Do it afraid.

On October 4, 2010 – just a little over 2½ years ago – I clicked “contact me” on a new adoption/missions blog I had been reading, and typed the following:

Hi Kari,

I know missions in general is God's will, but how do you know if it's YOUR time to go? Is it ever NOT God's will for someone to go on a mission trip? Seems to me that surely it would sometimes not be His will???

Ever since I found your blog about the trip to Uganda next summer, I've been drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Seriously. Like, it sucks me in and I just can't get away from it. Does that mean it's God? Could it just be me? Yes, I am oh-so-scared about the thought of traveling to such a foreign country, but even more so, I am scared to death of making a decision on my own accord that is not what God wants from me! HELP!

Wow. I was a little bit freaked out.

Remember this? And this?

Kari’s answer to me, in a nutshell, was “DO IT AFRAID.” And I did. Actually, I did it petrified.

And who in the world ever would have DREAMED that 2½ years after sending that message I would have become good friends with the (once-a-stranger) author of that blog, fallen madly in love with that country and its people, have a spiritual son on the other side of the globe, and be busily planning my 3rd trip to Uganda – and this time, praying about taking my whole family with me!

Only God.

“God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!” Eph 3:20 (The Message)

Y’all. I want you to come with me. For real.

Maybe you’ve dreamed of going on a mission trip, but the huge expense or the thought of having to do fundraising has deterred you? Maybe concerns about who would care for your children, not being able to spare that much time away, or maybe even a little FEAR have kept you from diving in. This is YOUR chance. If you feel God tugging on your heart, don’t ignore Him! My African love-affair started just like this – with me reading a blog post by someone else who had been there and couldn’t contain her passion and excitement about what God had done in her life through missions.

What does that “tugging” feel like? Here’s what I wrote about it in a guest post for Kari’s blog:

During this time (the time I was trying to figure out if I was supposed to go or not) I started reading books like Red Letters by Tom Davis, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and most recently, Radical by David Platt. Let me tell you something, these books messed. me. up. Especially Radical. From the moment I picked up that book I started to feel a churning on the inside that only grew stronger the more I read. A churning that I didn’t understand, couldn’t explain, and didn’t know what to do with, but it kept me awake at night and distracted me during the day. I was restless. Uneasy. Confused. Anxious. And frustrated – because I didn’t know what to do with all the feelings building up on the inside of me.

Excitement. A flutter in your heart or nervousness in your stomach when you read about it. A wanting – a longing – to go, but maybe you brush it off because of all the “what-ifs”.

Y’all, I was a mess during those 3-ish weeks of trying to figure it out. A MESS. A total wreck. I can’t even begin to explain what a basket case I was. And it had way more to do with a fear of missing God’s will than it did with actually going on the trip. See how messed up the lies of the enemy are? I had been praying to go to Africa for so long, that when God finally said yes I didn’t believe that I’d heard Him right.

The top two concerns I hear from people about going on a mission trip are: #1) the money, and #2) being away from their kids for so long.

Can I just tell you this? God will provide. It sounds so trite, but I promise you it is 100% true. He. Will. Provide. I promise. He won’t call you to go on a mission trip and then leave you high and dry to figure out all the logistics on your own. He will provide the money. He will provide trustworthy care for your children while you’re gone. Is your spouse not on board? Pray about it – God will provide a willing heart.

I did NOT sit down today planning to write a post inviting you to come on my mission trip with me – so it has to be God speaking! This is your opportunity to travel to Africa and make a difference in the life of an orphan. More than that, it’s an opportunity for you to allow God to radically change your own life in ways you’ve never imagined. To share in HIS heart for those who are broken and hurting. I don’t want you to miss out on this incredible opportunity! You really can travel to Uganda with me and visit these beautiful faces….watch this video and pray about joining me on a life-changing adventure!!

Pure Religion: Uganda 2011 with Visiting Orphans from Jennifer Hanson on Vimeo.

“And if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry, and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.” Isaiah 58:10 (go read the rest of this chapter!)

Trip dates are December 26 (I know, I know – but God will provide!) through January 7. I just KNOW one of you is supposed to go with me!!

