-consciously I just pulled myself into a cocoon, and I hid as best I could.

I distinctly remember, when the waves of sadness would start to engulf me, I would say to myself, "It's ok.  It's ok.  I can do this." - meaning "It's ok that I feel this way.  It's normal, and I'll be fine."  Umm, yes, it's ok to feel that way.  It's not ok to stay that way.  And the only way I could be fine was to let Jesus heal me.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not LET yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Gal. 5:1

When Jesus reached down and rescued me from that oppressive weight that I thought was going to suffocate me, I didn’t realize that I needed to continue pressing hard into Him in order to not LET myself continue to be burdened by the YOKE OF SLAVERY that still had its clutches around me.

Did you know you can LET yourself be burdened by a yoke of slavery?  Caught in a stronghold?  Even after Jesus died to set you free?  Yep.  Jesus has provided us the victory, but just like salvation, it's up to us to choose it.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.  {YOU} Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil." Eph. 6:10-11

Sheesh, y'all.  I know this stuff.  I've done Beth's Moore's Breaking Free.  I've done Believing God.  Twice.  I've filled one index card spiral after another after another with scripture.  I've quoted it and prayed it and memorized it.  I KNOW how to stand firm against the yoke of slavery, against strongholds, against the schemes of the devil.  I KNOW how to put on the full armor of God....His truth, His righteousness, the shield of faith, and the sword of the Spirit (His WORD).  

But man, Satan is so devious.  I totally expected the struggle of coming back from Africa.  I expected the sadness, the guilt, the anger and frustration.  And because I expected it, I accepted it.  I just laid right down and LET that yoke wrap itself right around my heart and mind.

*sigh*

....conclusion coming soon

TMI: Honesty in all its ugliness - part 1.

I didn't actually mean to stop blogging. Not really.

I kept meaning to get back to it, and every couple of weeks or so I'd think, "Man, I really need to catch up on my blog." But then somehow I just never did.

So much life has happened during the past year that I never got around to documenting (or only did so minimally). Our sweet Kloe turned 12. Her last year as a pre-teen. And I was mentally absent for much of it (more about that later).

I resigned from PTA – a big change for me after 5½ years (I’ve actually accepted a new position for this coming school year, though). We got a new (used) minivan. I miss the Expedition terribly, but you know, we have to eat. :)

Our sweet Annie died last August, and we brought home a new puppy in January. Also in January, I was asked to speak during a local Christian schools’ chapel time about my mission trips. Wow, that was an amazing experience!

February was a big month. Jacob turned 10. Double digits. Did I even post a blog about that? I don’t think so. I started having some issues with my hip that still aren’t resolved. I got my braces off (yay!), had a minor procedure done on my foot that left me hobbling around in a “shoe” (you know the kind) for two weeks, and we had TWO school snow days in a row! I also went to Nashville for leadership training with Visiting Orphans, the organization I have traveled to Africa with the past two summers.

Other things I missed? Kloe’s first overnight band trip (I actually went on the trip as a chaperone, but you know….mentally absent), her first band UIL contest, her first major ballet production, Passover, my mom’s birthday, Jacob’s school field trip….and the list goes on.

It's been such a strange season for me this past year. If anybody's still hanging around here who was with me back when I came home from Uganda last summer, you may remember what a hard time I had transitioning back into "normal" life. I really thought I was gonna go under there for a while. And then one day, through God's abundant mercy and kindness, He pulled me up out of the pit and set my feet back on some semi-solid ground. After weeks of feeling like I was suffocating to death, at last I could finally breathe again.

The Nile River

Funny thing, though. I came up out of the pit....but I never really came out of the fog. I felt such relief at finally being able to just get through my day without breaking down in tears....at being able to take a breath without feeling like there was an elephant sitting on my chest - on my heart - that I didn't realize I was still wandering around in the dark.

It was kind of like Jesus, in all of His great mercy, reached down into the raging waters that were threatening to drown me, grabbed my hand, and pulled me up onto a sand bar. As I lay there gasping for air, so grateful that I wasn't having to struggle for every breath, so thankful for some solid ground under my hands and knees, I never bothered to look around me and realize that I was still standing in the middle of the ocean, surrounded on every side by waves and emptiness.

I was still LOST, but I didn't know it. So I didn't bother trying to get found.

...to be continued

Do it afraid.

On October 4, 2010 – just a little over 2½ years ago – I clicked “contact me” on a new adoption/missions blog I had been reading, and typed the following:

Hi Kari,

I know missions in general is God's will, but how do you know if it's YOUR time to go? Is it ever NOT God's will for someone to go on a mission trip? Seems to me that surely it would sometimes not be His will???

Ever since I found your blog about the trip to Uganda next summer, I've been drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Seriously. Like, it sucks me in and I just can't get away from it. Does that mean it's God? Could it just be me? Yes, I am oh-so-scared about the thought of traveling to such a foreign country, but even more so, I am scared to death of making a decision on my own accord that is not what God wants from me! HELP!

