and waiting....
and waiting....
I've spent a lot of time in prayer. Not nearly as much as I should have probably, but a lot.
Lots of time reading. Getting the message loud and clear -- Wait.
And pray.
And then....keep waiting.
In case you're wondering exactly what it is I've been waiting ON, well, I'm kind of wondering that myself.
You see, a few years ago God began telling me to DO SOMETHING, do something, do something - and it took me the longest time to figure out what it was I was supposed to be DOING. And finally, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I went on a mission trip to Uganda. Two trips, actually.
When I came home from my first trip two summers ago, I immediately turned right around and signed up to go back again the next summer (which is now last summer). But when I got home from that second trip, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to DO next. My heart was both broken for and in love with the country of Uganda and its people, and I fully expected to come home to some huge revelation from God about what was next on the agenda for me and Uganda.
And there was nothing. Crickets.
I was more burdened and confused than I think I may ever have been before in my life, and I didn't know what to do about it.
And when I asked God what to DO, He said, "Wait."
And I said, "Ok, what do I DO while I'm waiting?"
And He said, "Pray."
Um. Ok. What exactly am I waiting and praying FOR?
And so while I waited to hear what God wanted me to DO, I prayed. I prayed that I would be willing to WAIT (are you seeing the vicious circle here?) I prayed that my heart would be changed. I prayed that I would learn to totally and completely surrender to God's plan. I prayed for the nation of Uganda, and for Christopher, and for George, and for all the friends I had made while I was there. I prayed for their ministries, and I prayed that God would let me go back there again someday. And then I prayed some more that I would be willing to surrender to God's plan. :) I prayed for my heart and my husband's heart and my children's hearts. I prayed. And I waited. And I prayed some more.
While I waited I made some wooden letters, and I sold some jewelry, and I had an auction, all to raise money for one of the ministries I love in Uganda. Just to have something to DO. I wrote letters pouring out my love to my sweet Christopher. I kept up with Ugandan friends on Facebook and tried oh so hard not to be envious of former teammates who were already back there or planning their returns.....while I waited.
After much PRAYER, I felt like God was giving me the go-ahead to go to Team Leader Training with Visiting Orphans - the organization I've been to Uganda with both times. And so I spent a weekend in Nashville learning how to lead a mission team! I was SO, SO excited about the training, and I told the Mister before I left, "You know I'm coming home with a trip on the calendar, right?"
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| V.O. staff and brand new leaders |
And finally - finally - I gave up. That was it. That was the straw that broke....well....me. I gave in. And through tears, I surrendered my heart to God's plan. Through tears, I told Him, "I lay it all down. Whatever You want, I choose You. Fill my heart with a desire for nothing else other than to follow You and obey You."
I made a list. "God, I am laying down:
-Uganda
-going there with my family
-Canaan's
-leading a trip
-seeing Christopher again
-Ebenezer
-Sixty Feet
....and even if I never get to go back to Uganda again, I choose You."
To be continued....
I really hear your heart through your words. Thank you for sharing how you reached this point in your desire to lay everything down, as painful as it was because it may feel like you are giving up. But the surrender is so much more meaningful to Him (and to the church as believers see how Christ is working through you) and will be used by Him in more ways than the work itself. He is trustworthy and I know you know that. I really can't wait to hear how the story unfolds, it's exciting.
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