God's ways.

This morning we visited a church we don't normally attend. We've visited there a few times before and really like it. One of my good friends and her family visited there a few weeks ago, and she said the message was phenomenal. We've been niggling to go ever since.

When we walked through the front doors today, I was handed a bulletin with this picture on the front:



When we sat down, I looked up and on the wall directly in front of me was a huge banner with a similar picture and this verse, "Therefore GO (in capitals) and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey EVERYTHING I have commanded you. And surely I am with you ALWAYS, to the very end of the age." (Matt. 28:19-20) Oddly enough (uh-huh), this is also a key verse used by David Platt in Radical. I looked around, and similar banners lined the front wall of the sactuary. I started having that weird twisting feeling in my stomach.

After praise and worship, a lady came to the platform and began to explain that today was the first day of a month-long focus they would be having on missions.

Well of course it was. I looked at the Mister and said, "Are you kidding me?"

They had a guest speaker today - a missionary - who spoke on Matthew 13:24-30 and 36-43, the parable of the weeds. He specifically focused on verses 37 & 38, in which Jesus explained that He is the sower in the parable, the seeds are the sons of the kingdom, and the field is the world. "Notice the field is not your home, your church, or even your city," he said. "The field is the world."

"When does a grain of wheat become a seed?" he asked. A grain of wheat is still connected to the stalk and rooted to the ground. Rooted to its here and now. Rooted in its home, its job, its day-to-day life. When Jesus uproots us, detaches us from our here and now (maybe literally, but not necessarily), then we become a seed that can be sown in the field of the world.

"Jesus was calling them to abandon their comforts, all that was familiar to them and natural for them. He was calling them to abandon their careers... Jesus was calling them to abandon their possessions... Jesus was calling them to abandon their family and their friends... Ultimately, Jesus was calling them to abandon themselves." -Radical, pp. 11-12.

At the end of the service, the speaker asked anyone who was feeling a stirring in their heart (or a churning in their stomach, if you're me) for missions to raise their hand. Anyone who was willing to say, "Here am I, Lord, send me." He explained that being "sent" means:

• Jesus might call us to GO.
• He might call us to GIVE.
• He might call us to PRAY.
• He might call us to SPEAK OUT.

Usually in those situations I hesitate, looking around first to see if anyone else is going to raise their hand before I commit. Today, my hand was in the air before I knew what was happening.

He asked those of us who had raised our hands to come forward. I was out of my seat before you could say "StopAreYouCrazySitDownWhatAreYouThinking?!"

He prayed that God would begin the process of turning us into seed. That He would mark us as those who had said Yes.

He spoke a blessing that we would have feet to go (oh.my.gosh.), hands to work, and mouths to speak.

He said, "I'm not here to help you. I'm here to mess you up." (see previous post)

And then he said,

"Now go do something."

The incoherence continues

I ran across this post today over at My Crazy Adoption, and I felt like I'd fallen into a breach in the space-time continuum, where time stood still and I sat frozen to my chair, unable to breathe or move or speak. I sat there for what seemed like hours, reading all of her mission trip posts, following links to the blogs of people who've been on her teams in the past, looking at pictures, reading testimonials. Actually, I don't remember what it was that caught my attention first, or what it was that lead me from one thing to another to another, but what I do remember is Kari saying this:

I waited 42 years before I went on my first missions trip. I had yearned, and dreamed, and prayed for years, but never had the courage to really go! I LOVE kids and love traveling… why did it take me so long to go on a missions trip? I hate to admit this, but I was intimidated and it was never convenient for me to go. I’m a stay at home mom and the timing just never seemed right for me. My hubby was supportive, but not in a “do it now” kind of way. I always had an excuse. The money was usually my down fall.... I prayed and prayed that God would give me a creative idea. I pushed my old fears down and moved forward with a plan.

If your heart is stirring, don’t wait – start the ball rolling, especially if you feel excitement and joy and yearning when you read our itinerary.