Wow. I was a little bit freaked out.

Remember this? And this?

Kari’s answer to me, in a nutshell, was “DO IT AFRAID.” And I did. Actually, I did it petrified.

And who in the world ever would have DREAMED that 2½ years after sending that message I would have become good friends with the (once-a-stranger) author of that blog, fallen madly in love with that country and its people, have a spiritual son on the other side of the globe, and be busily planning my 3rd trip to Uganda – and this time, praying about taking my whole family with me!

Only God.

“God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!” Eph 3:20 (The Message)

Y’all. I want you to come with me. For real.

Maybe you’ve dreamed of going on a mission trip, but the huge expense or the thought of having to do fundraising has deterred you? Maybe concerns about who would care for your children, not being able to spare that much time away, or maybe even a little FEAR have kept you from diving in. This is YOUR chance. If you feel God tugging on your heart, don’t ignore Him! My African love-affair started just like this – with me reading a blog post by someone else who had been there and couldn’t contain her passion and excitement about what God had done in her life through missions.

What does that “tugging” feel like? Here’s what I wrote about it in a guest post for Kari’s blog:

During this time (the time I was trying to figure out if I was supposed to go or not) I started reading books like Red Letters by Tom Davis, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and most recently, Radical by David Platt. Let me tell you something, these books messed. me. up. Especially Radical. From the moment I picked up that book I started to feel a churning on the inside that only grew stronger the more I read. A churning that I didn’t understand, couldn’t explain, and didn’t know what to do with, but it kept me awake at night and distracted me during the day. I was restless. Uneasy. Confused. Anxious. And frustrated – because I didn’t know what to do with all the feelings building up on the inside of me.

Excitement. A flutter in your heart or nervousness in your stomach when you read about it. A wanting – a longing – to go, but maybe you brush it off because of all the “what-ifs”.

Y’all, I was a mess during those 3-ish weeks of trying to figure it out. A MESS. A total wreck. I can’t even begin to explain what a basket case I was. And it had way more to do with a fear of missing God’s will than it did with actually going on the trip. See how messed up the lies of the enemy are? I had been praying to go to Africa for so long, that when God finally said yes I didn’t believe that I’d heard Him right.

The top two concerns I hear from people about going on a mission trip are: #1) the money, and #2) being away from their kids for so long.

Can I just tell you this? God will provide. It sounds so trite, but I promise you it is 100% true. He. Will. Provide. I promise. He won’t call you to go on a mission trip and then leave you high and dry to figure out all the logistics on your own. He will provide the money. He will provide trustworthy care for your children while you’re gone. Is your spouse not on board? Pray about it – God will provide a willing heart.

I did NOT sit down today planning to write a post inviting you to come on my mission trip with me – so it has to be God speaking! This is your opportunity to travel to Africa and make a difference in the life of an orphan. More than that, it’s an opportunity for you to allow God to radically change your own life in ways you’ve never imagined. To share in HIS heart for those who are broken and hurting. I don’t want you to miss out on this incredible opportunity! You really can travel to Uganda with me and visit these beautiful faces….watch this video and pray about joining me on a life-changing adventure!!

Pure Religion: Uganda 2011 with Visiting Orphans from Jennifer Hanson on Vimeo.

“And if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry, and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.” Isaiah 58:10 (go read the rest of this chapter!)

Trip dates are December 26 (I know, I know – but God will provide!) through January 7. I just KNOW one of you is supposed to go with me!!

Hello Thursday

Well, hello, Thursday. My, you snuck up on me quick this week. (I don’t really think “snuck” is a word, but my spell check says it’s ok, so I’m going with it.)

**Edit: this started out as sort of a “random Thursday” post, but kind of turned into a mostly-about-Ebenezer post. Sorry. I can’t seem to help myself. :)

So much going on around here lately – seems we are busy, busy, busy all the time, but at the same time it seems like really nothing is going on. When it’s the same-o, same-o, I guess it seems like nothing, even if it’s a lot.

Let’s see.

So….Uganda. LOTS going on with that already. Update in the next post (whenever that may be).

Kloe is preparing for her first major ballet production. She is so excited she could pop. She’s been taking ballet for just over a year, and she auditioned for a part in the spring production and got it! We are SO proud of her. It’s a small, group part, but just to be able to say she’s in the production is so awesome!

Jacob? Is, well, Jacob. :) He’s not playing any sports right now, and I’m SO thankful. Practices and games every week just about wear me out. He’s doing Boy Scouts (loves), preparing for Battle of the Books at school, and is learning to do his own laundry. Glory. And hallelujah.

The Mister is B.U.S.Y. with a capital “B” this time of year. He sells drip irrigation systems, so they are trying to squeeze in every last sale and minute of work they can before the farmers plant. We typically see him between 9 (or 10) p.m. and 7 (or 6) a.m. I am oh-so-ready for planting season to get here!

