Still waiting.

Y’all.

So….yeah.  After last week’s post that was all, “Ooolala, I feel so much better, I heard from God, yada yada yada,” today I woke up in a mood.  A mood, I tell you. A mood to not believe any of it for a single minute. Because that’s how I roll.

1. Get desperate about something. Anything. Everything.
2. Receive a wonderful, encouraging word from God.
3. Feel better.
4. Rest in His peace for about 3 minutes.
5. Start to doubt myself.
6. Start to doubt God.
7. Decide I never heard from Him in the first place and I made it all up.
8. Eat seven miniature York Peppermint Patties. Or Kit-Kats. Or both.

Ok, so I only had five. But still.

When? When does this crazy cycle end?

And why? Why is God so patient and merciful with me?

This morning I had to walk a couple of blocks over to the hospital for my annual employee health screen. On the way there I had a melt-down with God about – well, everything. On the way back I said I was sorry and that really I’m thankful.

And then later, in the span of just a couple of hours, I read this on The Ruined Life blog (shared with permission):

"We've had strong desires for a life in missions but beyond going on a few trips to Africa we have effected very little movement towards that end. I have often wondered why our move into missions/God's vision for our life was moving so interminably slow, why after two years we still don't know exactly what or how He would like for us to carry out the Great Commission - at this point I'd even settle for a vague idea.

And then today I had a duh-slap-yourself-in-the-head revelation.

We have been so focused on things that we should be DOING for God that we have completely neglected relationship. God cares very little for how much we DO. He wants a relationship with us. Not just a "see Ya on Sunday" relationship, but daily seeking Him out. Not just when we need direction or healing, but seek Him out as much as we seek time on Facebook, eating comfort foods, watching movies. We've tried to skip the disciplined parts of relationship (prayer and study of the written words of God) in hopes of going straight to part of relationship that offers immediate good feelings and feedback, but let's face it, it's just emptiness without real fellowship.

So the vision for our family, [will] come out of our relationship with Him. Until then we are just doing stuff. Clanging cymbal kind of stuff.
Spinning our wheels.
Going nowhere.

As we press into Him, discipline our minds to study and our hearts to prayer, He will reveal desires and orchestrate opportunities, provide motivation, increase passion, impart boldness, give vision, etc.

Proverbs 2:4 If you seek it like silver and search for it like hidden treasures...

May just as well have said, "If I will seek it like time on fb and search for it like a snicker bar".

Casually seeking and accidentally running into God will not get us to our purpose, but rather purposeful, deliberate pursuit, irregardless of how uninteresting or boring it seems at the moment - create taste, desire, passion, boldness for Him by spending deliberate time with Him." (all emphasis mine)


I could have totally written that.  In fact, I think I have to some degree.
And then I read this on Ann Voskamp’s A Holy Experience:

No matter what the hands claim is the work, prayer IS the work, and the only work that will outlast fire.

Which reminded me of the EXACT SAME QUOTE in the Kelly Minter Bible study I’m doing right now, Nehemiah-A Heart that can Break.....prayer IS the work.


And then I read this in an email from Steven Furtick:

“If you’ve been a Christian for any amount of time, you’ve more than likely found yourself asking the question, “What does God want to do through my life?” Often times, the answer to that question can be found within the answer to another question – “What makes you miserable?” While that seems to be an unlikely place to start, many times it is in our misery where God chooses to speak to us.”

And what makes me more miserable than W-A-I-T-I-N-G???

So there you have it.

Back to step 2 of the process.  Our kind and patient God - not on account of any merit of my own, but only on account of His great compassion (Daniel 9:18) - speaks yet another encouraging word. The same word.  “No, you didn’t make this up. I really told you to be still and wait and pray. So get busy.”

Hmpf.

A new season.

This is not at all the blog post I sat down to write today. I fully intended to just pop in, say hi, give a little update about what's been going on around here lately, tell you how I almost killed Jacob's fish today when I DROPPED IT DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL, and maybe post a picture or two (not of the fish). But, well, this is what came flowing out of my fingertips....

It's been quiet here around the ol' blog lately. Not a lot going on. I've been laying low, taking some time off to think, reflect, contemplate, pray.

Coming home from Africa nearly did me in this year. Last year was hard. But this year? Just about ate my lunch. And dinner. I was overwhelmed in a way I’ve never experienced before and didn't know how to process.... wanting to be back there, missing Christopher until my heart ached, insanely homesick for a place that is not my home. I was going through the motions of everyday life, but my heart was not functioning. I felt horribly, horribly sad every waking moment of the day. And I didn't know what to do about it.

Uganda was the first thought on my mind every morning and the last thought on my mind every night. I was obsessed, I tell you. I prayed constantly, feverishly - for George, for Christopher, for Pastor Samuel. I cried and pleaded with the Lord over and over, "What am I supposed to do now? Show me what to DO. I don't know what to DO." After more than two years of hearing God say to me, "Do Something," the sheer panic of not knowing what to DO with all those emotions was really about to make me crazy.