Here’s 3 Crazy Reasons why you should come with me to Ethiopia & Uganda:

1.Orphans desperately need you to come and simply love them. BASICALLY Haiti is happening to children all over this world….the media is just not covering it. They lose their parents suddenly to HIV, malaria, malnutrition, starvation and other horrific ends to a life. Or, they are traumatized as they are just abandoned and left with a feeling of worthlessness, feeling forgotten and not knowing the consistent love of a parent or anyone else. Some orphans never even get to see outside of the building of their orphanage. Orphans in this world, unless visited by God’s people, will not know their Savior as their Abba Daddy. He is their Father and He is the only one who in our absence can give them the consistent love they were created to receive. If we don’t go…who will go for us?

2.Lose some weight with me. Are you loaded down with the weight of mommyhood? The busyness of your life as a mom - the comfortable, conveniences of structure, playdates, Target runs, carpools, sports events… well, mission trips do a great job at shaking things up and forcing you to let go and serve out of your comfort zone.

3.Be part of a God-Inspired Adventure - this means doing something RADICAL (emphasis mine God's), out of the normal, daily routine we get stuck in as moms. You get to see God work in others lives and in your own life on a mission trip.

If you are on the fence, trying to make every mommy detail perfect before you make the decision to go, I challenge you to jump down and pray forward. ...I promise you that this trip will change your life. Your family will benefit from you doing something soooo RADICAL (emphasis mine God's)… you’ll be a crazier mom!

When I read that word - you know, the big, bold, blue one up there - I felt like my eyes were somehow melded to it and couldn't move forward. I'd try reading on, but my eyes just kept going back to that word over and over and over. Remember in the final scene of Sleepless in Seattle how Annie just keeps looking over at Sam again and again, like she's trying to look away but just can't? Yeah, like that.

And then. And then....I followed one of the links on Kari's blog (can't remember to where, but I think maybe it might have been to this blog), and read these words, "I just finished reading Radical by David Platt...." Ugh.

Later today I was thinking about my wardrobe for the cruise, and trying to plan what I need to buy and what I need to take for each occasion, and all of a sudden I realized that I wasn't planning clothes for different aspects of the cruise, I was trying to figure out what clothes I would need for different aspects of a trip to Uganda.

I am seriously messed up.

Radical, Ch. 1

I actually wrote this post last week, but never published it because I couldn't quite seem to get it to say what I wanted it to. But after writing and rewriting, and typing and deleting and trying again, I decided I'm probably never going to get it to sound just right, so I'm publishing it anyway. So here goes.

In my own little world it hardly ever rains.
I've never gone hungry, always felt safe.
I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet,
In my own little world, population: me.

I try to stay awake during Sunday morning church;
I throw a twenty in the plate, but I never give 'til it hurts.
And I turn off the news when I don't like what I see.
Yeah, it's easy to do when it's population: me.

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose
I could be living right now,
Outside my own little world?

Stopped at a red light, looked out my window.
I saw a cardboard sign said, "Help this homeless widow,"
And just above that sign was the face of a human.
I thought to myself, God, what have I been doing?

So I rolled down the window and I looked her in the eye.
Oh, how many times have I just passed her by?
I gave her some money, then I drove on through
And my own little world reached population: two.

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose
I could be living right now,
Outside my own little world?
My own little world.

Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours.
Give me open hands and open doors.
Put Your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me.

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose
That I could be living right now?
I don't want to miss what matters,
I wanna be reaching out.
Show me the greater purpose
So I can start living right now.
Outside my own little world.
My Own Little World by Matthew West

My brain is mush.

I've been putting off writing this post about the first chapter of David Platt's book, Radical, because I can't seem to form a coherent thought about it.

This is so much what I have been feeling God pulling me toward (the concept, not the book) for the past few years -- but haven't been able to put into words -- that all I have been able to find myself doing is shouting, "YES! EXACTLY!" (ok, not shouting) and alternately whimpering, "Oh, Jesus, help me."

See? Still not a coherent thought.

Remember all of these posts? It's been almost two years ago that I began hearing God whisper to me, "Do something." It's been even longer ago that I began to feel uneasy with the disconnect I was seeing between going to church and being the church. I've been talking to my sweet friend, Ashley, about it for longer than I can remember, and it seems like I'm always saying, "I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it. I don't know what to DO. Maybe it's just me."