My newest bloggy loves: We Are THAT Family and Gloriously Ruined. If you aren’t reading them, you should. Wynne from Gloriously Ruined is a photographer and is good friends with my mission trip leader, Kari Gibson. She was part of the Man Up and Go team and is pretty much all-around awesome. I just recently found out that she only lives a couple of hours away from me! We are totally planning a get-together soon. ;-)

I’m still making letters for Ebenezer, and even yesterday when I walked into Jacob’s school, the workroom assistant stopped me and ordered 3 more.  Oh Lord. Whew. Making those letters is SO involved and SO time-consuming and SO frustrating to me….and yet, the orders just keep coming. I really don’t even make that much profit from them to donate to Ebenezer, and yet I can’t seem to get away from them. Thank you, Jesus, for Your purpose.

Speaking of Ebenezer, I have to tell you THE. COOLEST. STORY. EVER. IN. THE. HISTORY. OF. THE. WORLD. Ever.

About six-ish weeks ago, the director of Hope Grafted In (HGI) (which is the U.S. non-profit that handles donations for Ebenezer) contacted me and asked if I would host an online 31 Gifts party (she’s a consultant) as a fundraiser for Ebenezer. I said, “Uh, sure, but I typically don’t do very well with parties.”

I thought maybe if I got a friend to team up with me we would do better. So my friend A graciously jumped on board, and we had an online party for 3 weeks. And we got 3 orders. Three. We raised all of $50 for Ebenezer. Which is good, don’t get me wrong, but I was a little discouraged to say the least.

Well. Right after we found out the total from the party – like that same day – Ebenezer posted on their FB page that the heavy rains of the Ugandan rainy season had caused their school/church structure to collapse. And by “structure”, I mean it was a metal roof held up by some wooden poles. Not even “poles” as you would picture them, but just trimmed down tree-poles. That structure is where they hold classes for their school, which is a source of income to the ministry. George posted that they needed 90,500 shillings to fix the structure. OH. MY. GOSH. Do you know how much 90,500 shillings is? Approximately $34.

I emailed HGI right away and said, “OH. MY. GOSH.” (I like emailing in all caps when I’m excited.) “Am I reading this right? It’s going to cost less than $40 to fix the structure???” They emailed back and said, “Yes, I think so! God knew what He was doing – looks like your 31 party will cover the whole thing!”

I was beside myself. SOOO cool that my “disappointing” $50 donation was now going to completely pay to fix their school room/church structure!

Ohhhh, but wait, it gets better.

Almost as soon as I got that email from HGI – in fact, I think while I was reading it – George posted an update on FB that said, “Sorry, the repairs are not 90,500 shillings, they’re 900,500 shillings.”

Oh, the difference a zero can make! What we thought was going to take $34 to fix was actually going to take $335. HGI emailed me again and said, “Your $50 will still help them get there.”

*sigh*

Now wait. Remember I’m still making letters for them? Earlier that day – before all the drama – I had just so happened to “randomly” check the balance in the separate checking account I use for that money. There was $282.00 in the account.

Check this.

$335.00 (to fix the structure)
-  50.00 (31 Gifts fundraiser)
$285.00

$285!!!!
Y’ALL!!!
(Yes. Yes, I DO need all those exclamation points!!!!)

GOD. IS. SO. COOL!!!!

Never have I ever been SO. ECSTATIC. about God's awesomeness (ok, maybe not "never")!!  And that, my friends, makes any day a good day.  Happy Thursday (night)!

The rest of the story.

When I told God I was surrendering all my hopes and dreams to Him, of course, in the back of my mind were all those stories you hear about people who say the minute they surrendered their dreams to God, He did something beyond anything they could ever have imagined.  And I tried so very hard not to let those thoughts stay in my head, because if I let myself think that was going to happen to me, well then I wouldn't really be giving up control, would I?  That would be trying to manipulate God, and of course that can never lead to anything but disaster.

I tried really hard.  And every time those kinds of thoughts would try to sneak into my mind, I would repeat over and over, "I surrender to You, God.  I lay it all down.  Whatever You want.  I choose You."

I wrote that list (in the last post) in my journal last Tuesday, March 5.  And on that Thursday I posted the following on Facebook:

"Received this Feb 16 edition of Jesus Calling in my email inbox this week:
THANK ME for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again....Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My Presence with you. Do not despise these simple ways of serving Me. Although you feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in spiritual realms.

Then heard this song on the radio this morning:
I've had all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold, and I don't know why.
I got a front row seat to the longest wait
And I just can't see past the things I pray today.
But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel deep in my heart grows strangely dim
All my worries fade and fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face and don't look around
Any place I'm in grows strangely dim

And this pic in my email today - think God is trying to tell me something?"

{Habakkuk 2:3 says, "For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail.  Though it tarries, WAIT for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay."}

Yes, God, I hear You.

I'm waiting.

I'm surrendering.

I'm giving up and trusting You.