What do I DO?

And then one day we all decided to go get ice cream. (Nice segue, huh? The next sentence should be “The End”.)

I was standing at the counter waiting for the lady to process my debit card, and I looked over to my left, and there taped to the ice cream case was a post card. On the post card was this verse:

Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you...

and pray to the Lord on its behalf,

for in its welfare you will have welfare. Jer. 29:7

Um.  Wow.

That was it. I heard God saying, “This is your something to do. Pray.” Do you know how hard it is to pray when you want to DO? I’m not very good at it.

And because I’m not very good at it, although I kept on praying, I also kept on asking, “But what am I supposed to DO?” Sheesh, I’m slow.

I was so desperate to hear something from God that I started asking Him to please speak to me through someone else. I said, “I know You speak through Your word, and I know You whisper in my heart, but I could totally make up either one of those things. Would You please speak to me through someone else?”

Truth be told, I only 1/2 expected Him to answer. Maybe 1/3.

Fast forward to church this past Sunday. In our Sunday School class we’re doing a video series right now, and after the video we always break up into groups of 2 or 3 to pray. I got paired up with an amazing woman named Moray. (I don’t know how to spell her name, but when she introduced herself she said, “I’m Moray – like the eel.” :) )

I was wearing this beauty, which I wear almost every day:

…and Moray said, “Tell me about Africa.” Ha! She didn’t know what she was getting herself into! ;)

As I began to share my (condensed) story, she seemed enraptured and kept saying things like, “Oh, Valerie! That’s amazing! Wow!” All the things a story-teller wants to hear. :)

When I finished my story, I said, “And so….I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now!”

And she said (dramatic pause for effect).....

“Well. That’s all the more reason to be in the Word. This is a time of learning, a time of studying and growing, a time of stretching so that you will be ready when God reveals His plan to you.”

Now, I know to you those just seem like sound words of wisdom. But to me, they sounded like the voice of God granting my request for Him to speak to me through someone else. A reconfirming that what I'm supposed to be DOing right now is waiting....and praying.  Being still and knowing that He is God.  I’ve felt so much more at peace since then. Not completely – but much more than before.

This is uncharted territory for me. A new season. Never before can I remember ever being in a time of purposeful, intentional waiting before the Lord. Before now, “waiting” has always consisted of me impatiently standing around, tapping my foot, waiting for God to “do His thang.” Like a kid waiting for you to finish doing the dishes so you can take him to the park. “Is it time yet? Now? Now is it time? Are you done yet? Can we go now?”

For the first time (ever?), I’m choosing to sit, and be quiet, and be still, and listen, and learn…..and wait.

And it’s hard.

Because instead of, “I’m listening, Lord,” what I really want to say is, “Can we go now?”

I just know there's more.

I'm sitting here staring at the blinking curser on my screen, knowing that there is so much more to write about my time in Africa, and not even knowing where to begin.  I went back and read my posts from last year, and now I know why I never finished writing about that trip.  I just. don't. know. what to say.

It's next to impossible (for a non-writer like me) to put into words the things you do and see and experience and feel when you visit a third-world country like Ethiopia or Uganda (or any other).  I sit and I ponder, and I pray, and I wonder what in the world I'm supposed to do now.  And putting it all into words?  I just don't know how.


Chuko Weyama, Ethiopia



(through the bus window :))

I've read several blog posts over the past few days, written by my fellow teammates about their experiences during our trip, and they are all so eloquent!  Perfectly describing not just the facts, but their thoughts, feelings, and impressions about all that we saw.  Me?  Eloquent isn't on my resume.

This beautiful little girl was asking for money as we were loading the bus. :(

And this precious little boy's grandmother asked me
to take him back to America with me. :(

I can do the facts pretty well - after all, I'm a detail girl - but I think last year I over-explained every little FACT because I just couldn't express the emotions that went along with them.  I can't even explain what I'm feeling to my own self.  How can I possibly write it out here?

But here's the thing I do know.  Uganda is huge....HUGE....gigantic....in my heart.  I've known that for a year now, but it kinda tends to fade with the passing of time, you know?  You get busy with life - work, school, PTA, soccer, ballet, church, boy scouts, bills, laundry, grocery shopping, blah blah blah - and somehow the passions of your heart, when you're distracted with the cares of day-to-day life, get pushed to the back burner and start to fade a little.

We were so honored to get to help serve lunch to the beautiful children at Return Ministries!

So after spending the first week of our trip in Ethiopia, I was not in ANY way expecting the tidal wave of emotion that swept over me when our plane landed in Uganda.  Before we even touched down the tears started flowing, and I cried until I had to pull myself together to get off the plane.  What in the world?  What was that all about? 