And I opened this book, and there it was in black and white.

This is it. This is what I've been trying to put my finger on, and David Platt has put his finger right smack on it. I'm ready to stop just going to church and start being the church. I want to stop deluding myself by being only a hearer of the Word, and start being a doer (James 1:22). I want to stop merely saying I have faith, and start showing it by my actions (James 2:14). I'm ready to be done with the pretty, Americanized version of church, and be the body of Christ.

I desperately want to learn to offer my life as a living sacrifice, to GO and DO and GIVE and SERVE. But here's the rub. Here's the question David Platt is asking us to consider. And the one I really don't want to think about. Am I willing to give it all? Really, am I willing to literally lay down my life - to walk away from anything and everything I know - to follow Jesus? That's what the disciples did. They left their homes, their jobs, their families, their communities....everything that was familiar and comfortable and secure. Jesus called them to abandon their plans, their dreams, their possessions....and ultimately, themselves (paraphrased from p. 12). Do I want to serve Jesus that much?

Ok. Well. When you put it that way, um, probably not so much.

I was feeling all goody-goody about myself for all of my great desire to do something grand and self-sacrificing for God (how's that for hypocritical?), and then I read Ali's post about chapter one from the read-along. (Thanks, Ali. I needed to hear what you had to say.) I reallyreallyreally wanted to shamelessly shamefully copy the whole thing right here into my blog. Because Oh.My.GOSH. did she ever hit my big fat nail right on it's big fat head. But I know that's not nice bloggy etiquette - even if I gave her full credit - and so I'm just going to ask you to click on over there and read her amazing post. Please. Go ahead. Go now. I'll wait for you.

Did you go? In my not-able-to-form-a-coherent-thought confusion, let me just say ditto.

So.

Even though my Africa dream is a little bit different....handing out food in a food line, or helping build a clinic or a school....the basic premise is the same. I've realized it's really more about me than it is about Jesus. It's all about me. What I want to do for God. Where I want to go. How I want to help. Me me me. Gag.

Jesus, forgive me. I am so sorry that I've taken Your call to feed the poor and to serve those in need, to be Your hands and feet to a hurting, lonely, dying world, and turned it into a big fat freak show all about me. I'm so sorry. Please help me. I want to learn what it means to love You with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love my neighbor as myself. I want to love You so much that I'm willing to take up my cross daily and follow You. I pray that You would become greater, and I would become less, until it's all about You. I DO want to be Your hands and feet, to BE the church and not just play church. I want to be different. Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Radical

Beginning Tuesday, September 7, I'm going to be joining Marla over at MarlaTaviano.com in an online read-along of the book Radical by David Platt. (Go here to read more about it.) I know it's going to be life changing for a lot of people, and I'm hoping one of them will be me. Have you guys read this book yet? Heard of it? I'm hearing of it everywhere, and I'm taking those repeated hearings-of-it as an indication that I'm supposed to be reading it.

Here's a blurb from the back cover:

WHAT IS JESUS WORTH TO YOU?

It's easy for American Christians to forget how Jesus said his followers would actually live, what their new lifestyle would actually look like. They would, he said, leave behind security, money, convenience, even family for him. They would abandon everything for the gospel. They would take up their crosses daily...

BUT WHO DO YOU KNOW WHO LIVES LIKE THAT? DO YOU?

In Radical, David Platt challenges you to consider with an open heart how we have manipulated the gospel to fit our cultural preferences. He shows what Jesus actually said about being his disciple--then invites you to believe and obey what you have heard. And he tells the dramatic story of what is happening as a "successful" suburban church decides to get serious about the gospel according to Jesus.

Finally, he urges you to join in The Radical Experiment --a one-year journey in authentic discipleship that will transform how you live in a world that desperately needs the Good News Jesus came to bring.

Hear it from Mr. Platt himself:



I would love for you to join me - in the read-along and on the journey.

You could come over and sit on my new furniture, and we could have coffee and read. :)