And on Friday, I received the following email from the Uganda trip coordinator at VO:

"Hello Valerie and Amanda (it was sent to me and a sweet friend that I went to training with, who I met on my first trip to Uganda), this is S__ from VO. I hope you guys enjoyed the training we just finished.  I just wanted to throw this out to both of you as an option - we're starting to put multiple co-leaders on trips if possible, and there's a Uganda trip that I'll be putting on the calendar that will be December 27-January 7.  If you both would like to be co-leaders on this trip, that would be great.  If only one of you wants to, that will work as well.  I just wanted to give you both the opportunity to do this since you're friends.  Let me know if you'd like to co-lead and I'll put you down for it and get the trip on the calendar. Thanks!"

And there you have it.

Just like that, the wait is over.  I'm going back to Uganda!!

Hello? Is this thing on? (the story of me and where I'm at)

So, it's been pretty quiet here around the ol' blog lately. For quite a while actually. Not much going on. Not much to say about what's going on. Kinda been in my own little world for these past few months. Ruminating. Pondering. Waiting....

and waiting....


and waiting....


I've spent a lot of time in prayer. Not nearly as much as I should have probably, but a lot.

Lots of time reading. Getting the message loud and clear -- Wait.

And pray.

And then....keep waiting.

In case you're wondering exactly what it is I've been waiting ON, well, I'm kind of wondering that myself.

You see, a few years ago God began telling me to DO SOMETHING, do something, do something - and it took me the longest time to figure out what it was I was supposed to be DOING. And finally, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I went on a mission trip to Uganda. Two trips, actually.

When I came home from my first trip two summers ago, I immediately turned right around and signed up to go back again the next summer (which is now last summer). But when I got home from that second trip, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to DO next. My heart was both broken for and in love with the country of Uganda and its people, and I fully expected to come home to some huge revelation from God about what was next on the agenda for me and Uganda.

And there was nothing. Crickets.

I was more burdened and confused than I think I may ever have been before in my life, and I didn't know what to do about it.

And when I asked God what to DO, He said, "Wait."

And I said, "Ok, what do I DO while I'm waiting?"

And He said, "Pray."

Um. Ok. What exactly am I waiting and praying FOR?

And so while I waited to hear what God wanted me to DO, I prayed. I prayed that I would be willing to WAIT (are you seeing the vicious circle here?) I prayed that my heart would be changed. I prayed that I would learn to totally and completely surrender to God's plan. I prayed for the nation of Uganda, and for Christopher, and for George, and for all the friends I had made while I was there. I prayed for their ministries, and I prayed that God would let me go back there again someday. And then I prayed some more that I would be willing to surrender to God's plan. :) I prayed for my heart and my husband's heart and my children's hearts. I prayed. And I waited.  And I prayed some more.

While I waited I made some wooden letters, and I sold some jewelry, and I had an auction, all to raise money for one of the ministries I love in Uganda. Just to have something to DO. I wrote letters pouring out my love to my sweet Christopher. I kept up with Ugandan friends on Facebook and tried oh so hard not to be envious of former teammates who were already back there or planning their returns.....while I waited.

And then at last, in February - something to DO!

After much PRAYER, I felt like God was giving me the go-ahead to go to Team Leader Training with Visiting Orphans - the organization I've been to Uganda with both times. And so I spent a weekend in Nashville learning how to lead a mission team! I was SO, SO excited about the training, and I told the Mister before I left, "You know I'm coming home with a trip on the calendar, right?"

V.O. staff and brand new leaders

The weekend was fabulous and amazing and exciting and fun and.....and.....and I came home with no trip scheduled. You see, all the 2013 trips already have leaders, and they aren't scheduling trips for 2014 yet. And so, I got to come back home and.....wait.

And finally - finally - I gave up. That was it. That was the straw that broke....well....me. I gave in. And through tears, I surrendered my heart to God's plan. Through tears, I told Him, "I lay it all down. Whatever You want, I choose You. Fill my heart with a desire for nothing else other than to follow You and obey You."

I made a list. "God, I am laying down:
-Uganda
-going there with my family
-Canaan's
-leading a trip
-seeing Christopher again
-Ebenezer
-Sixty Feet
....and even if I never get to go back to Uganda again, I choose You."

To be continued....

Going to the chapel.

Look at me, blogging twice in one week. If I’m not careful, this could become a habit.

Two weeks ago this past Wednesday, I was standing at my kitchen sink doing the dishes when my phone rang. It was my dear friend Tammi, who I’ve known for over 16 years, and who is a kindergarten teacher at a local Christian school. She said, "We want you to come talk about your trips to Uganda during chapel at school!" She was SO excited, and I could tell she expected me to be, too.

My immediate, emphatic, and serious response was "NO."

For real.

Tammi was shocked, "What?! Why not? You have to! You LOVE Uganda! This is a chance for you to talk about what you did and the people there that you love!"

Yes, I love Uganda, thanks, but NO, I will not stand on a stage in our (very large) church and talk in front of all those people! Thank You, God, for the opportunity, but no thanks. Ha - I'm so dumb.