It was overwhelming, unexpected love.  A love that could only come straight from the heart and plan of God.  A love for this amazing country and its beautiful people.  A love I can't begin to explain, didn't expect or seek out, and don't know what to do with now that I'm home.

Children living near Kampala, Uganda.

Actually, my heart is swimming in a battery of different emotions, and really, I don't know what to do with ANY of them.  I'm....
sad - because I'm not there and I don't know when I'll get to go back. 
homesick - for a place that's not my home. 
longing - to know what's going on in the lives of the people I came to love there. 
confused - about where I go from here and what I'm supposed to do now. 
anxious - for my family to share this love and passion.
frustrated - over all of the above.

My sweet friend Ashley (thank you, friend) told me, "As hard as it is, I know Jesus is speaking to you through your passion, pain and ache for Uganda.  Listen to the ache and you will hear Him."  Oh, how I love that!  It's so hard - and so counterintuitive - and so RIGHT.  Because to "listen to the ache" you have to sit in it for a while.  And be still.  And wait.  And listen.  And who wants to do that?  Not this girl!

I want ANSWERS!

I want DIRECTION!

I want a PURPOSE!

But....listening to the ache?  On one hand, it sounds so depressing.  But on this other hand over here, I just know that it's right. 

"Be still and know that I am God."  Ps. 46:10

"The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by."  Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a still small voice." 1 Kings 19:11-12

And oddly enough, it feels right, too.  Because what else am I gonna do with this ache in my heart?  Wallow in it?  Pretend it's not there?  Ignore it until it fades away like last year's passion?  No.  I want to be still, and wait, and listen to the ache until I hear Him tell me what it means.
 
Because I just know there's more.
 

Find Your Wings

.
**Update - you can now watch the video for this song at the end of this post.
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Are you ever just struck with amazement by the wonder of the gift you've been given?


The thought that these two little ones have been entrusted to me leaves me so....glad? happy? thankful? stunned....that God chose me for them and them for me.



It’s only for a moment
that you are mine to hold.

The plans that heaven has for you
will all too soon unfold.
So many different prayers I’ll pray
for all that you might do,
but most of all I’ll want to know
you’re walking in the truth.


And if I’ve never told you,
I want you to know that
as I watch you grow,
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
and that faith gives you the courage
to dare to do great things.


I’m here for you whatever this life brings,
so let my love give you roots
and help you find your wings.

May passion be the wind that leads
you through your days,


and may convictions keep you strong,
guide you on your way.
May there be many moments
that make your life so sweet...


Oh, but more than memories,
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
and that faith gives you the courage
to dare to do great things
I’m here for you whatever this life brings,
so let my love give you roots
and help you find your wings.

It’s not living if you don’t reach for the sky.
I’ll have tears as you take off,
but I’ll cheer you as you fly.


I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams,
and that faith gives you the courage
to dare to do great things.
I’m here for you whatever this life brings,
so let my love give you roots
and help you find your wings.


Written by Mark Harris and Tony Wood
Watch the video here:

Kloe

Look at this sweet girl. Isn't she beautiful?

And not just on the outside. She has such a sweet, gentle, tender heart.

She loves babies and baby dolls (still) and stuffed animals. And real animals.



I told you she's saving money to dig a water well in Africa, right?



$5,000 is her goal. Quite a lofty goal for a little girl....and I'm so proud of her for dreaming big and going after her goal with determination and confidence. She's saving coke cans. She even contributed some of her own allowance money to the fund. She's told her friends at school about it and they give her their coke cans from lunch (really, I didn't know elementary kids brought cokes in their lunches).

My sweet, tender-hearted baby girl has had such a hard week.

First of all, last Saturday - about 30 minutes before her basketball game - her finger got slammed in the car door. She had to sit out the entire game with an ice bag on her hand. Just today she could finally bend it all the way for the first time.



You can't tell it from the picture, but if you look at her finger from the side, the nail is actually raised up higher than the rest of her finger. Yep, pretty sure that nail's coming off.

And then today my heart absolutely broke for her when her sweet little, long-awaited, birthday-gift friend left us after only six short months.



As I sat holding her in the rocking chair while she cried, her sweet brother began bringing her gifts.....prizes he had won at school this week for math challenges and good behavior. He didn't know what to say....didn't know what to do....just handed them to me and pointed to his sister. Sweet boy.



What sweet, wonderful, amazing, tender-hearted children God has given us.

I am more blessed than I could ever have imagined, and grateful beyond measure.

It is so hard when they are hurting....either physically or emotionally. So hard. I want so much to be able to protect them from hurt, and yet I know it's a part of life in this world that they will have to walk through. I just feel so ill-equipped to help them and teach them and support them and guide them through it.

So today I have to choose to trust in this....

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6-7

And this....

"If any man lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him." James 1:5

Praying for Our Kids

Marybeth Whalen has an awesome post on her blog today from guest-poster Christy Baca about praying for our children. It has some great information and suggestions. I hope you'll check it out!