Radical, Ch. 1

I actually wrote this post last week, but never published it because I couldn't quite seem to get it to say what I wanted it to. But after writing and rewriting, and typing and deleting and trying again, I decided I'm probably never going to get it to sound just right, so I'm publishing it anyway. So here goes.

In my own little world it hardly ever rains.
I've never gone hungry, always felt safe.
I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet,
In my own little world, population: me.

I try to stay awake during Sunday morning church;
I throw a twenty in the plate, but I never give 'til it hurts.
And I turn off the news when I don't like what I see.
Yeah, it's easy to do when it's population: me.

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose
I could be living right now,
Outside my own little world?

Stopped at a red light, looked out my window.
I saw a cardboard sign said, "Help this homeless widow,"
And just above that sign was the face of a human.
I thought to myself, God, what have I been doing?

So I rolled down the window and I looked her in the eye.
Oh, how many times have I just passed her by?
I gave her some money, then I drove on through
And my own little world reached population: two.

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose
I could be living right now,
Outside my own little world?
My own little world.

Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours.
Give me open hands and open doors.
Put Your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me.

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose
That I could be living right now?
I don't want to miss what matters,
I wanna be reaching out.
Show me the greater purpose
So I can start living right now.
Outside my own little world.
My Own Little World by Matthew West

My brain is mush.

I've been putting off writing this post about the first chapter of David Platt's book, Radical, because I can't seem to form a coherent thought about it.

This is so much what I have been feeling God pulling me toward (the concept, not the book) for the past few years -- but haven't been able to put into words -- that all I have been able to find myself doing is shouting, "YES! EXACTLY!" (ok, not shouting) and alternately whimpering, "Oh, Jesus, help me."

See? Still not a coherent thought.

Remember all of these posts? It's been almost two years ago that I began hearing God whisper to me, "Do something." It's been even longer ago that I began to feel uneasy with the disconnect I was seeing between going to church and being the church. I've been talking to my sweet friend, Ashley, about it for longer than I can remember, and it seems like I'm always saying, "I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it. I don't know what to DO. Maybe it's just me."

And I opened this book, and there it was in black and white.

This is it. This is what I've been trying to put my finger on, and David Platt has put his finger right smack on it. I'm ready to stop just going to church and start being the church. I want to stop deluding myself by being only a hearer of the Word, and start being a doer (James 1:22). I want to stop merely saying I have faith, and start showing it by my actions (James 2:14). I'm ready to be done with the pretty, Americanized version of church, and be the body of Christ.

I desperately want to learn to offer my life as a living sacrifice, to GO and DO and GIVE and SERVE. But here's the rub. Here's the question David Platt is asking us to consider. And the one I really don't want to think about. Am I willing to give it all? Really, am I willing to literally lay down my life - to walk away from anything and everything I know - to follow Jesus? That's what the disciples did. They left their homes, their jobs, their families, their communities....everything that was familiar and comfortable and secure. Jesus called them to abandon their plans, their dreams, their possessions....and ultimately, themselves (paraphrased from p. 12). Do I want to serve Jesus that much?

Ok. Well. When you put it that way, um, probably not so much.

I was feeling all goody-goody about myself for all of my great desire to do something grand and self-sacrificing for God (how's that for hypocritical?), and then I read Ali's post about chapter one from the read-along. (Thanks, Ali. I needed to hear what you had to say.) I reallyreallyreally wanted to shamelessly shamefully copy the whole thing right here into my blog. Because Oh.My.GOSH. did she ever hit my big fat nail right on it's big fat head. But I know that's not nice bloggy etiquette - even if I gave her full credit - and so I'm just going to ask you to click on over there and read her amazing post. Please. Go ahead. Go now. I'll wait for you.

Did you go? In my not-able-to-form-a-coherent-thought confusion, let me just say ditto.

So.

Even though my Africa dream is a little bit different....handing out food in a food line, or helping build a clinic or a school....the basic premise is the same. I've realized it's really more about me than it is about Jesus. It's all about me. What I want to do for God. Where I want to go. How I want to help. Me me me. Gag.

Jesus, forgive me. I am so sorry that I've taken Your call to feed the poor and to serve those in need, to be Your hands and feet to a hurting, lonely, dying world, and turned it into a big fat freak show all about me. I'm so sorry. Please help me. I want to learn what it means to love You with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love my neighbor as myself. I want to love You so much that I'm willing to take up my cross daily and follow You. I pray that You would become greater, and I would become less, until it's all about You. I DO want to be Your hands and feet, to BE the church and not just play church. I want to be different. Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me.