Tammi and I argued and argued and argued about it, like only the best of friends can do, until finally she said, "Well, you pray about it and let me know tomorrow what you decide."

Almost immediately when I got off the phone, God reminded me of the verse that says, “Whoever can be trusted with little can also be trusted with much." (Luke 16:10) He said, “Valerie, I’m giving you this opportunity. Can you be trusted with little? Are you going to turn this down when you’ve asked Me over and over again to give you opportunities to do something more for Uganda?” Sheesh.

I thought about the letters I painted to help raise money for Ebenezer. Little. I thought about the jewelry sale and auction I did for them. Little. Both of those were time consuming and frustrating in their own way, but I stuck it out. I wanted to be trusted with the little.

And I felt like maybe God was giving me this opportunity to take a tiny step forward on the path, traveling from "little" toward the general direction of "much". Sigh. But did it have to be something so hard? (Why I thought it would be anything less, I have no idea.) I H.A.T.E. speaking in front of people. Did you know that the fear of death is the SECOND most common fear people have? Do you know what #1 is?

Public speaking. Mmm-hmm. Hence my immediate "no" to Tammi's invitation.

Long Short story short, I called Tammi the next day and reluctantly told her I would do it. Tammi had a great idea that she could be on the stage with me, and we would do the presentation more like an interview. Whew! That made it SOO much better. It put my mind at great ease, and I actually started to get a little excited about it.

Tammi had assured me there was no reason to be nervous, because after all, I would be speaking to pre-k through 3rd graders. “Yes, and teachers and parents!” I said. She said, “Oh no, there’s only 5 (I think that’s what she said) classes (meaning only 5 teachers) and only a few parents come to chapel.”  She totally lied.

When I walked into the church Wednesday morning, the sanctuary was PACKED!! Ok, not packed. But we have a pretty large sanctuary, and it was at least half full. There were TONS of parents there. Tons. Including one of our local news anchors (his child goes to school there). Not to mention a TOUR GROUP of visitors from South Korea! What?!

Seriously. You people have no idea how much I hate this. Tammi simply cannot FATHOM why this is so hard for me. She is just about as sanguine as they come and has no concept.

But I fought down my urge to bolt, and sucked it up and got up on that stage. In the end, Tammi had ended up emailing me a list of 12 questions that the kids themselves had come up with. The kids (and Tammi) sat on the stage with me, and as I answered their questions, I did a slide show of pictures that went along with the answers.

And you know what?

I had fun.

Don’t tell anyone. :)

God gave me the opportunity to tell probably 200 (?) people about my love for Uganda! Are you kidding me? Yes, I was petrified. But God totally came through, and after the first little kindergartener asked me his question, the Holy Spirit filled me with total peace (John 14:27), and I was able to sit on that stage, reminisce about my lovely Uganda, and tell people what God allowed me to do there.

Amazing.

God is good. (and patient)

“Courage is being scared to death, and saddling up anyway.” ~ John Wayne

On being a doer (or notsomuch)

*This post was written way back at the beginning of December.  Old news, but thought it was worth posting anyway.  I didn't want all that effort to go to waste! :)  If you're friends with me on facebook, you've seen the end results of this post already, but now you'll know the back story....

I am SO not a doer. Not one of those choleric personality types who sees a need and goes after it until it’s met. Oh, I see the need alright, and I go after it alright. I’m a great starter. A great idea-er. In fact, a little too eager for my own good in the idea department. Ready to jump into all sorts of projects and activities at the drop of a hat. Great on the uptake; a little lacking in the follow-through.

I’m more of the phlegmatic runner-out-of-gas-half-way-through type. And it frustrates the dog out of me – not to mention everyone else around me.

And that’s where I find myself now with a project I started to raise money for Ebenezer Children’s Ministry in Kibuku, Uganda.

Ebenezer was started by my sweet friends George and Sylvia Kooli, who I met during my first trip to Uganda in 2011. George was the director at Canaan Children’s Home (I talked briefly about him here) – where my sweet Christopher lives – during both of my trips there. When my team was there this past summer, we learned that George would be leaving Canaan shortly after our trip. I was SO SAD. But George had clearly heard the call of God on his life to start his own children’s ministry, and in obedience to that call, George and Sylvia spent their entire savings to secure a home and small parcel of land in the town of Kibuku, about 3 hours away from Jinja (where Canaan is).

George, Sylvia, and Baby Leslie

Oh friends. If you could only see the place where they live. And where they have taken in 20 HIV-infected and -affected children. When I saw the pictures I was stunned. And I’ve seen lots of stuff in Uganda.

They have cement floors (which is common), no electricity (they use TORCHES for light), and up until a couple of weeks ago had no running water.

Front of the house

bunk beds in the living room

kitchen (!)

back of the house

Sweet Sylvia tidying up the room where 20 children sleep.

Waiting for lunch.

Not long after they took in their first group of children, I received an email from George (it was a group email – not just to me personally) asking for monetary donations so that they could BUY FOOD for the children. They were out of money (remember they spent all their savings), and now that George had quit his job they had NO source of income.

Oh. My. Word. Can you even imagine? Truly. Truly. Stop for just a second and imagine that being your family.

Their only source of water at the time was a community well (hole in the ground) where they had to pull water up out of the ground in a jerry can. When the rainy season came, the well (hole in the ground) got contaminated, and they started having to buy bottled water to supply their needs.

Their water source - those are George's feet in the picture.

Now let’s back up for a minute. They didn’t have enough money to buy FOOD to feed themselves or the children, but they were having to PAY to buy bottled water. George really wanted to have running water installed at the house (which – mind you – means a spicket outside, not faucets inside). I asked him how much that would cost, and he replied apologetically that it would cost 898,000 shillings.

EGAD!! 898,000 shillings??

Um. Hold up a second. That’s $373.00 U.S.  Are you kidding me?

Oh, how I wished we just had the $373 we could send him. But we didn’t. And so I began to pray that God would show me a way I could raise some money to help them. And every time I prayed, a picture kept coming back to my mind of a picture I had seen on Pinterest of some giant wooden letters painted so cute with all manner of polka-dots and a cute bow on top.

I thought, “I could make those and sell them to raise money for George!”

Ahem.

Yes. Yes, I could.

(Great on the uptake. A little lacking on the follow through.)

And so I began a quest to find these gigantic wooden letters for a price that would still allow me to make a profit. I found the letters, tossed out an order form at Jacob’s school, and promptly got orders for FIFTEEN!! Wahoo!

Ahem.

And then I started buying ribbon to make the bows. And I bought the wrong kind and had to take a bunch of it back. And then I figured out I didn’t know how to make bows, and the lady who offered to teach me said what I really needed was one of those Bow Maker as-seen-on-tv thingies. So I bought one of those.

And then I bought spray paint and tried to paint my 15 gigantic letters and found that the wood sucked in the paint so fast you couldn’t even SEE any color on them! So I went back to the store and bought spray primer, and came home and found that one can would only cover about three letters.

Sigh.

Back to the store for more primer.

And then I read on the back of the spray can that you can only paint if the temperature is above 65 degrees. In December. Good thing we live in West Texas. And there has to be no – and I mean ZERO – wind. Not so good that we live in West Texas.

And so in between waiting and waiting for the temperature and the wind to cooperate at the same time, I started making bows. I would paint a couple letters, then make a couple bows. I made about 3 before I had to go back to the store for more ribbon.

And then more paint.

And more ribbon.

And OHMYGOSH, CAN I JUST QUIT ALREADY?!

There are probably a dozen other “ands” that I could tell you about – from trying to find the right size of painting sponge to trying to find fluorescent orange wired ribbon to the paint that literally disappeared when it dried – and with each and every one I wanted (and still want) to yell, “Just forget it!!”

But I have already told George I’m doing this fundraiser and by NO MEANS am I going to back out on him.

I’m so happy to report that some other very generous (and probably choleric) donors have already provided the money needed to install running water at Ebenezer. (THANK THE LORD they’re not waiting on me to come through! I could be here until NEXT Christmas!) But I am determined to finish this project and send the profits (which will be about $2.37 by the time I’m done making 47 trips to the store) to George and Sylvia.

Besides the fact that there are these people who’ve ordered 15 letters to give as Christmas presents and are depending on me to come through!

Oh Lord. Whatintheworld.

Please pray for me. I am truly going to need the grace of God to help me get all these letters done on time.

And please, PLEASE don’t ever let me do something like this again!

*Edited to add: By God's grace, I DID finish all the letters by the skin of my teeth.  I never wanted to see one of those giant wooden letters again.  And then....by God's grace and fabulous sense of humor, as I was making all my deliveries people started coming out of the WOODWORK clamoring to get more of them!  Before I even knew what was happening, I had orders for 15 more!!  Needless to say, my hubby and my children are not thrilled.  BUT....I asked God to show me a way to raise money for Ebenezer, and truly, my first efforts didn't really produce any profit.  I learned a lot, and have lots of paint and ribbon left over, so I'm hoping and praying this next lot will be much more profitable!  Wish me luck!  Pray for me?

Springfield by the numbers

1,571 - total miles traveled

1:32 a.m. - arrival time in Tulsa Thursday night/Friday morning

35 - my Sleep Number on the bed at the hotel

1 - pillow (MY pillow) left at the hotel in Tulsa.  Boo.

4 - hotel nights

2 - days of school missed by my kids

180 - miles driven back and forth (and back and forth) between Springfield and Branson during the weekend

14 - flying hot rolls caught by my family at Lambert's Cafe, Home of the Throwed Rolls

 17 - of our original 23 team members who were at the movie premiere!  Woohoo! {Yep, I can count. This was the pre-party, and some people had already left for the theater. ;)}



I hate that the flash on this picture made us all look like evil-eyed zombies! 
We were all so happy to see each other all dressed up, with our hair and
make-up done! ;)

 47 - cool-guy handshakes between Jacob and his new idol best friend, Cory Cotton from Dude Perfect

Kloe was hor.ri.fied. at my "inappropriate" choice of....um....undergarments on this day.  Ha!  Sorry babe, you probably should get used to your mom embarrassing you!

0 - movies watched in the car during the drive (can you believe this?)

10,000 - tears shed by movie watchers during the premiere of Man Up and Go

We had such an awesome weekend in Springfield.  Because of time, we didn't do a lot of vacation-y type things while we were there.  We did spend a few hours at the Bass Pro Shop Man-Mall and had a delicious lunch there.  (Where are those pictures??  Ahh, on The Mister's phone.)

We also got to Ride the Ducks in Branson.  That was a lot of fun, and the kids both got a turn driving the boat, which they loved.

It was so good to see so many of my teammates again.  The last time we were all together, we were exhausted, had no makeup on, and were covered in the red dirt of Uganda.  We clean up pretty well, I must say!

And the movie was beyond incredible.  It was amazing to sit in a theater in Springfield, Missouri, while looking at the beautiful faces - and hearing the beautiful voices - of so many people I love from the other side of the world.  And what a precious surprise it was to see my sweet Christopher in the film! 

It made my heart ache for Uganda even more.

A new season.

This is not at all the blog post I sat down to write today. I fully intended to just pop in, say hi, give a little update about what's been going on around here lately, tell you how I almost killed Jacob's fish today when I DROPPED IT DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL, and maybe post a picture or two (not of the fish). But, well, this is what came flowing out of my fingertips....

It's been quiet here around the ol' blog lately. Not a lot going on. I've been laying low, taking some time off to think, reflect, contemplate, pray.

Coming home from Africa nearly did me in this year. Last year was hard. But this year? Just about ate my lunch. And dinner. I was overwhelmed in a way I’ve never experienced before and didn't know how to process.... wanting to be back there, missing Christopher until my heart ached, insanely homesick for a place that is not my home. I was going through the motions of everyday life, but my heart was not functioning. I felt horribly, horribly sad every waking moment of the day. And I didn't know what to do about it.

Uganda was the first thought on my mind every morning and the last thought on my mind every night. I was obsessed, I tell you. I prayed constantly, feverishly - for George, for Christopher, for Pastor Samuel. I cried and pleaded with the Lord over and over, "What am I supposed to do now? Show me what to DO. I don't know what to DO." After more than two years of hearing God say to me, "Do Something," the sheer panic of not knowing what to DO with all those emotions was really about to make me crazy.

What do I DO?

And then one day we all decided to go get ice cream. (Nice segue, huh? The next sentence should be “The End”.)

I was standing at the counter waiting for the lady to process my debit card, and I looked over to my left, and there taped to the ice cream case was a post card. On the post card was this verse:

Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you...

and pray to the Lord on its behalf,

for in its welfare you will have welfare. Jer. 29:7

Um.  Wow.

That was it. I heard God saying, “This is your something to do. Pray.” Do you know how hard it is to pray when you want to DO? I’m not very good at it.

And because I’m not very good at it, although I kept on praying, I also kept on asking, “But what am I supposed to DO?” Sheesh, I’m slow.

I was so desperate to hear something from God that I started asking Him to please speak to me through someone else. I said, “I know You speak through Your word, and I know You whisper in my heart, but I could totally make up either one of those things. Would You please speak to me through someone else?”

Truth be told, I only 1/2 expected Him to answer. Maybe 1/3.

Fast forward to church this past Sunday. In our Sunday School class we’re doing a video series right now, and after the video we always break up into groups of 2 or 3 to pray. I got paired up with an amazing woman named Moray. (I don’t know how to spell her name, but when she introduced herself she said, “I’m Moray – like the eel.” :) )

I was wearing this beauty, which I wear almost every day:

…and Moray said, “Tell me about Africa.” Ha! She didn’t know what she was getting herself into! ;)

As I began to share my (condensed) story, she seemed enraptured and kept saying things like, “Oh, Valerie! That’s amazing! Wow!” All the things a story-teller wants to hear. :)

When I finished my story, I said, “And so….I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now!”

And she said (dramatic pause for effect).....

“Well. That’s all the more reason to be in the Word. This is a time of learning, a time of studying and growing, a time of stretching so that you will be ready when God reveals His plan to you.”

Now, I know to you those just seem like sound words of wisdom. But to me, they sounded like the voice of God granting my request for Him to speak to me through someone else. A reconfirming that what I'm supposed to be DOing right now is waiting....and praying.  Being still and knowing that He is God.  I’ve felt so much more at peace since then. Not completely – but much more than before.

This is uncharted territory for me. A new season. Never before can I remember ever being in a time of purposeful, intentional waiting before the Lord. Before now, “waiting” has always consisted of me impatiently standing around, tapping my foot, waiting for God to “do His thang.” Like a kid waiting for you to finish doing the dishes so you can take him to the park. “Is it time yet? Now? Now is it time? Are you done yet? Can we go now?”

For the first time (ever?), I’m choosing to sit, and be quiet, and be still, and listen, and learn…..and wait.

And it’s hard.

Because instead of, “I’m listening, Lord,” what I really want to say is, “Can we go now?”

A special treat for my trip....

I'm so excited!!  Ohh, this will be SOO much better than lugging around my huge, 15 pound (almost not kidding) laptop like I did on last year's trip!

I leave in SEVEN days....can you believe it?! :)

And so it begins.

It started today.

I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t prepared. I’d forgotten. Took me totally by surprise. Right. Out. Of. Left. Field. as I sat at my desk at work.

And yet, by God’s amazing grace, He allowed me to recognize it almost immediately.

The Voice.

“You shouldn’t be going on this trip! What are you thinking?”

“You don’t belong with those people. They are GODLY people. UPRIGHT people. People who know what they’re doing. People who BELONG on this trip. People of WIDSOM. People who know when to keep their mouths shut….”

Knowing the source of The Voice….knowing its origin and purpose….knowing that it’s a liar….doesn’t stop the feelings. The heaviness. The tears. They rushed at me with a suddenness and intensity that just about knocked me down.

“You’re going to look like an idiot. They’re all going to wonder why you even came.”

A boss who was frustrated with me – and frustrating me . A co-worker who started more than one sentence today with “Well, I suggest you….” You know that tone. A day of especially wanting to be home with my kids. A husband who is courting a job I’m not sure is God’s will. The tiny little catches in your heart that build one on another on another, until all the sudden it’s perfect timing for that one thought - a memory of something I said on the trip last year that silenced the room.

And suddenly words like “stupid” and “idiot” – and even “stupid idiot” – fly at me and fill my mind out of nowhere.

For someone who’s struggled with self-image my whole life, it often only takes an instant. One comment leads to one thought, and WHAM. Actually, I didn’t really struggle with self-image – for most of my life I just laid down and let it beat me up. I didn’t know any better. But after spending many hours with a cup of coffee and Beth Moore, I slowly started recognizing the lies. And I learned how to fight them.

And let me tell you, you can’t fight the lies of the enemy with self-help books and positive thinking.

You fight LIES with TRUTH.

The truth of God’s Word.

“I am the way, the TRUTH, and the life…” John 14:6

This is what Beth taught me: You let that truth come out of your mouth, and you swing it like the sword that it is. "For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword" (Heb 4:12). "And take....the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." (Eph. 6:17) "Now I know that you are a man of God and that the word of the LORD in your mouth (notice it doesn't say in your heart) is truth.” 1 Kings 17:24 "Do not let this Book of the Law (which is the word of God) depart from your mouth" Josh 1:8 "With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak." 2 Cor 4:13

Satan is not omnicient. He can't read your mind, sister. He can PUT the thoughts there, but he can't hear your silent reply. And let me tell you, the longer I sat silent, the worse it got. But by God's grace He reminded me - OPEN YOUR MOUTH. And this....THIS is why we fill our minds with scripture. THIS is why we teach our kids memory verses. So that when the time comes - and it will - that the enemy is on the prowl (for your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8) you will have a weapon at the ready with which you can fight.

Some weapons like these:

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Ps. 139:14)

God demonstrated His own love for ME in this: While I was still a sinner, Christ died for ME. (Rom. 5:8)

But I have this treasure (the knowledge of God's glory) in THIS jar of clay.... (2 Cor. 4:7)

I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in ME; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved ME and gave Himself up for ME. (Gal. 2:20)

And how about this one:

For God so loved ME, that He gave His only begotten Son, so that I - who believe in Him - shall not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

So sharpen your swords, sisters. You never know when a surprise attack is coming. Be ready. And swing to kill.

Get 'em while they're hot!

Bags, bags, bags!

Can you believe I leave for Uganda in 51 DAYS?! Me neither. I'm really kind of in denial about it. Since I got all my shots last year, and since I have most of the things I'll need to take with me, I really haven't done a whole lot to get ready.

Umm, hello? Fundraising?

I did actually have some money left over from my trip last year. So far I've had one garage sale that did really well (please, Lord, let me never have to have another garage sale), I sold flower bulbs last fall, and I'm also using some tax refund money. But I'm still a bit short in completely funding my trip, and so I'm offering up these cute tote bags that I have left from another fundraiser.

These are from Simply Love, the ministry of my mission trip leader, Kari Gibson. I have six bags left - one teal blue (sorry the color's not great in this picture - it's actually a little richer than it looks here), two black, and three light pink. They are soft canvas (won't stand up alone), with removable, double canvas handles, and a raw edge hem at the top. The bags are approximately 14"x14", and the handles are 16" long (from end to end).

The bags are $20 each plus $2.50 for shipping. They make great book bags or just all-around tote bags. I would love to send you one! Just leave a comment or send me an email if you're interested. Thanks, friends!

Eeek!  51 days and counting!